Purpose.

Jeremiah 1:5. I don’t believe in coincidence.

I believe God orders our steps. (Proverbs 16:9)

I believe we are all appointed for the time we are needed most.

YOU ARE NOT AN ACCIDENT.

I remember walking around thinking that my life was meaningless.

I filled my days and nights up with meaningless

relationships /situationships, riding around looking for something to get into, hitting up bars, drinking all day so I can feel free and get out of my self.

Giving in to the flattery of men just because it was a distraction from myself.

I was running from myself because I didn’t know how to face myself. Too much pain. Too much confusion. Too many questions. I looked in every direction and still felt empty. The bottle finished but I was still empty. He promised to love me and take care of me , but instead he played me, I ran to the next but I still felt empty.

Somehow, in the middle of the chaos . In the middle of my pain. In the middle of my addiction. In the middle of my depression. In the middle of me hating the woman I had become , GOD STILL CHOSE ME. From my name to my purpose, IT ALL MAKES SENSE .

If you’re laying in bed right now overthinking and questioning your worth, GOD IS NOT DONE WITH YOU! It may not make sense now, you may not understand why you’re going through what you are going through but I promise you, that if you just hold on and seek his face , HE WILL CARRY YOU THROUGH! ✝️

The importance of spending time alone.

I was always “that” girl. I was always popular. I was the life of the party. Everyone always wanted to be where I was at, people just loved being around me. I never spent time alone because I was always out and about with any and everybody, I just loved being around people. The biggest lie about the party life is that you really think you have friends. You are never alone, you always have someone to talk to, and, you definitely always have people to drink with. Dating is so easy when you’re a party girl. Meeting men is no problem at all. Whether they are men of quality or not, that’s a different story.  Physically, you are never alone. If you are not careful with your habits, your life will pass you by so fast. I knew the years were passing by, I just didn’t think anything of it because I was having a blast. 10 years passed.

I’m 29 now. I am sober. I don’t really have any friends, but, that’s cool. At first it was so hard to be by myself. I didn’t know how much I actually depended on people until I spent time by myself. I didn’t want to be alone, I kept reaching out to people, and, I kept dating men that were no good for me. I guess I had a fear of being alone. Feeling alone made me feel unwanted, unlovable, and, unworthy. It could go back to my parents divorce and my dad leaving to Puerto Rico, but, that’s for another post. All I remember was that it was not a good feeling, I cried so much. I tried explaining to people how I felt and nobody got it. I was so depressed, no one was reaching out to me which made it worse. I really thought nobody cared. I was in a very bad place. All those times I was there for people and now when I need people the most no one is here. Where is everyone?

I started reading The Bible. Well, I actually read a lot of self-help books first. They did not help what so ever. I have a lot of self-help books in my house, but, none of them actually worked. This is why I believe the power within us comes from an outside source. This is why I believe that there is something so much greater than us humans. The way I feel now, the confidence that I have, the habits that are falling off, the changes that are happening are all coming from seeing my worth in God’s eyes. I tried to do everything on my own for so long and I could never get things done. Do you ever notice how when you try to do everything on your own with no help what so ever, you feel so overwhelmed? You feel tired, mentally you are drained. Physically you are worn out. Something inside of me always knew that there was something greater than us. I always knew life was so much more than what we are told. We are amazing human beings called to love and serve one another. The reason why we drain ourselves out is because everything is about us, we rely on our own strength, we want to do a million things and drive ourselves crazy when we don’t get it done. Realistically, you just need to relax. We live in a world where everything is now. We want everything when we want it. We don’t understand that everything is a process. One thing God has taught me is that everything happens for a reason.

You cannot control everything.

The greatest thing about spending time alone is that at the end of the suffering comes something so much greater. It kind of almost makes the suffering worth it. Some things you aren’t meant to understand. I was wondering why my ex hurt me so bad, why my best friend betrayed me, why did I continuously keep getting hurt by the people I loved the most? Like, why? I almost didn’t think there was an actual God. I mean, why would such a loving God let this happen, right? Well, that’s why free will is so amazing. We all make our choices, things happen, you can’t control everything. Things fall a part when you try to control it all. Not everyone has the same heart as you, people are hurting out here. Hurt people hurt people. Whatever is in your heart will flow out. Now, I just pray for people. I don’t get mad if someone says something I don’t like, or if someone talks about me. I understand that their problem is not with me, it is within themselves.

