Rest.

When was the last time you slept in? When was the last time you turned your phone off ? When was the last time you got rid of every distraction and enjoyed some alone time? When was the last time you got some well needed rest?

We live in a time when everything is moving at full speed. We always have something to do. We are always logged on. We are always texting. We are always working. We barely ever take time to rest. Society tells us to grind. We literally work ourselves to death in America. So many people are sick and on medication. Obesity rates are sky high. Depression is high. Anxiety is high. Everyone is lonely. No one is happy. Life is a beautiful gift. Why are we all so damn miserable?

If we listen to what society’s standard for our lives should be, we will never enjoy our existence on this earth. We have so much pressure to do something and to be something . If I don’t have any titles ,401k plans , fancy degrees and a house with a white picket fence I’m somehow losing in life. What if people just want to be peaceful and happy? What If I don’t want to work 50-60 hours a week to afford a house I can’t even enjoy? What if I value time with my loved ones instead of always working? What if I care about my sanity more than my bank account?

I’m tired of people placing expectations on my life. I don’t want to say that money doesn’t matter because it does, but , I know what it’s like to want to die. When you hit rock bottom you look at life totally different. I don’t mind working because I enjoy my job , but, I know I won’t be there forever. As I’m getting my life in order I know that I will be going into business. I will be doing things that I truly enjoy so I can make a difference in this world. That’s why I’m alive, to make a difference. To inspire others. Some of us are so used to living life in pain and misery that we are numb to it. We don’t even realize we are dying inside.

I’ve decided to get off social media for a bit. I don’t know how long it will be but it’ll be for some time. I need as less distractions as possible. I need to focus on the things that matter. I need to grow. I need to stop wasting time scrolling. I need to rest and live productively. I want to live life on my terms with no additional pressure. I know where God has me and I know where I’m going. Life is beautiful when you see the beauty in it. Sometimes you have to slow down to see that beauty. Life is a gift that most of us won’t see as a gift until it’s too late. Take care of you. Prioritize. You matter . Your health matters. It’s okay to rest. It’s okay to enjoy life.

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You were born to create.

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The most beautiful thing about life is that you can start over when ever you want. I used to beat myself up because I thought I was supposed to have everything figured out by a certain age. After my last relationship failed, losing friendships,  and getting sober AGAIN, the only thing I could ask myself as a 30-year-old woman was,

HOW IN THE WORLD DID I GET HERE?

In the midst of all the pain and chaos I had no idea what was going on. Depression consumed me and my mind held me captive. I had enough. It was time to face all the pain and trauma head on. I don’t think you can ever be ready to face the ugly truths, don’t think about it , just do it. I knew if I wanted change I would have to do something different. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I knew deep down within me that there was more to life than the life that I was living. Even though I only knew and experienced pain, deep down I also knew life had another side that was worth living. That’s what kept me going.

You can’t create something new on top of the old. In order to start new you have to get rid of everything that brought you to this point. Starting new with baggage is risky. When you don’t deal with your painful experiences, they will reveal themselves in one form or another. In order for me to recreate my life I had to forgive and let go. I had to talk about the most painful experiences I have ever dealt with. I had to talk about why I drank so much. I had to talk about why I used sex as a form of validation. I had to talk about feeling unworthy and unloved. I had to get real with myself. It wasn’t about everyone that hurt me , it was about me. The fact is that as long as you live on this earth you will get hurt again. What makes the difference is how you react to it.

I made the choice to start. That’s the only choice you have to make. Choose to start somewhere. It can get ugly, but oh my goodness it’s  so worth it. Nothing has freed me more than walking in my truth. Yes, I have a messy past! but, who cares! We all have a past. If you happen to not have a messy past , praise God. I thank God every day for giving me the strength to put the bottle down. That was my first step. Then came the healing process that took more than a year. Now, I’m ready to recreate. I’m ready to step out on faith and walk into everything that God has for me.

