Are you really free?

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I have lived a life in bondage my whole life. I never knew a life of freedom. Being born into a puertorican family, we Kinda just survive. No vision, no purpose , just work to eat and pay bills. I always knew deep down within me that there was more. I truly believe that was God’s way of always keeping me in his reach , even when I was at my lowest. I guess I never truly lost hope. I almost did, but, thank God I didn’t.

I was comfortable being depressed. I was comfortable working and looking forward to the weekend. I was comfortable sleeping around. I was comfortable living paycheck to paycheck. I was comfortable with having debt. I was comfortable in my addiction. I was comfortable being mad at the world. I was comfortable in my brokenness. I didn’t know anything else. I never saw anything else. This was my life, it was normal to me. The pain was normal. Numbing the pain with alcohol and sex was normal. All this was normal to me until I wanted to kill my self. I knew deep down that this s*** was NOT NORMAL.

I cried out to God, ” idk how you gonna do it, but I need you to come through like RIGHT NOW!! I can’t go another day. The pain is unbearable. I hate the woman who I’ve become. No one loves me. My life has no purpose. I’m ready to die. If you are really calling me, I surrender, have your way and do what you have to do in me, God.”

That was the beginning of my deliverance in 2016. It has been one heck of a ride. Letting go of my bondage was so hard! One thing that I have learned is that you do not become free in one day. It is a daily process. It is looking out for God’s voice every single day. Doing as he says. Seeking him. Praying. Worshipping. When you truly want to be delivered , nothing else matters, your deliverance is your top priority.

As of lately, I caught myself going back to my past. It’s almost like I didn’t know how to handle being free. I didn’t know this life of freedom. It was different. No chaos. no depression. No soul ties. It was DIFFERENT. I went to church this past Sunday and in the midst of worship , it hit me. “I AM FREE, WHY AM I SO SCARED OF BEING FREE?”

Our walk with Christ will always be a journey. We will never reach perfection. We can always have more of God. We will always continue to grow. Pain has a way of bringing us closer to God, but, what do you do when he heals that pain? How do you relate with God from a place of freedom? you worship him! You praise him! YOU THANK HIM! Keep immersing yourself in the Lord. Start walking in your purpose. help others. Be obedient to what he is telling you to do.

I have to accept that I am no longer broken. God has given me a new vision. I am so grateful. I am in pure awe of God’s goodness. He has restored me back to life. If you are working on your deliverance, be patient. I know it is hard. I know you want to give up. I know talking about your deepest wounds is not easy. I know forgiving people who hurt you is not easy. Trust me , I know. BUT, what I can tell you is that we serve an amazing God. We serve a God that wants to heal you and set you free. We serve a God that took it all to the cross just so YOU can be free. Put your trust and faith in him. Seek him whole heartedly and watch your life change. I love you. God loves you. It gets better. Freedom is around the corner.

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Love.

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Love is such a beautiful thing. We yearn to love someone for the rest of our lives. We have children to experience one of the best “love” moments of our entire existence. We are so passionate about Jesus Christ because he loved us first. But, what about the “love” that you have to let go?

The love that you know is not for you. The love that was just a lesson. The love that taught you some of your best life lessons. The love that you will never forget. The love that gave you butterflies like you were back in 5th grade. What do you do when you have to let go of this love?

Letting go of someone you deeply care about is one of the hardest things to do. We often talk about how bad people treat us, giving us a reason to let go. But, what about the one that you have forgiven? The one that didn’t do anything to hurt you? The one that genuinely cares about you, they just don’t know how to love you. What if I told you that love wasn’t complicated? Would you believe me? Love really is a choice.

We often like to put the blame on someone else. What if we were never meant to be together forever? What if God used that one person to grow you? What if that person came into your life to show you how to love? What if that person came into your life simply to be a part of it and nothing else? We like to believe that every relationship is forever, but, when did we believe that lie? Not every relationship will be forever. The reality of life is that some people are not forever and that’s okay. What God has for you will always be for you, even if it’s not right now.

I’ve learned to see the good in things. Is it always easy? Not at all. Love is one of those things that we all want. We all want that forever love. I pray that every person reading this gets to experience the good and the bad of loving an imperfect person . Love has a way of teaching us in ways that only a relationship can. Appreciate the good. Appreciate the bad. It may not have lasted forever, but, some of your greatest moments were in that relationship. Rejoice.

 

Abandoned.

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How many people can honestly say that they are scared of being loved properly? Scared of letting someone get too close to them. Scared of being vulnerable. Scared of the outcome, so you end everything that can get serious and stay to yourself.

I’ve conquered loving myself. I’ve conquered knowing who I am In Christ. I’ve conquered loving others. I’ve healed. I got to the point where I am content exactly where I am. No complaints. But, I still have one fear…

Being abandoned.

I have no problem meeting new people. I have no problem building friendships and/or connections. I do have a problem with letting a man get close to me, though. I have this thing where I really don’t trust men nor respect them. I know it stems from my past experiences with the men in life, I honestly never thought it was this bad until recently. I know we all have some type of fear of heartbreak, but, this is next level. I’d rather stay single and succeed in life without a man. The crazy part about this is that I do want to be married to an amazing man one day.