Freeing my mind from alcohol, smoking, and sex has been such a great experience. You can’t think straight when you are not taking care of yourself. Whether we want to accept it or not a lot of us abuse our own bodies. Our minds are so toxic because of our toxic habits. Whatever you feed is what will control you. Sex is one thing that can have a lot of power over you. Homes are destroyed because of the power of sex. Sex can have a very strong hold on you. Sex is the reason why a lot of people stay in unhealthy situations.

Food is one thing that always had power over me. I don’t want anything to have power over me except God. Food has a lot of power over a lot of people. Some people don’t have problems with drugs, sex, or alcohol, but, they have an addiction to food. We have to think about these things and make ourselves better every single day. God gave us one body. We should cherish that and treat it like the temple that it is. Food has always been an issue for me. Binge eating is a mental illness that is also linked to depression. I am slowly getting freed from binge eating. I stop eating when I am satisfied, that is major! I never ever did that.  God is good.

Spend time alone. Spend time with God. You are so much more than what this world says you are. Do not let this world define you. You are your own person. You were uniquely made. You were created for the best of the best. You were created to breathe life into others. You were created to be happy, joyful, and full of life. Don’t take your alone time for granted, it can be a beautiful thing if you let it.

Always remember

Anything is possible.

You just have to start.

 

Dating a Narcissist.

If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

This is my story.

He sent me a message on Facebook and I replied. The first conversation on the phone was so easy. Our words were flowing and everything was great. We were laughing, getting to know each other, laughing some more, and enjoying every minute of it. It was one of those, ” this seems way too good to be true” moments. That whole weekend we spoke from morning to-night,  phone conversations and text messages. If I didn’t call or message him, he would reach out to me. You know those moments when you feel like something is wrong but you just don’t know what? I had one of those moments. It was like God was telling me, “nope, don’t do it Cristal” , the crazy thing is that those words were so real, it was almost like God whispered in my ear and I still ignored it. I remember everything like it was yesterday.

I was 10 months sober at the time and my life was great. I was sober, losing weight, looking good, and feeling even better. When this handsome man wanted to get to know me I didn’t think anything of it. I figured it would either work or it wouldn’t work. I honestly didn’t think it would go pass a few conversations, but, it did. I told him I didn’t think It was a good idea. I wasn’t going to ignore the fact that God told me not to do it, so, I did bring it up to him. He definitely had a way with words. I figured it wasn’t a big deal to just talk to him so I didn’t end it.

We kept getting closer and closer as the days passed. He was  an everyday drinker, I ignored that red flag. At first, he was so amazing, he always wanted to spend time with me, he was all about me. Some days I didn’t even want to go see him, but, he would tell me how much he missed me and how much he wanted to be in my presence, so,  I would go see him. He always convinced me. I figured, “omg he is really into me, how cute!”  SIDENOTE – I always drove to him. He never came to me.  RED FLAG

I started noticing how he was always drinking. He knew about my sobriety and still drank around me. He tried to convince me that he did not have a drinking problem. I realized that was a lie when he started falling asleep on me. SIDENOTE – I ignored that red flag. I noticed that he would not take my feelings into consideration. Everything was about him, nothing about me. I started drinking again.

We shared that one thing, alcohol. We became even closer. Nothing was able to keep us apart. We started spending so much time with each other. After about four months things started to change. He no longer wanted to spend time together. Days would go by and I wouldn’t speak to him. He would tell me things like ” I’m going through some things”, but, never explained. He started treating me like I didn’t matter anymore. He told me I was too clingy. I didn’t let him breathe. All of a sudden I was the problem and he needed space. I would give him space. He still wouldn’t reach out. He reached out to me when he needed money , then he would be nice and spend time with me. He started telling me he was confused, he didn’t know if he was ready for commitment, he didn’t know what he wanted.

It all came down to him playing with my emotions. One minute I was the greatest woman ever, and the next, I wasn’t enough. He always expected me to give him money. The times that I didn’t want to give it to him , he would make me feel bad about it, I would give in and give it to him. He was very manipulative and almost always made me feel bad. He would compare me to other women. He would say things like, “if you did this/that you would look so good.”. I don’t think he ever really gave me compliments, but, he always talked about how good other women looked.

