The devil is a liar!

Why is it so easy to focus on the negative instead of the good? Lately, I have been in such a funk. I was angry and mad at everything. Everything was bothering me and I was literally over everything. God, I want you but I don’t desire you. I want to live for you, but , I’m lonely. I want to stay pure , but, I also want to have sex. I want to live for you, but, at times I don’t.

God, this is too hard.

We all know that if you are going to be spiritually fit, it is going to take work. You will not wake up day after day in a good mood without putting in the work. We have to work for our peace. We have to work for our joy. We have to seek God to build fruit. I don’t know about you, but I can’t love everybody with my own strength. The way I’m used to doing things is by lashing out and seeking revenge. I know that in order for growth to happen something has to change. Thank you God for showing me.

Not to long ago,  someone said something to me regarding my social media posts and it really bothered me. People love my posts and a lot of individuals can relate. A lot of people are in pain and that’s who God created me for , the hurting. I thank God for my calling . I have to admit though, sometimes it is hard. People can be mean and you want to be mean right back. I have to remember that this is not about me. This is about bringing glory to God so people can be set free.

I know who I am. I fought hard to get here. I fought hard for my healing. The enemy has a way of convincing you that you have a right to be upset and lash out. The devil wants us in discord, he doesn’t want us to love unconditionally. Just like God has an agenda for us , so does the enemy. The spiritual fight is a battle. Because we don’t see the enemy physically we often forget about him. We make excuses for our behavior and don’t realize how the enemy plays a part in it .

I have to keep reminding myself that this is a war, we don’t fight with each other. We fight the only way we know how to fight , through prayer. I can fight with everyone around me or I can choose to pray. God changes our heart in prayer. Prayer is such a powerful weapon. When you pray you can defeat the enemy. When you pray you hear God’s voice. When you pray you know when you are being attacked. I got comfortable and stopped praying. I learned my lesson. Never stop praying.

God is so good. He is so faithful . Seek him. Repent. Forgive. Stay prayed up. He can change things in an instant.

Ephesians 6- ¹² For we^[d] are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

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Addiction.

 

Some think that addiction ends when you stop using your drug of choice. If you ask me, addiction doesn’t really end. Most people that struggle with addiction started abusing drugs/alcohol way before they turned 25. 90% of addictions start in our teenage years. Our brains don’t finish developing until the age of 25. Which makes perfect sense as to why trauma plus addiction in our early stages of life can destroy a person’s life before it even begins. That’s scary.

I’m not a a doctor. I don’t know everything about how our brain works, but,  I know how addiction works. I know how hard it is to remain sober when alcohol is everywhere. I know how hard it is to deal with life sober. All I ever knew was alcohol. Facing reality and overcoming in a sober mind state is the most challenging thing I have had to do. Renewing my mind. Healing from past traumas. Letting go of the anger that consumes me because I feel like I wasted so much time being drunk instead of being productive. Mentally, it’s a battle.

I know that I can’t give up. As hard as it gets. As many tears as I shed. I know that I have to keep going. The pain of healing is sometimes unbearable, but, it has to be done. I know I won’t be here forever. I know I’m still learning to deal with my emotions and new pains. I know it is a process that I have to be patient with. Sometimes, I wish the healing process can just happen. I pray to God to just take it all away in an instant. I just want to be completely free from my past. I don’t want triggers. I don’t want for someone to say one thing and it brings me back to 10 years ago. Do you ever truly heal?

I know healing takes work. I have to be patient with myself. I have to keep working on me. In order for me to do God’s work and pour into others, I have to make sure I’m okay. I somehow thought that this process was going to be a quick one. I’m learning that you cannot rush the process. You can’t rush what God wants to teach you. You can’t rush the healing that God wants to do in you. It’s not a race.  Take your time.

We live in a world that does everything super fast. You need to do things now. The pressures of life alone will make you go crazy. I’m learning to not listen to everything I hear. I’m learning to take advice only from wise counsel. I’m learning to go to God instead of venting to everybody. I’m learning that it’s okay to be upset , just don’t take it out on others. It’s all a process. It’s a battle within that I know I will conquer in time. I’m honestly tired of the mood swings. I’m tired of the unstable emotions. This is one area that I know I have to work in. I have to start incorporating healthy habits into my life. I know what I have to do, I just have to do it.

