The Emotionally Absent mother.

alone

 

I’ve known my mother my whole life. She always fed me and she always gave me a place to live. I never thought I needed more until I got sober and realized I had immense emptiness within me. I’ve always struggled with feeling loved. I lived my life seeking validation and approval from men. The easiest way for me to feel loved was through men. It wasn’t real love.But, it was better than nothing.

I knew my relationship with my mom was broken. I couldn’t understand why. She was always around. She never denied me . She always called me to make sure I was okay. Face to face, she would never express her love for me. She never held me. She never looked me in my eyes and said, ” everything is going to be okay “. Instead,I was told I was too emotional. I was doing too much. I needed to get over it. I learned to not express myself.

Between my parents divorcing, being raped , alcohol addiction, struggles with food, and  heart break, I’ve always felt alone. Both of my parents were alive and near, but, I still felt like an orphan. How could that be? I knew they loved me. They just didn’t know how to show it.

My mother didn’t get a chance to grow up. She didn’t get a chance to deal with her own stuff. She didn’t want to get married so soon. I know my mom loves me and my brother, but , she didn’t want kids. She has said it. She often said things like ” I couldn’t do whatever I wanted, I had you two to take care of.”   Almost like she blamed us for her lack of living life on her terms. I know she loves me , she just can’t emotionally show it.

I witness her and her mother interact. It is the same exact way me and her interact, cold.  I just finished reading,  The Emotionally Absent Mother .  

This book has explained so much. It helps me go from victim to acceptance. Accepting my mother as she is knowing that she did the best that she knew how to. I can’t live my life resenting my mother. The only one that will be held back is me. I have to nurture myself. I have to take care of Cristal. I have to love me. I have to support and encourage myself. I finally feel like I can appreciate my mom and enjoy the relationship we have.

Sometimes, we are super hard on our parents. Not realizing that they are human. My mom isn’t only my mom. My mom was a child. She is a sister, a daughter, a wife. She had a life before me. A life that shaped her into who she is. Whether she’s able to give me the love I need or not, it’s not a reason to be angry towards her. She had no idea how to mother. How can I hold her accountable for something that she didn’t know how to do?

 

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Breathe.

I’m blessed.

I have my sanity.

I have my health.

I have a job.

I have a car.

I have PEACE.

I have no drama in my life.

I have healthy friendships.

I have vision.

I have goals.

I have purpose.

I have family.

I have God.

I have myself.

I have everything that I need right now.

We tend to focus on everything that we don’t have. We all have different goals. We want the business. We want the career. We want to lose the Weight. We want everything to be perfect . We want the career, house, marriage and children along with a life of peace. That shouldn’t be hard right? Oh, but it is . They make it look so easy when we are kids, don’t they?

So many things come into play when we talk about what success looks like to us.

What does success look like to you?

when I look at my life , I know I’m not where I want to be. But, I know that I’m at peace. I get super frustrated at times because I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to go backwards. I want to succeed . I want to win so bad that I want to do everything all at once , which then leads to me feeling overwhelmed.

I have to BREATHE. I have to take things one step at a time. Plan. Execute.

Comparison steals your joy. Social media makes me feel like I have to speed up and catch up. Social media makes me feel like I have to do everything NOW. The reality of it all is that you can’t do everything RIGHT NOW. You can do one thing now. Once you conquer that, then you can conquer something else.

I want to succeed. I also want to have peace. I only want God’s will for my life. Not my own selfish desires. Your desires can be selfish if you’re doing them to prove yourself to other people. What did God specifically create YOU for?

Breathe. You’re exactly where you need to be. We get so focused on getting to the end that we don’t appreciate the middle. Appreciate the sadness, the frustration, the meltdowns, the ugly cries. This is where we are made.

After all, ALL THINGS WORK OUT FOR OUR GOOD.

Wilderness.

Does anyone even care?

Does anyone really love me?

Does it ever get better ?

Why do I take 2 steps forward just to take 3 steps back?

I thought I was moving.

I’m not seeing any progress.

I’m not seeing anything around me change.

Does it ever get better?

One day I’m up. The next day I’m trying to catch my breath.

They tell me to focus on the positive . I do .

I can only speak life over myself until things start to get out of hand.

I know it will all be worked out for my good. I know.

As a tear drops, I just want to win.

I want to succeed. I know it’s going to be hard .

I know I will have to fight.

I know I can’t give up.

I know I have to keep going.

Does it ever get easy?

Yeah, maybe when I actually win.