I’m sure you guys are all wondering why I didn’t just leave him alone at this point. It’s not that simple. I invested my time and feelings into this man, I thought he was doing the same. This person that I was now seeing was a totally different person. I was so confused. I had no idea what changed, just like that. Clearly, if it is so easy for you to dispose a human being you are NOT invested in them. He led me to believe that we wanted the same things, I wasn’t assuming that he wanted commitment and a life together. He told me he did. He told me he wanted us to work. I wasn’t crazy.  In that little bit of time that we shared with one another we spent a whole lot of time together. My feelings were invested in this man. I couldn’t leave. I felt like I put so much into this relationship, why leave now. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to be with me anymore.

He was so into me, what happened? What changed? What did I do?

He started making me feel like I was the problem. He was telling me that I was too clingy. You can’t just choose when you don’t want to be bothered by somebody. It’s not okay. I’m a human being with feelings. Adults communicate. You don’t just get rid of people because you’re bored. Of course, he was talking to other women. Meanwhile, he still wanted me to be in his life. He told me they were just friends. He was treating me like I was a bother to him and I couldn’t understand why. I was there for him when no one else was. Cristal was the one he can count on, the one he used, the one he manipulated, the one he got rid of. I was so hurt. I lost myself. I practically begged him to be with me. I needed him. I didn’t want to walk away, we were meant for each other. He still left. He still got with someone else. He was not invested. He used me. He played with me. He manipulated me. He left.

Ladies, when you are getting to know a man, pay attention. Do not ignore the red flags. They are really important! What you see is what you get. I knew he had a drinking problem. I knew he was self-centered. I knew he blamed everyone else for how his life turned out. I knew he had a different girlfriend every 8-10 months. He blamed all his ex girlfriends as to why his relationships failed. I knew he was unstable. I knew he was TOXIC.  I was also recovering from depression and alcoholism. He was attracted to me because I had it together, and, he thought that’s what he needed to get better.We were attracted to each other because we both needed each other. I thought I could save him , I  stayed because I thought I was good enough to change him. He knew that once he got me invested he could do whatever he wanted with me and I wouldn’t leave. That is abuse.

The only reason we don’t speak now is because he is blocked on everything. This happened in 2014-2015 . I am now getting back to my self. I blamed myself for everything. I blamed myself because I let him into my life. I blamed myself because I started believing what he was telling me. I thought if I would just lose weight he would want me. I thought that I had to change for him to want me. I thought I was the bad one. He made me feel like it ended because of me. Ladies, don’t let this be you. You don’t recover from mental abuse over night. It stays in your mind, you keep replaying it over and over and over again. You keep thinking what if, what if he changes for the next girl. what if I would have done this instead of this, he would still want me. It is torture, and, it can destroy you forever.

Please, be careful.

Signs Of A Narcissist.

1.They are emotionally abusive

2.They are skilled manipulators.

3.They fail to take responsibility for their behavior.

4.Once you stop feeding their ego they move on.

5.They don’t take your feelings into consideration.

6.Everything is always about them.

 

Single woman.

It’s Valentine’s Day. A day all about LOVE. A day where everyone is on social media posting pictures with Bae. A day where some singles can’t wait for the day to be over. Love, the one thing we cannot live without. Love makes the world go round. It’s better to have loved than to not have loved at all.

Reality Check. If you are upset because you are single you are being selfish. When you’re selfish it’s ALL about you and no one else. I’ve learned that the biggest reward in life is to be selfless. When you are selfless you take the attention off yourself. It’s not all about you because you know it’s so much more rewarding when you make someone else smile. If you find yourself being bitter over the holiday, do something nice for someone else. If you know anyone that is going through a rough time, go and brighten up their day with balloons and a card. The smallest gesture can really make someone’s whole day. Maybe, no one thought about making your day special and you are upset about it. You want to hide until tomorrow, don’t hide, do your hair, get cute, and, step out the house with confidence and a huge smile . Show love to someone else anyway. We live in a world where people think it’s all about them. It’s not. If you look at the people who are the happiest and most peaceful , they live selflessly.

