love.

 

Beginnings are always good. New joy. New butterflies. New adventures. New jokes. New traditions. New experiences. Most importantly, new love.

Loving your neighbor is a blessing. Having a partner in your life that can love you is also a blessing. When I think about the relationship I desire to have one day, I can’t wait. I can’t wait to share new experiences. I can’t wait to experience love at this level of growth. A healthy love. A love I’ve never experienced.

I can be sad. I can get impatient. I can get frustrated. But, I don’t feel any of that. I’m not a broken woman anymore. I have loved. I know my worth. I know what I want.

I often think about where he is right now. Where is the man who I will spend the rest of my life with? Where is the one that will show me a love that I have never experienced before. Where is he? I don’t know , but, God does.

If for whatever reason I don’t love again or it just happens to take a little longer than I’ve expected, I know that I have loved. It might have been broken, dysfunctional , and not one relationship may have lasted more than 2 years, but… I loved. I laughed until my stomach hurt. I learned. I cried. I grew. I had someone care about me. I had someone willing. I experienced love with someone who was trying to figure out life just like me. We hurt each other in the midst of it all. But, we were both humans seeking the same thing, LOVE. The one thing we were both seeking was the one thing we could not give. what a sad and beautiful story.

I look at love different ever since I’ve grown as a woman. I’m not mad anymore. How can I be mad at someone who didn’t know how to love when I didn’t either? Lives led by addiction and lusts. We did the best we could. In a world that constantly tells you to be in a relationship, they don’t tell you everything that comes with it, especially if you have emotional, mental, and spiritual baggage.  Love is the most beautiful thing in the world. After all, Love is what saved the world.

It’s so easy to walk away. It’s so easy to break it off. It’s so easy to get into a new one. But, one thing that I can say is that if you have a willing partner, don’t give up on love. Unless its super toxic, dysfunctional and broken, breathe life into it. Love heals. Love restores. Love grows.

It’s better to have loved than to not love at all. Love makes the world go round. It’s the one thing that connects all of human kind. Love is the one thing we all want. Love hard. Out do one another in love. Serve one another. Be a team. Work together. Grow together.

Know your worth. Respect yourself. LoVe God. Love yourself. Love others.

Every story doesn’t end the same.

BUT..

Every story matters.

 

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Who knew.

Who knew that loving yourself would be so hard.

Who knew that loving yourself would come with tears , frustrations and pain.

Who knew that loving yourself wasn’t something you automatically came into the world with.

Who knew that life has a way of punching you in your chest and taking the breath out of you.

Who knew that after you shed a puddle of tears you would have to get up , wipe your eyes and keep fighting.

Who knew life would have so many challenges.

Who knew that it would be this hard.

Who knew that relationships between parents and children wouldn’t be loving , caring , and genuine.

Who knew that addiction would kill some people too early.

Who knew that love isn’t that easy to attain.

Who knew that you would one day have to love yourself back to life.

Who knew that life would get us so low that we have no choice but to depend on God to get us through.

Who knew that after all the tears and pain, you still had purpose.

Who knew all things would work out .

Who knew that regardless of how it may seem , it always gets better.

No one knows. We are all figuring it out. Be patient . Love God. Love you. Grow in the process.

Life is a rollercoaster . A rollercoaster with highs and lows . A rollercoaster that teaches you life lessons. A rollercoaster that never stops. You just keep learning . You keep growinG. You keep forgiving. You keep loving . You just never give up.

Relationship with self.

I believe one of the best relationships anyone can have is with themselves.

You should love you.

You should love yourself enough to set boundaries.

You should love yourself enough to say no.

You should love yourself enough to not have sex with anyone that doesn’t respect you.

You should love the woman God created you to be.

You should love your imperfections.

You should love everything about you.

We are all different. We all have flaws . Who cares.

One of the hardest things to be is ourselves. This world is constantly telling us who to be and what to do to be relevant. If you aren’t careful you can lose yourself QUICK.

Make time for yourself.

Have quiet time.

Take yourself on dates.

Pray.

Spend time with God .

Just you and the creator.

Vent.

Pray for others.

Give thanks.

Life is beautiful when we change our focus. Depression comes from what we don’t see. Depression comes when we don’t find ourselves worthy. Depression comes when other peoples words speak louder than Gods word. Depression has no power. You will live and not die. You will overcome. You will believe you are amazing and worthy of greatness.

We somehow believe that one day we wake up and everything is great. That’s not how it works.

Every day you wake up and do your best. Every day you keep going.

Every day you refuse to give up.

Every day you tell yourself that you will move that mountain in front of you.

Every day you will give yourself that Pep talk instead of giving up.

