I’ve known my mother my whole life. She always fed me and she always gave me a place to live. I never thought I needed more until I got sober and realized I had immense emptiness within me. I’ve always struggled with feeling loved. I lived my life seeking validation and approval from men. The easiest way for me to feel loved was through men. It wasn’t real love.But, it was better than nothing.
I knew my relationship with my mom was broken. I couldn’t understand why. She was always around. She never denied me . She always called me to make sure I was okay. Face to face, she would never express her love for me. She never held me. She never looked me in my eyes and said, ” everything is going to be okay “. Instead,I was told I was too emotional. I was doing too much. I needed to get over it. I learned to not express myself.
Between my parents divorcing, being raped , alcohol addiction, struggles with food, and heart break, I’ve always felt alone. Both of my parents were alive and near, but, I still felt like an orphan. How could that be? I knew they loved me. They just didn’t know how to show it.
My mother didn’t get a chance to grow up. She didn’t get a chance to deal with her own stuff. She didn’t want to get married so soon. I know my mom loves me and my brother, but , she didn’t want kids. She has said it. She often said things like ” I couldn’t do whatever I wanted, I had you two to take care of.” Almost like she blamed us for her lack of living life on her terms. I know she loves me , she just can’t emotionally show it.
I witness her and her mother interact. It is the same exact way me and her interact, cold. I just finished reading, The Emotionally Absent Mother .
This book has explained so much. It helps me go from victim to acceptance. Accepting my mother as she is knowing that she did the best that she knew how to. I can’t live my life resenting my mother. The only one that will be held back is me. I have to nurture myself. I have to take care of Cristal. I have to love me. I have to support and encourage myself. I finally feel like I can appreciate my mom and enjoy the relationship we have.
Sometimes, we are super hard on our parents. Not realizing that they are human. My mom isn’t only my mom. My mom was a child. She is a sister, a daughter, a wife. She had a life before me. A life that shaped her into who she is. Whether she’s able to give me the love I need or not, it’s not a reason to be angry towards her. She had no idea how to mother. How can I hold her accountable for something that she didn’t know how to do?