Feb. 22. 2014

 

 

Who knew that this exact day, 5 years ago, God was starting to work in my heart. I remember crying my eyes out. I was living with 4 other people in a house. We were all in our mid 20s. We all loved to drink. All I remember is that I felt empty. I was tired of doing the same exact thing every day. I was tired of  being broke. I was dead inside.

I was sober for 10 months. I made it that long and I convinced myself that I just needed a break from alcohol. I met my ex and he was an alcoholic as well. I didn’t look at it like we had a drinking problem. We just enjoyed drinking. Nothing wrong with that, right? wrong. 

We all know how if you aren’t careful and self-aware, you can end up drinking your life away. I thought I had it all figured out. He was a “good” man, I thought. I’m reaching 30, this is definitely it.

wrong again. 

The first 4 months were great. Downhill after that. We were on and off. He kept dumping me and I kept taking him back. It was an emotional rollercoaster. One day we were good, the next day we weren’t. I kept praying for God to change him. God I know you want me to be happy, so I know you will change him. Deep within I knew I had to leave. I didn’t. I kept praying for him. Why wouldn’t God change him? he can do anything. Back then I didn’t know God the way I know him now. But of course, God used that situation to lead me back to him.

I was a mess. Hurt. betrayed. full of pain. I felt so unworthy. I was always drunk. I felt so much shame for letting a man get in the way of my sobriety. I gained 50 lbs in 6 months.  Me and my best friend fell out. Everyone was hurting me . Everyone made me feel like I was the one that was over reacting. It was the weirdest thing I have ever experienced. I would cry out to God and ask him why this is happening to me. Why are the people I love hurting me God? Why does no one want me? What is wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you. I want to use you but I need you to get rid of all your baggage. It’s going to hurt. But, I need you to trust me. I need you to trust my plan for your life. I know what Is best for you. Come to me , I will heal you.

November 25, 2016… I said Yes to God completely and no to alcohol. 819 days sober. redeemed. Healed. Set free. He is still writing my story.

who the son sets free is free indeed. John 8:36

trust him.

Why is food so addicting?

I woke up this morning in tears.

I’m tired of losing and gaining.

I’m tired of failing over and over .

I’m tired of losing a couple of lbs and then binging.

I’m tired of not having control over food.

It’s FOOD!! Not drugs. Not alcohol. Not sex .

BUT FOOD.

They tell me to just stop eating junk and work out.

They make it sound so easy.

The acts themselves are easy. But, you know what’s easier?

Not being disciplined.

Eating whatever you want because it’s been a bad day.

Making excuses for indulging in sweets because at least it’s not ALCOHOL.

Addiction sucks. The same behaviors that drive alcohol and drug addiction are the same behaviors that drive food addiction.

I never wanted to accept it. I never wanted to accept that I have a food problem. I was in denial.

After all, i deserve this treat!

I deserve to go out with my friends.

I deserve to have that soda.

I deserve to bake myself a cake.

I deserve it.

You know what I also deserve?

I deserve to be healthy.

I deserve to take care of my body.

I deserve to stop running.

I deserve to have a better life.

I don’t have to live like this.

I don’t have to keep going back and forth.

I don’t have to keep failing .

I don’t have to keep telling myself ” just one more time “

Why can’t I use the same energy that I used to beat alcohol addiction to beat food addiction?

I can and I will.

I know I can do this.

It’s about changing my mindset.

I want to live long.

I want to run without anything hurting.

I’m tired of being out of breath.

I’m tired of my feet hurting.

I’m tired of my hair falling out.

I’m tired.

I never wanted to accept that I might actually REALLY have an addiction problem. But .. I do.

Its time to stop running.

It’s time to be real.

It’s time to change for good.

It’s time to face my emotions.

It’s time to do the work.

After all, if I don’t do it, I will spend the rest of my life complaining about something that I can change.

I CAN CHANGE THIS.

I WILL CHANGE THIS.

I don’t care how many tears I cry, I will conquer this battle .

The same God that set me free from alcohol is the same God that will set me free from food .

I AM WORTHY💕🙏

Celebrate yourself !

Today , I’m celebrating 2 years of sobriety and I’m beyond proud of myself. Through the ups and downs , I kept going. I knew giving up was not an option.

Today’s expectation: waking up to balloons and a cake, celebrating my 2 year milestone with loved ones.