Addiction is a battle. Healing is a battle. Don’t beat yourself up. Give yourself grace. Give glory to God for keeping you sober. If you are still struggling, it’s okay. Keep believing that one day you will be free. Your identity is not defined in your mess ups. God has a way of making our mess a message. Appreciate the process and truly believe in your heart that you are an overcomer.

God is faithful.

1 Corinthians 10:13

No temptation [regardless of its source] has overtaken or enticed you that is not common to human experience [nor is any temptation unusual or beyond human resistance]; but God is faithful [to His word–He is compassionate and trustworthy], and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability [to resist], but along with the temptation He [has in the past and is now and] will [always] provide the way out as well, so that you will be able to endure it [without yielding, and will overcome temptation with joy].

Mothers with daughters.

Your daughters see everything. Broken mothers raise broken daughters. As a daughter you can either ignore the pain or choose to heal. Both are equally painful if you ask me. I always seen my mother cater to men regardless of how they treated her. As I got older, I believed that as a woman that was a woman’s role.

How do you love your mom when it hurts? When it hurts to see her with a man that doesn’t really love and appreciate her? How do you love your mom when she doesn’t really know how to be a mother? How do you forgive your mom when you want her to do and be better? How do you accept her as she is ? How do you accept it all and stop trying to change it? How do you stop letting anger consume you because you feel like you missed out on a great mother and daughter relationship?

How do you accept it , forgive and move on?

Everyone says to forgive. Forgiveness is a lot easier when you don’t have to see the person. But, what happens when you have to forgive and see the person constantly? How do you keep forgiving when an individual keeps letting you down?

I’m a grown woman now. I have to forgive her 100%. I have to stop expecting her to be this mom that I so desire her to be. I have to stop expecting her to value herself and know her worth. I have to stop expecting her to be someone that she is not. But how?

How do you accept other people’s brokenness when you know what it’s like to be whole and you so badly want that for them? How do you let go of what it could be? It’s like I magically want her to wake up one day and tell me how much she loves me and celebrate me for all those times she didn’t .

I know I have to let it go. I know I have to accept that this is my reality. Mothers with daughters, love your daughters. Your personal relationships do affect your daughters. Choose healthy ones. If you know you’re broken , talk to her about it . Open communication between mothers and daughters is by far one of the best things you will ever have. Build that communication as she grows. Don’t wait until she’s already an adult to communicate. Overall , be open to healing.

As a daughter , I haven’t always Been the best. I lashed out in anger many times. Up to this day she still doesn’t understand where my anger comes from. Neither of my parents do. But that’s okay. I pray to God that he heals my heart . That I stop looking for validation and approval from my parents. That I accept them as they are. That I get whole enough to love them without conditions.

I appreciate everything my parents have done for me, I really do. I just wish they knew it was more to parenting than food and shelter.

It’s my moms birthday today. As much as I don’t want to , I will buy her a cake. I don’t remember the last time my mom bought me a cake and it’s pretty sad. Why doesn’t she celebrate her only daughter? Maybe her mom didn’t celebrate their birthdays, idk . Sometimes I wish I had a normal family. Am I being ungrateful? I know she didn’t grow up with love, so why am I expecting her to give it? I’m just trying to understand It all.

Maybe, I’m not supposed to understand it and just accept it.

Narcissism. God. Healing.

 

Confession. I saw my narcissist ex 2 months ago. I don’t know why I fell for the love bombing and gas lighting, again. How did I not see right through his narcissistic behavior? It made me angry all over again. He came back apologizing and confessing his love for me. Something that I wanted from him, genuinely. The minute I said I wasn’t going to have sex with him , everything changed.

I blocked him again. I’ve accepted the fact that he is sick. We will never be and I’ve learned to let it go.

Fast forward. I met a guy. He’s amazing. Now I have anxiety.

I was okay with being alone. Then he came along. How do you date again after dating a narcissist? It’s kind of hard to talk to people about this because most don’t get it. The only people who seem to understand me are the ones that are aware of their own dealings with a narcissist. I’ve come to understand that the healing process is a journey.  A journey that might include getting into a new relationship and healing some more. How do you not worry? How do you completely trust God when you are scared in your flesh?

I want love. I want a partner in life. I also don’t mind being alone. Love takes risk. Love takes selflessness. Love challenges you in every way possible. I know what I prayed for. But, can I be honest? I didn’t think it was going to come this fast. Or maybe, we pray for things we think we want without understanding how much responsibility and work it takes to maintain it. I know God listens to me. I know that I am going to do amazing things in life. I guess I’m just having a hard time with trusting God 100% right now, especially when it comes to relationships.