Life will always have ups and downs. I used to go to the bottle when things got tough. Things never got better though.

A part of me just wants one glass of alcohol. Just one.

A part of me knows I can’t have just one.

You don’t miss anything sober. You can’t get away from anything. You have to deal with it ALL.

Tough times don’t last forever . 💜

Believe .

You are worthy of losing the weight .

You are worthy of change.

You are worthy of growing.

You are worthy of better.

You are worthy of peace .

You are worthy of confidence.

You are worthy of love.

You are worthy of success.

You are worthy of evolving.

You are worthy of saying no.

You are worthy of being a wife.

You are worthy of getting out of debt.

You are worthy of being whole.

You are worthy of everything great.

Past hurtful experiences are great for hindering us. I’m realizing that growth comes from believing you are worthy of that growth.

Making a decision to grow is half the battle.

BELIEVING you are worthy of becoming better is the other half.

Take your time. You got this 💜

Dropping my Religion.

We often times get caught up in working for God instead of seeking God. When we seek God, he changes us. He transforms us from the inside out.

I often see that we start working for GOD before we are transformed. We start putting all our energy into everything , but, our own transformation. When we allow God to change us from the inside out , that’s when we will have breakthroughs. There’s beauty in serving the world. Servanthood is a posture of the heart. Our hearts must be changed . If our hearts are not changed, we will assume that our works is the reason God loves us. Truth is, God loves you before you do anything . Works doesn’t save you. Intimacy with Christ saves you. Faith saves you. Repentance saves you. Everything else is just what flows out of your relationship with Christ .

You will have no problem serving when you’re intimate with Christ .

You will have no problem tithing when your heart is transformed.

You will have no problem helping when you seek God.

We got this all wrong. It’s not in the works where we see God’s glory. It’s in the seek. Out of that seek you will work and out of those works you will see his glory. Works without seeking Christ is just works.

Click on my video below to watch my YouTube video on Dropping My Religion …

https://youtu.be/UjE2ms4c1cg

Celebrate yourself !

Today , I’m celebrating 2 years of sobriety and I’m beyond proud of myself. Through the ups and downs , I kept going. I knew giving up was not an option.

Today’s expectation: waking up to balloons and a cake, celebrating my 2 year milestone with loved ones.

Today’s reality: no one knew. No one acknowledged my milestone . No one said “congratulations” other than my social media ” friends” , only after I posted a picture with a long caption about my recovery and journey.

I went to church today and praised my tail off. God is so good. Even when I don’t see it or feel it , he’s working. My mom didn’t congratulate me today or celebrate , but, when I woke up she was listening to worship music. In that moment , I realized that God hears my prayers. In my seek, my mom is seeking Christ . She may not know how to love on me or celebrate me , but I know she wants more. I pray for heart and I pray God does a new thing with her and through her .

I can very well be upset. I can cry. I can be bitter. I can lash out in anger. I can throw a pity party. But, I can also celebrate myself. Be proud of myself . Give glory to God. I know that this little uncomfortable feeling of me not being celebrated today will pass. I know I’m worthy. I know I’m amazing. I know I’m blessed. I know God has plans to prosper me . I know ALL things will work out for my good. God is faithful.

I started the day off by going to church. The service was on UNFORGIVENESS. I couldn’t even hold grudges today if I wanted to. I see you God! I had to understand what it is to truly walk in forgiveness. To understand that people that have never been loved properly or celebrated cannot do it for me.

I had sushi with one of my church friends after church. We had a really great conversation and I was grateful for it. After that, we walked over to her friends boutique and I bought a pair of cute shoes for $20!! Today , was a good day.

Even though, I love big celebrations and I would’ve loved to be celebrated , I had a good day. A peaceful day. A day with the Lord. I wasn’t alone and for that I’m grateful. I’m thankful for the woman that had sushi with me today . She has no idea how much that meant to me. Maybe, I’ll tell her one day. She deserves to know that her presence was very much appreciated.

Celebrate yourself. Even if it’s a small accomplishment , celebrate it . Who cares if no one celebrates you, you deserve to celebrate you! You deserve to have peace. Trust God that he will send people in your life that will celebrate you without you having to ask. You are precious . You are a child of God. You are important . You are worthy.

Sometimes, it’s hard to really grasp that when you come from brokenness. God is too good to live a life in misery. I’m truly learning what it is to live a life of faith. It’s challenging at times. But, keep fighting the good fight . You Aren’t alone . 💜🙏

Celebrate you . Do something you’ve never done . Live life.