Until one day, the storm has passed. Your smiling again. You have peace. The pain is a little less. You’re a little more confident. You start believing in you. And that’s when you realize , all things worked out for my good. 💜

Don’t give up.

As I sit here at my desk, on my laptop, listening to worship music, I can’t help but think….

My life has truly changed.

I never thought that I would have so much peace.

After getting sober in 2016 , my cousin passed away last year. I got hurt by “church” folks. I was depressed for the second half of the year. As much as I tried to get peace and joy , it was far from me.

I didn’t know what was going on. I was praying . I was going to church. I wanted to be happy. Where are you God? What’s going on? Why am I getting hurt by people, again?

I never stopped seeking God.

He restored me. I had to sit still. I had to stop trying so hard and just seek him in my vulnerability. I had to take a step back , see what God wanted me to do and not what Cristal wanted to do.

Often times, when things are going well , we seek God less. It’s almost like we think we don’t need God because life is good. I started this year seeking God and letting go of people that were not beneficial to my growth. Was it hard? Yes. But, my relationship with Christ is #1.

I know I have purpose. I know I have work to do for the kingdom. I know I can’t be distracted. I know that the friends that God has for me will push me towards greatness, not hold me back.

Sometimes you just have to sit still and think about how far God has brought you. I’m a different woman than I was in 2016. I just broke down in tears because I have PEACE. If God never gives me anything else, I will be okay with his PEACE. In this world, nothing matters to me more than my peace.

I’ve suffered. Alcoholism. Rape. Rejection. Abandonment. Heart break after break . Betrayals. Looking for a way out of darkness in everything but GOD. Looking for peace in a bottle and never found it. I looked for peace in a man and never found it. Filled up my life with friends and hangouts , still no peace. Peace can’t be found in anything but the creator of the universe. The creator of our souls. The one who breathed life into our nostrils. That’s where the peace is.

Everything starts to make sense. You now have purpose. You know you aren’t a mistake. Romans 8:28 makes so much sense now .

If you are going through a dark time, please don’t lose hope. Speak life and not death. Even if you don’t see a way out, speak the opposite. If you keep saying things won’t get better , they won’t. What you are going through right now is only temporary…

I promise. 💜🙏

Forgive yourself.

We often talk about forgiving the ones that hurt us.

But, what about forgiving ourselves?

Forgiving ourselves for not making the best decisions.

Forgiving ourselves for getting into a bad relationship.

Forgiving ourselves for not losing the weight we said we were going to lose.

Forgiving ourselves for not finishing school.

Forgiving ourselves for making mistakes .

Forgiving ourselves for failing.

Forgiving ourselves for being HUMAN.

We all make mistakes . We all go through it.

Check out my latest YouTube video about forgiving yourself .

FORGIVE YOURSELF VIDEO!

Let this be the last year you beat yourself up for not being perfect. Let this be the last year you throw pity parties. Let 2019 be the year you rise up into the person God called you to be.

God bless and happy new year 🎆 🎊

Another Childless Christmas.

Another Christmas. No baby. No husband .

One of the hardest times for me is always around Christmas. It never really hits me until the holidays. It never really hits me how bad I want to be a mother until now.

Yeah, I think about it through out the year and most times, I’m excited, and I say things like,

“I can’t wait to be a mom!”

Deep down within me I know I’m going to be a mom. But when? When is it going to be my turn?

I always want to be excited for new mothers and new wives , but, I would be lying if I said that I didn’t ask God questions. Questions like…

When is it going to be my turn?

Isn’t your will for me to have kids?

Don’t you want me to be married?

Don’t you want me to have a family?

Why is it taking so long?

I don’t know if I can wait any longer.

This hurts, God.

Times like this is when my faith gets tested. I desire to see my baby’s face in the morning on Christmas Day. I desire to sit in the living room with my family wearing matching pajamas and watching Christmas movies. I desire to have a family. i desire to bake cookies and go see Christmas lights. I desire the joy that comes from having my own family.

Yes, I’m not alone. I have family. But , having your own family is different. Your husband , your kids, your home, your traditions , your vacations, your dinners, everything is immersed with the family you built with your husband.

I always seem to get impatient around this time. I never thought that I would be 31 and STILL not have any children. It scares me sometimes like what if I don’t? What if it’s too late? What if I never meet the one? What if it doesn’t happen? What if I can’t get pregnant? what if my PCOS really doesn’t allow me to?

Can I live with that? I’m sure I’ll live, but, a part of me might always feel empty. Like the scriptures says …. a barren womb is never satisfied.

Lord, help me understand.

Give us peace this holiday season. 💜