Purpose.

Jeremiah 1:5. I don’t believe in coincidence.

I believe God orders our steps. (Proverbs 16:9)

I believe we are all appointed for the time we are needed most.

YOU ARE NOT AN ACCIDENT.

I remember walking around thinking that my life was meaningless.

I filled my days and nights up with meaningless

relationships /situationships, riding around looking for something to get into, hitting up bars, drinking all day so I can feel free and get out of my self.

Giving in to the flattery of men just because it was a distraction from myself.

I was running from myself because I didn’t know how to face myself. Too much pain. Too much confusion. Too many questions. I looked in every direction and still felt empty. The bottle finished but I was still empty. He promised to love me and take care of me , but instead he played me, I ran to the next but I still felt empty.

Somehow, in the middle of the chaos . In the middle of my pain. In the middle of my addiction. In the middle of my depression. In the middle of me hating the woman I had become , GOD STILL CHOSE ME. From my name to my purpose, IT ALL MAKES SENSE .

If you’re laying in bed right now overthinking and questioning your worth, GOD IS NOT DONE WITH YOU! It may not make sense now, you may not understand why you’re going through what you are going through but I promise you, that if you just hold on and seek his face , HE WILL CARRY YOU THROUGH! ✝️

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Dating as a grown up.

Ahhh dating. The beauty of meeting new people. Opening up yourself to being super shallow and swiping on tinder based on looks alone and bios that tell you nothing about who this person really is. Dating has always been fun to me but in a dysfunctional way.

Serial dating to me can become very addicting , time-consuming and if you aren’t careful , people can become objects real quick.

I was always a serial dater. If I dumped someone or if they dumped me , I moved on to the next with no hesitation. Jumping into the arms of the next man thinking that he would be the one to fix me. Hoping he will be the one to love me back to life. Hoping he would treat me different. But, every single time, I chose out of a clouded mind. A mind that was driven by the high of the unexpected.

And every single time, I still felt alone. I hid myself behind the bottle. I’m laughing , I’m having fun, I’m having sex , this is FUN. Meanwhile , I was dying inside. Praying for someone to love me even though I was a hot mess.

I soon realized it was time to chill. It was time to get my whole life together. It was time to face it all and heal. A never-ending process that can sometimes make you want to go back to being a savage. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to care. Ohhhh.. but I do.

See, when you heal you can’t go back. It’s almost impossible to be the person you used to be. You know better. You grew up. You started to love you. You put in tears , endless talks and prayers. You put in the work to get to where you are . Why go back?

It’s not worth it.

What does this have to do with dating? A lot. When you heal, dating gets a tad bit harder. Why? You realize real quick how most people are hiding behind great careers , trips and happy hours. You realize that almost everyone is putting up a front online. You realize that behind those lavish trips and great Instagram pictures, these men are hurting.

I was always the woman who thought a man could change as long as I loved him enough. I made excuses for poor behavior and outbursts. I made excuses for him not being able to love me and show up as the man I needed him to be.

Healing puts an end to your low self-esteem. Healing shows you that a man is not supposed to be a project . Healing gives you your power back. Healing shows you that you don’t have to beg anyone to love you the way God created you to be loved. When you heal , you are a lot less tolerant to the things you used to put up with when you were full of insecurities and low self worth.

So where does that leave the woman who’s working on her recovery? The woman that is whole again? The woman that’s healed and ready to take over the world? That puts the ball in your court. It gives you the confidence to know who you are and what you know you deserve. You no longer settle just to have someone in your bed. You no longer make excuses for the unacceptable. You have standards. You respect yourself. You have boundaries. Most importantly, you continue to win.

You walk with grace and love. You pick up the next woman. You continue to grow. You go on dates. You meet people. You travel. You work on your career. You fix your credit. You pay off debt. You achieve goals. You live life on your terms. When you meet the one for you , you will know. It won’t be exhausting. It will be a love you’ve never experienced.

Be patient my friend. We all want to love and be loved. Don’t settle in the one area that matters the most in our human existence, LOVE.

God, purge me.

You can’t grow in pride .

Pride makes you feel like you know it all.

If you know it all, you don’t need God.

God literally works everything out for our good.

Even in pride he reveals to us that we in fact, Don’t know it all.

In our dry place he reveals to us that he is indeed the only one that can fill us until we overflow.

In our dark moments Gods power is revealed.

We can get so sidetracked . Being holier than thou. Forgetting what it’s all about. Forgetting how you first felt when you came to Christ . The joy, the freedom, the peace, the love , the overflow of grace. Soon after that comes a process.

A process of healing. A process of growing. A process of stepping out on faith. A process of going through pride , loneliness, fear , and shame.

God’s power works best in weakness . It is when we our weak that he reveals to us who he really is. In our weakness he covers us. In our weakness he graces us. In our weakness he forgives us . In our weakness he heals us.

We must be real with ourselves. We will never know it all. Lord , help us to stay humble. Reveal your nature to us. Fill us with your love , peace, mercy and forgiveness. Let your will be done in our lives. Replace our desires with yours. Change us. Have your way. You’re worthy. We give you glory.

The process is where we learn . The process is where we grow. The process is where we our tested. The process is where God sees if he can trust us or not. Even the process can be used for his glory. The highs and the lows. Nothing is ever wasted .

