Addicted to food.

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How many of us can honestly say that we are addicted to food? *raises hand* How many diets have you started in the last year? How many times have you gotten mad at yourself for failing, again?

When I think about the Struggles I face with food, it can be a bit overwhelming. The one thing that I know is that I will never give up. As I continue to heal within, I notice that my journey with food gets a bit easier. I’ve learned to give myself grace and not beat myself up for eating the wrong foods. Creating a healthy relationship with myself is important to me. I always say that obesity is a physical sign of an internal issue. We turn to food because it comforts us. The only way I will overcome this is by dealing with the reasons I turn to food in the first place.

I’ve made so much progress. I honestly believe that the next step is truly believing that I’m worth a healthy body. Believing that I’m worth a healthy life . I’m worthy of loving myself and not apologizing for it. I’m worthy of walking into everything God has called me to BOLDLY.

Food is a topic that’s not often talked about. We go to doctors just for them to tell us what we already know, but, because we don’t listen we most likely get put on medication. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I know I need to be disciplined in this area. I also have to break this unhealthy relationship I have with food. I have to look at food as a way to nourish my body and not as something I go to , to fill a void. How can food have a hold on us like this? Why aren’t we talking about it more? Everyone is always talking about the latest diet. How can we possibly expect a people with so many heart issues to conquer their battle with food?

Food is not the issue. The way we feel about ourselves and the way we live our lives is the problem. Just like any other addiction, we must talk about the things that lead us to binge in the first place. We were never created to eat as much as we do. We weren’t created to live sedentary lifestyles. We weren’t created to sit in front of a tv for hours at a time.  It is no surprise to me why so many of us struggle with obesity.

I’m honestly so tired of being overweight. I’m tired of not loving myself enough to not change the way I live my life. I’m tired of dieting. It’s time for a change. Overcoming alcohol addiction was tough and it took a lot of hard work. I’m quickly noticing that food addiction is an even tougher battle. Sometimes I ask myself when will all this stop? when will I be free from the powers of addiction? In order to have a different outcome you have to do something different.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

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Daddy issues.

I’m seeking a man to fill the void of not having a father present. I’m subconsciously making decisions from a little girls perspective. I want my dad. I want him to give me advice. I want him to protect me. I want him to hug me. I want him to tell me how proud he is of me. I want him to take me out to dinner. I just want to have a relationship with my dad.

That may never happen and I have to accept that. We talk here and there. I see him once a year for the most part. I know he’s doing well in Puerto Rico. I know he did the best he can. I know his intention wasn’t to abandon me. I know he meant no harm. So why am I still unable to forgive him?

The Lord quickly reminded me tonight in worship how I’m making marriage an idol. I’m desperately seeking for a husband to fill the void of not having a daddy. That cut deep. Almost lost my breath. My chest tightened up and all I could do was cry. Every girl desires to have a great relationship with her dad. Women shouldn’t have to figure out life on their own. Fathers are important.

Dad, I forgive you.

I thought I already forgave you , but , clearly I didn’t. Deep down I was still holding on. Holding on to what could of been. Holding on to how life would have been like if you and mom never got divorced. My life changed drastically. I was still that little girl seeking for answers. I have to let go. I have to trust God. I have to trust him enough to know that he will always protect me no matter what. I can’t change the past . I can only control what I do and how I react from here on out.

I want to be free. I want to choose peace. I want to choose happiness. I want to choose forgiveness. I choose all of this today. I choose it again, and I will choose it every single day.

To every little girl without a present father , you are loved and The Lord has not forgotten you. ❤️

How do you know he’s the one?

I’ve been getting my heart broken by men my entire life. How do I know if he’s the right one or if he’s just like the ones in the past? Everyone is always on their best behavior in the beginning , that’s the scary part. I’m far from perfect and I will never reach perfection, but , one thing I can say is that I try my best to better myself every single day.

I know the love we see in movies doesn’t exist. I know that marriage is hard work. I know I’m not always going to have butterflies in my stomach. I know that things will get real , but who’s worth all of that? Who’s worth fighting for ? Who’s worth choosing to love every single day despite their ugly side?