All I know is that I don’t want to be abandoned again. I rather play it safe. I know in life we must take risks. I know it’s better to love than not love at all. But, how do I trust and respect a man when in the hands of a man I was raped. My dad left me at 18. My brother left me at 20 because he got someone pregnant young. The last man I looked up to and trusted, left. I was left alone. My mom could never fill the role of a man. A man protects you. A man builds you up. A man leads you. I had none. So, I started looking for that in the streets.  It led to 10 years of alcohol abuse and broken relationships. How do you properly heal from the pain you’ve endured in the hands of men? I know I wasn’t an angel , but I do have a reason to be mad as hell about being misguided. For my dad leaving me when I needed him most. For my brother leaving me when I needed him most. Mad as hell for being used and abused in the hands of men. How do I let all this go?

How do I not put all men in the same category when all the men I’ve encountered are in the same category?

Lord, I’m going to need your help with this one.

 

 

 

When God says “NO”.

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Sometimes, people come back into our lives and we assume it is for our good. We assume that this time around it will be different. We assume that God brought this person back for us to connect again. Can it be that God sends someone back into our lives to test our love for him? To test our faith? To test our obedience? To test our character?

I love a man who I know I cannot be with. It is not God’s will for my life and I know that. I still entertained the conversation because it felt good. Being around this person gave me butterflies. Even though it felt great, I knew deep within me that this man is not for me. Not right now. He’s not ready. Will he ever be ready? I don’t know. What I do know is that I have to let it go. I can’t convince this man to grow. I can’t bring him to church with me. I can’t tell him to stop his dysfunctional patterns. That is not my place. God didn’t put me here to change a man. He put me here to crave him and do the work that he wants me to do. Only God can change the condition of a man’s heart.

Did it hurt to put my foot down, say no, and walk away? YES.

“God, but I love him, why can’t you change him?!”

Isn’t that what we always ask the Lord? We start to question God’s faithfulness. We start to question his timing. We start questioning our faith.

One thing that I learned about God is that he is our protector. Can It be that God will use someone in your life to teach you a lesson and grow you in the midst of it all? Can it be that the enemy sent someone to distract you and drain you so you don’t fulfill God’s calling over your life? Is it God or is the enemy? Let’s be real! Sometimes, IT’S NOT GOD.

Our flesh desires this person and we start making excuses. We start praying for them. We invite them to church. We love them. But we do it all for the wrong intentions. We do it because we want the man, not because we really care about his salvation. We do it for our own selfish gain. We have to be careful with what we chase. When God says no, nothing will work out. You will keep hitting walls. It will drain you instead of growing you.

Always remember….. The enemy drains, God grows.

trust his no.

 

 

Wear the bathing suit.

It doesn’t matter how much I weigh I will wear my bathing suit. Insecure or not I will wear my bathing suit. Whether I feel fat or not I will wear my bathing suit. I don’t care what anyone says or thinks I will wear my bathing suit. I’m a summer baby, so how can I not love the summer or bathing suits?we all gain weight for different reasons. We are all insecure for different reasons. Most of the reasons have to do with the words that have come out of people’s mouths. I really try my best to never comment on anyone’s weight. Sometimes it may slip and I feel super bad afterward. I don’t ever want anyone to think that they aren’t enough because of their size. Your size or weight number doesn’t define you. Yes, I’m sure you would like to look a specific way and that’s okay. Can you work on it ? Can you change it ? If so, you’re good. Don’t beat yourself up. Most of us don’t have a healthy relationship with food. Start with that. Start with loving you right now. Start with making better food choices. Start with figuring out why you turn to food? I promise you, you will not be any more secure when that number changes if you don’t deal with the inner you. The number on the scale isn’t the problem, what you have inside you that you refuse to deal with is the problem. And that’s okay. Give yourself grace. You will overcome the toughest battles. Wear the bathing suit. You are enough. You are worthy. You deserve to love you. Don’t let society make you hate you, you are the bomb!!! You don’t need to cover up. You are beautiful the way you are !! Believe it girlllll and GO SLAY!!

Tired of trying.

Being the bigger person is hard. Trying to explain to your parents why they hurt you is hard. Forgiving them because they just don’t understand is hard. I’m tired of saying I’m sorry. I’m tired of being the adult in every situation. I’m tired of showing grace because people don’t know any better. I’m tired .

Forgiving and letting go is a lot easier when you don’t have to speak or see the person ever again. The ones close to us are usually the hardest to forgive. They are the ones that drive us crazy in every way possible. We set so many expectations on the ones who we think should know and do better that when they fail us we crumble.

Some days I wish I could go far away and start a brand new life. But, how selfish would that be? I know the people in my life love me. I know they are trying their best even though their best is not what I need or even want at times. I don’t know what to do. I feel like every single time I make progress something happens that sets me back. Is it really a set back or am I giving way too much attention to the wrong things? Lord help me. I’m trying. I really am.

My birthday is 5 days away and I’m excited about my 31st year on this earth, but, I’m also not looking forward to it because I don’t even remember the last time I was celebrated. I always celebrate myself and I have no problem doing so, but I would be lying if I said a surprise wouldn’t be appreciated. Every day God continues to show me how I need to continue to trust him. It’s hard at times but I have to keep going . Even when I don’t understand things I have to trust him.

I know that all things will be worked out for my good. People are always so quick to point out the bad in me, no one attempts to understand me and it’s frustrating. I don’t get upset for no reason. My mood doesn’t change for no reason. Instead of judging me and calling me crazy ask me “why?” . Why do I lash out at you? Most of us are so busy thinking everyone else is at fault that we don’t even acknowledge the part we had to play in it.

Lord help us.