I’m ready to paint my own canvas. I’m ready to build the life I want.

With God on my side… nothing is impossible. 

 

Life is hard.

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I have at least one breakdown every 2 weeks. I’ve come a long way! I used to cry almost every single day. Now, I just cry because LIFE IS HARD and I need to give myself room to just feel. I’m very good at overwhelming myself by wanting to do everything at once. I’ve always been an all in or all out type of woman, so finding balance can be hard at times. I know what I want and I want to do it now, but, I know I have to relax and just take on one task at a time.

I love the woman I’m becoming and sometimes I just want to scream. Life is awesome, but if I’m being honest sometimes it gets tough. I have to fight every day to not be lazy. I have to force myself to do things that I’m not used to doing . If I don’t force myself I will never get to where I want to go. Success is defined differently for each person. Success to me means doing what I love, helping others in the process and living life in peace. Nothing is as important to me as my peace. If you don’t have peace, you have nothing.

Life is hard for me because I never worked hard for anything.  I always kept a job but that didn’t make me a hard worker. I wasn’t disciplined. I wasn’t a Proverbs 31 woman. I’m learning now how to take care of myself. I’m learning to forgive myself when I mess up. I’m working on being consistent. I’m working on not being lazy. So, the other day I had a breakdown because I was overwhelmed. I want to succeed so bad that it can be unhealthy at times. It becomes unhealthy when you don’t give yourself grace. I’m not a robot, I’m human. It’s okay to mess up.

While I was in prayer the other day, the Lord said, ” Cristal, there’s nothing wrong with you wanting to succeed. But, the only reason you want to succeed is to make people proud of you and to prove a point.” When I tell you I cried like a baby instantly, I CRIED!  That truth hit me like a ton of bricks. Because no one ever celebrated or spoke life over me, I deal with insecurities.

But, the word of God says, I AM THE HEAD AND NOT THE TAIL. YES, LIFE IS HARD. But, everything God is calling you to do you can do. I’m learning to walk by faith and not by sight. I’m learning that I’m still AMAZING regardless of what anyone has said to me or about me. I’m still a child of God. I am not defined by my past. I don’t want success based on the worldly view of success. I want success in the depth of my soul. I want to wake up smiling and go to bed with an overwhelming sense of peace. THAT IS SUCCESS.

I will never be perfect. Life is a journey that I am falling in love with every single day. So, if you are anything like me and you feel overwhelmed, just cry . Let the tears come down. you don’t have to be strong 24/7, allow yourself to feel, that’s the beauty of life. Feel, cry, get upset , BUT GET BACK UP, WASH YOUR FACE, DUST YOUR SHOULDERS OFF AND GET BACK TO IT!

I’ve come a long way from falling asleep drunk and thinking about suicide.

Thank you Lord.

Exodus 14:14 – THE LORD HIMSELF WILL FIGHT FOR YOU. JUST STAY CALM .

SMILE AND ENJOY THIS PRECIOUS GIFT OF LIFE.

 

Perfect peace.

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How can you have a bad day and have perfect peace? How can you not know where you are going in life but have peace? How can you cry and still feel peace? How can so many things go wrong and you still feel peace?

This was me today. Today, just wasn’t a good day. I cried today. I questioned God. And, I asked the question that many others around the world also ask, “why me?”. Today , I felt lost. I was feeling like I should be a lot further in life. I feel like I haven’t accomplished a thing. To be honest, I played the victim today.

My life isn’t bad at all, but, for some reason today it felt bad. I think about the days when I will have my own little family and I smile. I know I can’t focus on this one part of my life. I have to focus on the now. I have to focus on growing as a woman. I have to focus on being my best self, right now. I can’t let life pass me by. I can’t sit here and cry about the fact that I don’t have a husband and kids.

I had a moment today. I think these moments are good. It’s good to cry it out. It’s good to express how you feel. It’s good to just have a moment. The key is to get back up. Have your moment, wash your face, and , continue to go after everything God has for you.