I know a part of me is afraid of commitment. A part of me is holding back love. A part of me doesn’t want to get close to anyone. A part of me is okay with being single. But, is this what I really want? Forever? Absolutely not. I do want someone I can do life with , but , when I think of the possibility of experiencing another heartbreak, I want to run the other way. Life is hard enough as it is. The last thing I need is a bad relationship.

I’m a lot more cautious now a days than I was before . That can be a good or bad thing. I over analyze everything, and I paint this picture in my head of the perfect man. How can I set such high expectations for a man when I myself am not the most perfect woman in the world?

30 is a tricky age. You’re old enough to know better . You’re old enough to not commit the same mistakes over and over. But, you’re also old enough to be very comfortable with being single. You get comfortable with doing life alone. I don’t have to ask anyone to book a trip. I don’t have to ask anyone to do anything , I’m 30! 😂

But who really wants to be alone? Nobody. We all want to be loved. We all want to be catered to. We all want to be appreciated. I rather love than not love at all. Relationships will never be perfect and that’s okay. Even if I love again and get hurt again, at least I loved once more. I will not let fear stop me from experiencing anything that’s good for me. Love is a beautiful thing. My past doesn’t define me. Life is all about experiences. Learning and growing.

I don’t know what’s next for me, but God does.

Rest.

When was the last time you slept in? When was the last time you turned your phone off ? When was the last time you got rid of every distraction and enjoyed some alone time? When was the last time you got some well needed rest?

We live in a time when everything is moving at full speed. We always have something to do. We are always logged on. We are always texting. We are always working. We barely ever take time to rest. Society tells us to grind. We literally work ourselves to death in America. So many people are sick and on medication. Obesity rates are sky high. Depression is high. Anxiety is high. Everyone is lonely. No one is happy. Life is a beautiful gift. Why are we all so damn miserable?

If we listen to what society’s standard for our lives should be, we will never enjoy our existence on this earth. We have so much pressure to do something and to be something . If I don’t have any titles ,401k plans , fancy degrees and a house with a white picket fence I’m somehow losing in life. What if people just want to be peaceful and happy? What If I don’t want to work 50-60 hours a week to afford a house I can’t even enjoy? What if I value time with my loved ones instead of always working? What if I care about my sanity more than my bank account?

I’m tired of people placing expectations on my life. I don’t want to say that money doesn’t matter because it does, but , I know what it’s like to want to die. When you hit rock bottom you look at life totally different. I don’t mind working because I enjoy my job , but, I know I won’t be there forever. As I’m getting my life in order I know that I will be going into business. I will be doing things that I truly enjoy so I can make a difference in this world. That’s why I’m alive, to make a difference. To inspire others. Some of us are so used to living life in pain and misery that we are numb to it. We don’t even realize we are dying inside.

I’ve decided to get off social media for a bit. I don’t know how long it will be but it’ll be for some time. I need as less distractions as possible. I need to focus on the things that matter. I need to grow. I need to stop wasting time scrolling. I need to rest and live productively. I want to live life on my terms with no additional pressure. I know where God has me and I know where I’m going. Life is beautiful when you see the beauty in it. Sometimes you have to slow down to see that beauty. Life is a gift that most of us won’t see as a gift until it’s too late. Take care of you. Prioritize. You matter . Your health matters. It’s okay to rest. It’s okay to enjoy life.

The pressures of being 30 and single.

I’m not even going to lie! This ish is hard!!!!!! Some days I’m this wildly confident woman that’s super excited about not having a family to look after, other days I just want to lay in bed and not face the world. I want a husband and I want like 5 kids. I know I’m blessed . I know I have nothing but time on my hands to really enjoy the heck out of life and do WHATEVER I WANT . I know. That still doesn’t take away from the fact that I want my own family.

I’m really not going to beat myself up over this. I’m going to rant today and keep it moving. Today, I’m feeling like, ” what’s wrong with me?”. Why doesn’t anybody want to be with me? Why is it so damn hard to find a man these days? Am I the only one struggling here? Help a sista out! Let me know how you are surviving your 30’s being single.