Mentally, I may not be ready for certain things. Can you ever be 100% ready ? I guess the best things in life are the ones that come unexpectedly. I’m so grateful for my recovery. I’m grateful for the healing I’ve made so far. I’m grateful for the forgiveness that has happened in my life. Why is it that when I started getting comfortable , God sent someone in my life to challenge me?

Isaiah 55:8-9

⁸ “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.
    “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
⁹ For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so my ways are higher than your ways
    and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.

Why are you angry?

(Written July 26 , 2018.)

Why are you angry ?

I’m angry because life is not what I thought it would be.

I’m angry because I feel like I have to figure life out on my own.

I’m angry because I feel like my parents failed me .

I’m angry because I can’t let it go !

I’m angry because life is hard !

I’m angry because I want to be with someone I know is not for me !

I’m angry because I’m too hard on myself and I need to grace myself .

I’m angry because I feel so misunderstood.

I’m angry because I miss my best friend.

I’m angry because I wanted my ex to change for me.

I’m angry because I don’t understand why God does the things he does.

I’m angry because I don’t have patience.

I’m angry because God is not answering me quick enough .

God I don’t know what you’re doing in this season but I trust you that you will release this anger from inside of me . Help me to see life through your eyes . Give me peace over the things I don’t understand. Help me to let go of the things that are not for me . Break every single soul tie . Detach my heart from anyone that has a piece of it ! Help me Lord.

Are you really free?

 

I have lived a life in bondage my whole life. I never knew a life of freedom. Being born into a puertorican family, we Kinda just survive. No vision, no purpose , just work to eat and pay bills. I always knew deep down within me that there was more. I truly believe that was God’s way of always keeping me in his reach , even when I was at my lowest. I guess I never truly lost hope. I almost did, but, thank God I didn’t.

I was comfortable being depressed. I was comfortable working and looking forward to the weekend. I was comfortable sleeping around. I was comfortable living paycheck to paycheck. I was comfortable with having debt. I was comfortable in my addiction. I was comfortable being mad at the world. I was comfortable in my brokenness. I didn’t know anything else. I never saw anything else. This was my life, it was normal to me. The pain was normal. Numbing the pain with alcohol and sex was normal. All this was normal to me until I wanted to kill my self. I knew deep down that this s*** was NOT NORMAL.

I cried out to God, ” idk how you gonna do it, but I need you to come through like RIGHT NOW!! I can’t go another day. The pain is unbearable. I hate the woman who I’ve become. No one loves me. My life has no purpose. I’m ready to die. If you are really calling me, I surrender, have your way and do what you have to do in me, God.”

That was the beginning of my deliverance in 2016. It has been one heck of a ride. Letting go of my bondage was so hard! One thing that I have learned is that you do not become free in one day. It is a daily process. It is looking out for God’s voice every single day. Doing as he says. Seeking him. Praying. Worshipping. When you truly want to be delivered , nothing else matters, your deliverance is your top priority.

As of lately, I caught myself going back to my past. It’s almost like I didn’t know how to handle being free. I didn’t know this life of freedom. It was different. No chaos. no depression. No soul ties. It was DIFFERENT. I went to church this past Sunday and in the midst of worship , it hit me. “I AM FREE, WHY AM I SO SCARED OF BEING FREE?”

Our walk with Christ will always be a journey. We will never reach perfection. We can always have more of God. We will always continue to grow. Pain has a way of bringing us closer to God, but, what do you do when he heals that pain? How do you relate with God from a place of freedom? you worship him! You praise him! YOU THANK HIM! Keep immersing yourself in the Lord. Start walking in your purpose. help others. Be obedient to what he is telling you to do.

I have to accept that I am no longer broken. God has given me a new vision. I am so grateful. I am in pure awe of God’s goodness. He has restored me back to life. If you are working on your deliverance, be patient. I know it is hard. I know you want to give up. I know talking about your deepest wounds is not easy. I know forgiving people who hurt you is not easy. Trust me , I know. BUT, what I can tell you is that we serve an amazing God. We serve a God that wants to heal you and set you free. We serve a God that took it all to the cross just so YOU can be free. Put your trust and faith in him. Seek him whole heartedly and watch your life change. I love you. God loves you. It gets better. Freedom is around the corner.