I remember being in the psych ward in 2015.
I was so over life.
I lost hope.
I started thinking about ways to just end it all.
I saw no point in living.
If I was created to work, pay bills , and do the same thing over and over again until I die , I wanted no parts.
I kept drinking to numb the pain. I kept dating randoms to ease the pain. I used sex to numb the pain. I didn’t know why I was still alive. All I knew was that these reckless activities made life worth living at the moment. As long as I had a man, I was good. As long as I was drinking, I was good. As long as I was having sex, I was good.
My experience at the hospital wasn’t what I thought it would be. I thought they would help me. I thought they would really care. I thought that they would talk to me to help me get to the core issue of why I was so damn depressed.
But .. no.
I was given antidepressants.
Being around other patients made me want to stay around those that were like me. I didn’t want to leave the hospital because it was safe. Nothing bad could happen. I didn’t have to worry about how my life was in shambles because I didn’t have to deal with life. It was almost like I made an exit to this peaceful place where you go to bed early, take your meds, watch tv and color. But is that really living? Nope.
I was out of there in 3 days. Here’s why. I lied.
I told them I was no longer suicidal. They set up appointments for me to go to an outpatient alcohol program and to go see a psychologist, plus a prescription to continue antidepressants. That’s it. Guess what? I went to neither and I never got my meds. At that point I knew I couldn’t trust the system to help me.
I don’t believe we get depressed or anxious for no reason. I don’t believe in chemical imbalances because that can be altered by life experience, exercise, purpose and healing. So , is it REALLY a chemical imbalance or are we just too lazy to REALLY help people with their problem?
A part of me is happy that we are getting to a place where mental health is talked about on the regular. The only problem I have is that a lot of us are accepting our diagnosis for life. We are accepting that this is life and nothing we do can change it . That’s a lie.
I just saw a commercial for another pill that helps with the side effects of antidepressants. Please explain to me how given someone with suicide thoughts an antidepressant that may increase suicide thoughts is of any help? And on top of that we have the audacity to create another pill that helps decrease the suicidal thoughts. So not only are you super depressed but now you’re taking 2 pills that are taking a toll on your body and covering up your symptoms.
All I know is that antidepressants are not the answer. If you’ve lost hope and you don’t want to the work because it just seems like A LOT , I understand. I get it . It takes a lot to come out of a dark place. You need to put in the work. Get up after falling and try again.
As a woman of God I can’t give the credit to medicine at all. Not only because I feel like most, if not , ALL of our issues are heart and soul issues. Jesus often talked about confession ( therapy/ safe groups) . Jesus often talked about community ( Church/friends/accountability). Jesus often talked about repentance ( forgiveness, letting go and moving forward).
We are weighed down by life’s problems. We are weighed down by our own choices. We are weighed down by the things people have done to us. We are weighed down by comparison. We are weighed down by poverty and low self esteem. you name it and we are weighed down by it.
I believe that we all can be healed and live a life of freedom. It takes daily work. Daily surrender. It takes time. 3 years into my journey and I’m still healing, forgiving, letting go and as a human on this earth, I continue to get hurt. Whether it’s intentional or unintentional, it happens. Life happens to all of us . We have to make up in our minds that we can overcome by the Blood of Jesus.
If you need to start on medicine , cool. If you need to talk it out , go talk it out. But please understand that you don’t have to live like that forever. Jesus restores , he saves and he redeems . This world cannot add to you. This world can’t heal you. Our jobs can’t heal us. Our money can’t heal us. Our big houses can’t heal us.
You know what heals us, LOVE. We all need to be LOVED. I pray that everyone reading this knows that you are worthy of being loved. I pray for you to have the strength to leave toxic things in your life. I pray you come across Godly, genuine and loving people that don’t want to change anything about you, but love you just as you are ! Because you my friend are worthy of that and more.
I pray for peace, joy and love to flood your life. I pray morning comes now. I pray for heaviness to fall off and for your joy to shine through.
Yes, you may have been through some things but that’s not who you are, it’s just what you’ve been through. Don’t label yourself. Take the labels others have put on you and throw them out . You are a Kings kid and we are called to live prosperous lives. Our souls need rest. Our soul will prosper. Surrender. ❤️🙏