It’s absolutely okay to be single. It is not a curse! Please do not start questioning your self-worth as a woman. Do not let the devil play games with you today. YOU ARE WORTHY. YOU ARE SPECIAL. YOU ARE LOVABLE. YOU ARE THE ONE SOMEONE IS PRAYING FOR. YOU DESERVE GODS BEST. Not someone who doesn’t reply to your text or calls. Not someone who doesn’t treat you like a QUEEN. Not someone who verbally/mentally abuses you. YOU DESERVE THE BEST! Don’t ever forget that.

I’ve been single for about 2 years now. Me and my ex completely stopped talking in July of last year. He got someone else pregnant and proposed to her. I was hurt. I was mad as hell, and I really wanted to destroy everything he had with that woman. But, I didn’t. I took that loss and I dealt with the pain the best way  I knew how. I was not taking care of myself at all. I indulged in self-destructive behavior until November 25th 2016. That was the first day of complete change. I put the bottle down and chose celibacy. It was hard. I was so broken, I had no idea how I was going to survive. One thing I did know was that I had to get my sh*t together.

Almost 3 months sober and my life has completely changed. I am not mad about being single because I know God is going to give me one of his best sons walking this earth. I am not sad about being single because I am working on being my best self. I am working on being patient, loving, and kind. I am working on my passion, my dreams, my goals. I am working on the thing that God put me here for. I’m not even 30 yet and I’ve suffered so much. I am not ashamed of my testimony because women need to hear it. It breaks my heart when I see women being unhappy and ungrateful because they are single. Being in a relationship should not be the end goal.

What is your purpose? What makes you genuinely happy? What brings you peace? What will people remember you as when you pass away? I totally understand we are not meant to be alone, but, please don’t rush it, do not settle. Use this time wisely. WORK ON YOU! HEAL THOSE WOUNDS. GROW SPIRITUALLY. BECOME YOUR BEST SELF! God didn’t make you to be regular and settle for scraps, HE MADE YOU FOR HIS ABSOLUTE BEST.

This day is all about LOVE. JESUS LOVES YOU. Your worth is not found in these worldly things. The longer you keep seeking a human being for approval, the longer you will delay the peace and joy you were purposely made for. Don’t give up.

 

To the woman who feels alone.

YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE WORTHY. YOU ARE LOVABLE.

These affirmations are usually plastered all over social media, but, telling yourself this is not enough. We are constantly being told to love ourselves, respect ourselves,  take care of ourselves, go to the gym, eat healthy, surround ourselves with positive people, and the list goes on and on. We give advice and tell people what they should do but we never ever talk about how to get there. How do you love yourself? How do you value yourself? How do you get out of a relationship that deep down you know is not for you? How do you let go of hurt? How do you forgive? How do you wake up and be happy?

HOW?

 We are often looking for things to complete us, whether it’s buying a house, getting into a relationship, getting a degree, having a baby, etc. We seek what we think will make us happy. What if I told you that the things of this world will never ever satisfy you? It doesn’t matter how much you have of it or have much you spend time with it, it will never be enough.

At one point I was so depressed. I felt so alone. I knew there was something more. Something so powerful and life changing. I knew deep down that we weren’t put here to be miserable and just live life whatever way we wanted to. We all have purpose and were put on earth for a reason. We weren’t put here to live out the “American Dream”. What happens after you get the American Dream? No one tells you what comes after the American Dream because nothing comes after it. You get the degree, you get the job, you get the spouse, you buy the house, you have the kids, and, that’s where it ends, you live your life day in and day out doing the same exact thing. The American Dream, something that has been embedded in us since we were children, something we define our success by, it’s an illusion that doesn’t bring any type of peace or fulfillment.

I found my peace in Christ. I found my fullness in Jesus. There’s nothing more beautiful than that peace you feel when God is a part of your life. I was always looking for something or someone to complete me. No one or no one thing can ever complete you. God made us. He knows us. He knows what we need. He knows our wants. He knows our desires. He knows everything about us. We were put here for so much more than what this world tells us.  God sent his son to die for YOU, we fall so short, yet, his grace is sufficient. I have no desire to drink alcohol and have sex with random men anymore. I want to fulfill my God-given purpose and make a difference in this world. So many women are suffering. So many women are putting their worth and trust in the wrong things. Yes, I want to be a wife one day and live in a nice house, but, that’s not what defines me. That is not what my worth is based on anymore.