I’m sitting here , sipping on my hot chocolate, relaxing. Reflecting on the day. There was a huge accident on a highway by my house this morning. The same highway my mom takes to work every morning. 4 fatalities.

I’m wrapping gifts and listening to Christmas music. I hear someone banging on my door, my next door neighbor passed away. Here I am, thinking I’m having a bad day. This will be the year that changed Christmas forever, for a few families.

My perspective changed. I have the gift of life. 5 people lost their lives this morning. They woke up this morning , not knowing it was going to be their last day on this earth. Wow. Things can change so fast. This brought me to a place where I had to sit still. Sit still and thank God. Sit still and be grateful. Sit still and enjoy what I do have. Sit still and figure out ways to brighten up someone else’s holiday. Sit still and just enjoy this moment. Sit still and trust that everything will be worked out for my good. Sit still and enjoy perfect peace.

Mind. Body. Soul.

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Life is a constant journey. We are always trying to figure life out. The reality of it is that, I don’t think we will ever have all the answers. Is life complicated or do we make it complicated? Is it really hard to be happy in this world?  Life is a journey that can sometimes get the best of you, motivation and inspirational quotes can only go but so far.  It all comes down to us putting the work in.

When I first got sober I knew my life had to change. I knew friends had to go and habits had to change. If nothing changed, my life was not going to change. I had a choice to make. Am I going to give up or am I going to take up this challenge to better myself. I have a choice to make, every single day. You will never get to a point where life is a breeze and you never have choices to make. Every day you make tons of decisions. Every day I choose sobriety. Every day I choose to not go back to my old life. Every day I choose to not go back to an ex boy toy. Every day I choose LIFE over death.

My soul was wrecked. We all have a soul. Our soul craves love. Our soul craves so much more than what earthly things can give us. I was empty inside. I thought getting into relationships would fix that. I thought sex would fix that. I thought getting drunk would fix that. I thought going on vacations would fix that. IT DOES NOT FIX IT. I kept looking for things to feel whole and nothing worked. Our souls are meant to be filled with the one that knows us, the one that created us, God. I have never been this peaceful. I still struggle with being overweight but I know that step is coming. I get lonely. I don’t feel loved at times. But, I am at peace. I am at peace because I know God has a plan for me. I know that this is temporary. I know that God is still working in me. I know that he is preparing me for the next season in my life. When your mind is a wreck you will never be at peace. God has shown me that we are spiritual beings. When you don’t have a spiritual life, something will always be missing.

My mind has been transforming since I started on my spiritual journey. I used to be very ignorant. I had so much hate and anger in my heart. I thought this was it. This is life, you just deal with it. That’s  a lie. You don’t have to live like that. You don’t have to live depressed, sad, or angry. You have a choice. You have a choice to retrain your mind. You have a choice to forgive. You have a choice to choose peace and freedom, all you have to do is reach for it. You cannot have a new life without a new mindset. You cannot have better relationships without a new mindset. The way you think has a lot to do with the choices you make and what you choose to deal with in your every day life. (Romans 12:2)

Every day I have to work on my mind and soul. How do I do that? I pray, every day. I spend time with God every day. I listen to worship music.  The music in this world has a lot of negativity in it. Most of it has to do with sex, lust, drugs, alcohol, and, money. Whatever you feed will grow, remember that. Listen to positive music, watch positive shows, listen to sermons, read devotions/Bible. Stay away from anything that alters your mood in a negative way. That’s the simplest way to put it.