I know when I have these moments I can get real desperate, I don’t want to choose the wrong man out of desperation! I want the one that’s going to be my partner in life. The one I can laugh with. The one I can feel secure with. The one that will be a good father to my children. The one that doesn’t put work before family. The one that prays over his home. The one that genuinely wants to love and protect his wife and kids.

I’m very aware that I still have to grow within myself. So maybe this alone time is exactly where I need to be right now. Is it tough at times? Absolutely. Everyone says trust God , but to be honest , I’m not really trying to hear that from all the married folks. Thanks , but no thanks! I still love y’all tho! ❤️

Honestly. Sometimes I just want a distraction from myself. Rediscovering yourself and making your life exactly what you want it to be can be fun , but it can also be very hard. Healing is hard. It’s so easy to go back to what you’re comfortable with. I want to give up like allllll the time. But , I know I can’t. I have to keep going , even when it gets tough. My relationship status doesn’t define me. I’m still worthy and I’m still amazing . Most importantly, I can put allll the attention on myself and helping others in this season. I know I have to grow in certain areas, I will focus on that for now. Life is one big rollercoaster. I want to drop everything and move to Hawaii , but I’m not . I have things to do on this earth to make it a better place.

As they say in AA, one day at a time.

Lord, I need you.

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It’s so easy to get caught up. It’s so easy to go against God’s will for your life. Choosing to live for Christ has to be one of the toughest things I have ever done. This is about my soul. I don’t believe in Jesus because I want to be blessed. I don’t believe in the Christian faith because I want to love everybody and be at peace. That’s not it. Jesus calls us to pick up the cross and follow him. I have no idea when all this turned into self-help, but the Gospel is not that. This is not about bringing world peace. The cross divides, no way around it. This is about being selfless, not selfish. NOT EASY. 

When I look at the things that I say or do, I shock myself. I need Jesus. With him, I kinda have it together a couple of days out of the week, and, without him I’m a hot mess. I need God every second of the day. It’s easy for me to get impatient and do my own thing. “God, why are you taking so long to make this happen?” We often want God to do things now, which leads us to forget about what God is trying to teach us in this season. Even though I say God has set me free from the hurts of my past , if I don’t cling to Jesus, I go right back to that desperate girl who wants attention from any guy she can get it from. I’m tired of being single. I also want to have sex. I also want to be married. I also want to do God’s will , but, sometimes I don’t. This is real life.

Sometimes I want to throw in the towel. When I think about the world we live in and the pain that I go through, the pain that others go through, WHAT IS THE POINT? Sometimes, I want to go to the nearest liquor store and just forget about everything for a couple of hours. My life didn’t get easier, it got harder. So why do I still choose Christ? Because I’ve experienced him. Even though I fail him daily, I can’t ever go back. Even though, I haven’t conquered my issues with lust, I still seek him. I have no other option. What’s the other option? Going back to the world? NO, THANK YOU. We live in a sex crazed world with no rules. Everything we do is to the max and deal with the consequences later. When I am weak he is strong. Even though I still fail him, he does not give up on me.

I usually get caught up in being perfect. I feel like I need to have it all together to preach the gospel. How can I preach the gospel when I just watched porn? how can I preach the gospel when I’m quick to anger and not think about what I say? Sin separates us from God. Instead of me getting closer to the Lord when I mess up, I distance myself. I lose confidence. I start questioning who I am. I’m too dirty, I’m too messy, God is not happy with me right now. We make so many excuses, when in reality our father never leaves us. He wants us to turn from our ways. He wants us to grow in him. Is it hard? As long as we are in this flesh it will be hard. We all struggle with different things. No one is perfect, not even your pastor.

Lord, help me see myself the way you see me.

Lord, I need you. I need you because sometimes I want to do wrong even though I do love you. I want to get closer to you. I want to grow in you. I want to get back to that secret place. That place of perfect peace. That place of trusting you whole heartedly. That place of asking myself , ” is this pleasing to my Father?”. Lord, I need you EVERY SINGLE DAY. I turn from my ungodly ways and I trust you to give me the strength to keep my eyes on you and not what satisfies my flesh.