I just want every woman to know that you are the daughter of the Most High. When you realize how you were created and why, you will never ever chase after this world. My purpose is so much bigger than what this world tells me. I don’t need a man to be happy. It’s definitely possible to be single and content. Yes, sometimes I get lonely but I know my time will come. My life changed drastically when I put my trust in God alone. My faith is on a thousand and I know that he will work everything out for my good (Romans 8:28).  Valentine’s day is around the corner and so many single women across social media are making it known that they are single and not happy about it.  It’s so sad that we have to tell the world that we are unhappy about being single. Being single is not a curse! This world makes women feel like if we are single something is wrong with us, and if you’re 30 and single then something is really wrong with you. NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU, BREATHE.

Take this time to get to know Jesus. Put him first. Walk away from that sin that’s draining you. Learn how to be obedient. Be different. Stand out. Be who God called you to be. Be content in whatever season you are in. It is a process. THE FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT IS  LOVE, JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE, KINDNESS , GOODNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GENTLENESS,  AND SELF CONTROL. (Galatians 5:22-23). NOT gossiping, clapping back, and doing whatever you want.  We want to be wives without being good women first. A good wife isn’t a woman who just cooks and clean. Stop getting advice from Instagram and open up THE WORD, the best teacher you can ever have is Jesus himself.

This Valentine’s Day go help someone in need. Reach out to someone who is going through it. Go spend time with other single women and plan a fun day. Go pour love into someone else’s life. When you make it all about you, you will never be content.

Jeremiah 17:7 – blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.

John 10:10 – the thief’s purpose is to steal, kill, and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.

Deuteronomy 31:8 – Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.

Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you. Plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and hope.

 

 

Choose Happiness.

” What are your goals in life?”

My only goal in life is to be happy.

“Yeah, I get that but what do you want to do, what do you want to accomplish?”

Happiness.

See, the most important thing to me besides my family is my happiness. I’ve been depressed, I’ve had suicide thoughts, and I’ve been hospitalized due to my depression. I know what it feels like to not shower for days, to sleep all day, and to call out of work because I do not have the energy to get out of bed. Depression is very real, I am currently in a better state of mind but every single day I have to put in the work so I don’t get myself back into a state of depression. After experiencing the darkest days of my life, the only thing that matters is being happy.

I don’t ever want to feel like death, again. Depression has to be the closest thing to death, it eats you from the inside, you try to get up in the morning and go on about your day, but you can’t, you can’t move, you’re stuck, I’m alive, I can see, I can hear, I can eat, but, im stuck in my own mind and body with no way out. The people around you keep telling you to “get it together, it’s not that deep.”, oh how I wish I could tell my brain that.

It is that deep! Stop telling people with depression it’s not that serious because it is! Planning a way to take my own life is pretty serious if you ask me.

I am alive and better. God is the only reason why I am still here. I had to make some changes in my life but God lead me to them. I asked God for guidance and asked God to show me who’s meant to be in my life and who’s not meant to be in my life. He showed me over and over again, I ignored it at times, he kept showing me. Every time he showed me why I had to get rid of some people I tried to fight the facts, the great caring lovable Cristal tried to ignore everything that God was showing her. I always think I have things under control, haha, God always has the final say.

“God has a big plan for you, but you aren’t ready for it, yet.”

When someone told me that, I already knew that was God speaking. I continued to pray for strength, for God to guide me, to place genuine loving people in my life, for strength to do what I NEED to do for me.

Happiness is hard to achieve when you do everything for everyone else. I felt guilty for letting certain people go. I felt guilty for putting my needs first, wow.

If you want to be happy you have to start somewhere. Take control of your life. Get rid of any negativity. Stay away from the people who drain you. You are who you surround yourself with. Chase your dreams and passions. Believe in yourself. Stop expecting others to have the same heart as you. Change sucks, I know.Take care of your mind and body.

Most of the time we don’t change and deal with the same circumstances because we FEAR the unknown. We don’t know whats on the other side so we’d rather play it safe.

Life is all about growth.

Focus on your happiness.

Life is so much better when you are happy.

You are the only person that can make you happy.