A healthy soul leads to a healthy mind. A healthy mind leads to a healthy body. Your body is what you have to walk around with every single day. I was looking at myself in the mirror today and I didn’t like what I see. I know I’m beautiful and I’m made in God’s image but realistically I need to be in shape. I need to be healthy. I need to take better care of myself.  For the past 5 months I have been working on my soul and mind. I have been healing, forgiving, and letting go. This is a process. Every day is a process.  I will continue to work on the mind and soul along with sculpting my body. Our bodies are important. I can’t encourage others and make a real impact on others if I am not physically capable to.  It’s something that weighs heavy on my heart. I have to live out what I preach. The transformation of my life is very important to me. It is giving me a new life. With a new life, I can pour into others. Always remember, you cannot pour on to others what you do not have in your own cup.

I pray for you all. We are all in this journey together, I pray we all find our way, one day at a time. Remember, God loves you. You are made in his image and he causes everything to work together for our good. Keep pushing. Keep striving, and, as hard as it may get, NEVER EVER GIVE UP.

 

 

 

Family issues. 

I just want to get drunk. Tonight is one of those nights where having a few drinks to just forget about everything would be AMAZING! My day started off so great! I went to 2 church services. I prayed , I worshiped and I was just so grateful.

That didn’t last long.

Of course, holidays call for family time! Now that I am sober, people are a lot less tolerable 😩😩😩.  I wish people could really understand me . I feel so misunderstood in my family . No one has ever admitted to being broken, depressed, or addicted to anything. In my family everybody is great and life is amazing. I just want to know what life they are living because I want parts. Growing up Hispanic everything is very old school I guess . If you show emotions or get hurt by a comment , you’re soft and need to toughen up. It’s like I’m wrong for having feelings. If they have a heart of steel I just want to know why I don’t have it .

I’m the one that’s always over reacting . I’m the one that gets annoyed very fast. That’s true. People , especially family , can say the craziest things. Family members have this habit of treating you however they want because they’re family. Certain spouses are very loose at the mouth with their comments and I be ready to fight. (Lord forgive me) 😩😂 no, but seriously, I just leave . I leave because I know that if I say something , it’s not going to turn out nice.  I love my family , but, I can’t stand them without alcohol in my system. Is that bad? I notice that my tolerance for people is very low right now. Maybe, as the time passes I’ll get better?

Another thing. Most of my cousins already have kids. I don’t. Most of the conversations have to do with family, kids, work , blah blah blah. I’m so not interested. I feel left out. And if i say something , I need to stop being a b*tch because Im out numbered and everyone has kids so I have to deal with it. I really don’t want to.

It’s a personal issue and I don’t think no one is sensitive towards me or my feelings at all in my family. It’s so annoying. I can’t stand it . So I rather just not go around them. Being a follower of Christ I struggle with this because I feel like I should love everybody. And please everybody.  I mean , I do love them. I just don’t want to be around them as much.

I want kids. I want a husband. I want to do a lot of things in life . I just hate when people comment on things not realizing how sensitive certain topics are. I’m just tired. Tired of going out of my way for others. Tired of having to tolerate certain people. Just tired of worrying about everyone but myself. I feel guilty for putting myself first, but, that’s about to change. I have to do it for me, for my sanity.

My family is really good at calling people fat with no care what so ever. It is so rude and I’m just like , ” whatever happened to if you have nothing nice to say don’t say it all?”. That must of got lost somewhere because I don’t think it was in the Hispanic handbook. I’m just over it. I’m over people . I hate having to deal with things because I Have to. I don’t have to do anything actually.

I’m dealing with healing from the past and sobriety. It’s hard. I don’t think anyone gets that and it bothers me. No one in my family gets it. No one ever asks me how I’m doing. Sometimes, I would like someone to just ask me how I’m doing. Just once ! Yes, I trust and put all my faith in Christ, BUT… sometimes I would love for people to show that they care. I would love for people to be selfless and compassionate, to show some type of gesture that they actually care. This family doesn’t have that. I feel like I’m just on my own right now. I feel so misunderstood.

I have to keep trusting God and keep putting one foot in front of the other. That’s all I can do. One thing I won’t do is go back to that bottle. I am recovering. I am healing. God is doing something in me and it’s making me stronger. I will not give up. ✝️🙌