Romans 8:28

Feb. 22. 2014

 

 

Who knew that this exact day, 5 years ago, God was starting to work in my heart. I remember crying my eyes out. I was living with 4 other people in a house. We were all in our mid 20s. We all loved to drink. All I remember is that I felt empty. I was tired of doing the same exact thing every day. I was tired of  being broke. I was dead inside.

I was sober for 10 months. I made it that long and I convinced myself that I just needed a break from alcohol. I met my ex and he was an alcoholic as well. I didn’t look at it like we had a drinking problem. We just enjoyed drinking. Nothing wrong with that, right? wrong. 

We all know how if you aren’t careful and self-aware, you can end up drinking your life away. I thought I had it all figured out. He was a “good” man, I thought. I’m reaching 30, this is definitely it.

wrong again. 

The first 4 months were great. Downhill after that. We were on and off. He kept dumping me and I kept taking him back. It was an emotional rollercoaster. One day we were good, the next day we weren’t. I kept praying for God to change him. God I know you want me to be happy, so I know you will change him. Deep within I knew I had to leave. I didn’t. I kept praying for him. Why wouldn’t God change him? he can do anything. Back then I didn’t know God the way I know him now. But of course, God used that situation to lead me back to him.

I was a mess. Hurt. betrayed. full of pain. I felt so unworthy. I was always drunk. I felt so much shame for letting a man get in the way of my sobriety. I gained 50 lbs in 6 months.  Me and my best friend fell out. Everyone was hurting me . Everyone made me feel like I was the one that was over reacting. It was the weirdest thing I have ever experienced. I would cry out to God and ask him why this is happening to me. Why are the people I love hurting me God? Why does no one want me? What is wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you. I want to use you but I need you to get rid of all your baggage. It’s going to hurt. But, I need you to trust me. I need you to trust my plan for your life. I know what Is best for you. Come to me , I will heal you.

November 25, 2016… I said Yes to God completely and no to alcohol. 819 days sober. redeemed. Healed. Set free. He is still writing my story.

who the son sets free is free indeed. John 8:36

trust him.

love.

 

Beginnings are always good. New joy. New butterflies. New adventures. New jokes. New traditions. New experiences. Most importantly, new love.

Loving your neighbor is a blessing. Having a partner in your life that can love you is also a blessing. When I think about the relationship I desire to have one day, I can’t wait. I can’t wait to share new experiences. I can’t wait to experience love at this level of growth. A healthy love. A love I’ve never experienced.

I can be sad. I can get impatient. I can get frustrated. But, I don’t feel any of that. I’m not a broken woman anymore. I have loved. I know my worth. I know what I want.

I often think about where he is right now. Where is the man who I will spend the rest of my life with? Where is the one that will show me a love that I have never experienced before. Where is he? I don’t know , but, God does.

If for whatever reason I don’t love again or it just happens to take a little longer than I’ve expected, I know that I have loved. It might have been broken, dysfunctional , and not one relationship may have lasted more than 2 years, but… I loved. I laughed until my stomach hurt. I learned. I cried. I grew. I had someone care about me. I had someone willing. I experienced love with someone who was trying to figure out life just like me. We hurt each other in the midst of it all. But, we were both humans seeking the same thing, LOVE. The one thing we were both seeking was the one thing we could not give. what a sad and beautiful story.

I look at love different ever since I’ve grown as a woman. I’m not mad anymore. How can I be mad at someone who didn’t know how to love when I didn’t either? Lives led by addiction and lusts. We did the best we could. In a world that constantly tells you to be in a relationship, they don’t tell you everything that comes with it, especially if you have emotional, mental, and spiritual baggage.  Love is the most beautiful thing in the world. After all, Love is what saved the world.

It’s so easy to walk away. It’s so easy to break it off. It’s so easy to get into a new one. But, one thing that I can say is that if you have a willing partner, don’t give up on love. Unless its super toxic, dysfunctional and broken, breathe life into it. Love heals. Love restores. Love grows.

It’s better to have loved than to not love at all. Love makes the world go round. It’s the one thing that connects all of human kind. Love is the one thing we all want. Love hard. Out do one another in love. Serve one another. Be a team. Work together. Grow together.

Know your worth. Respect yourself. LoVe God. Love yourself. Love others.

Every story doesn’t end the same.

BUT..

Every story matters.

 

Who knew.

Who knew that loving yourself would be so hard.

Who knew that loving yourself would come with tears , frustrations and pain.

Who knew that loving yourself wasn’t something you automatically came into the world with.

Who knew that life has a way of punching you in your chest and taking the breath out of you.

Who knew that after you shed a puddle of tears you would have to get up , wipe your eyes and keep fighting.

Who knew life would have so many challenges.

Who knew that it would be this hard.

Who knew that relationships between parents and children wouldn’t be loving , caring , and genuine.

Who knew that addiction would kill some people too early.

Who knew that love isn’t that easy to attain.

Who knew that you would one day have to love yourself back to life.

Who knew that life would get us so low that we have no choice but to depend on God to get us through.

Who knew that after all the tears and pain, you still had purpose.

Who knew all things would work out .

Who knew that regardless of how it may seem , it always gets better.

No one knows. We are all figuring it out. Be patient . Love God. Love you. Grow in the process.

Life is a rollercoaster . A rollercoaster with highs and lows . A rollercoaster that teaches you life lessons. A rollercoaster that never stops. You just keep learning . You keep growinG. You keep forgiving. You keep loving . You just never give up.