Today’s reality: no one knew. No one acknowledged my milestone . No one said “congratulations” other than my social media ” friends” , only after I posted a picture with a long caption about my recovery and journey.

I went to church today and praised my tail off. God is so good. Even when I don’t see it or feel it , he’s working. My mom didn’t congratulate me today or celebrate , but, when I woke up she was listening to worship music. In that moment , I realized that God hears my prayers. In my seek, my mom is seeking Christ . She may not know how to love on me or celebrate me , but I know she wants more. I pray for heart and I pray God does a new thing with her and through her .

I can very well be upset. I can cry. I can be bitter. I can lash out in anger. I can throw a pity party. But, I can also celebrate myself. Be proud of myself . Give glory to God. I know that this little uncomfortable feeling of me not being celebrated today will pass. I know I’m worthy. I know I’m amazing. I know I’m blessed. I know God has plans to prosper me . I know ALL things will work out for my good. God is faithful.

I started the day off by going to church. The service was on UNFORGIVENESS. I couldn’t even hold grudges today if I wanted to. I see you God! I had to understand what it is to truly walk in forgiveness. To understand that people that have never been loved properly or celebrated cannot do it for me.

I had sushi with one of my church friends after church. We had a really great conversation and I was grateful for it. After that, we walked over to her friends boutique and I bought a pair of cute shoes for $20!! Today , was a good day.

Even though, I love big celebrations and I would’ve loved to be celebrated , I had a good day. A peaceful day. A day with the Lord. I wasn’t alone and for that I’m grateful. I’m thankful for the woman that had sushi with me today . She has no idea how much that meant to me. Maybe, I’ll tell her one day. She deserves to know that her presence was very much appreciated.

Celebrate yourself. Even if it’s a small accomplishment , celebrate it . Who cares if no one celebrates you, you deserve to celebrate you! You deserve to have peace. Trust God that he will send people in your life that will celebrate you without you having to ask. You are precious . You are a child of God. You are important . You are worthy.

Sometimes, it’s hard to really grasp that when you come from brokenness. God is too good to live a life in misery. I’m truly learning what it is to live a life of faith. It’s challenging at times. But, keep fighting the good fight . You Aren’t alone . 💜🙏

Celebrate you . Do something you’ve never done . Live life.

Addiction.

 

Some think that addiction ends when you stop using your drug of choice. If you ask me, addiction doesn’t really end. Most people that struggle with addiction started abusing drugs/alcohol way before they turned 25. 90% of addictions start in our teenage years. Our brains don’t finish developing until the age of 25. Which makes perfect sense as to why trauma plus addiction in our early stages of life can destroy a person’s life before it even begins. That’s scary.

I’m not a a doctor. I don’t know everything about how our brain works, but,  I know how addiction works. I know how hard it is to remain sober when alcohol is everywhere. I know how hard it is to deal with life sober. All I ever knew was alcohol. Facing reality and overcoming in a sober mind state is the most challenging thing I have had to do. Renewing my mind. Healing from past traumas. Letting go of the anger that consumes me because I feel like I wasted so much time being drunk instead of being productive. Mentally, it’s a battle.

I know that I can’t give up. As hard as it gets. As many tears as I shed. I know that I have to keep going. The pain of healing is sometimes unbearable, but, it has to be done. I know I won’t be here forever. I know I’m still learning to deal with my emotions and new pains. I know it is a process that I have to be patient with. Sometimes, I wish the healing process can just happen. I pray to God to just take it all away in an instant. I just want to be completely free from my past. I don’t want triggers. I don’t want for someone to say one thing and it brings me back to 10 years ago. Do you ever truly heal?

I know healing takes work. I have to be patient with myself. I have to keep working on me. In order for me to do God’s work and pour into others, I have to make sure I’m okay. I somehow thought that this process was going to be a quick one. I’m learning that you cannot rush the process. You can’t rush what God wants to teach you. You can’t rush the healing that God wants to do in you. It’s not a race.  Take your time.

We live in a world that does everything super fast. You need to do things now. The pressures of life alone will make you go crazy. I’m learning to not listen to everything I hear. I’m learning to take advice only from wise counsel. I’m learning to go to God instead of venting to everybody. I’m learning that it’s okay to be upset , just don’t take it out on others. It’s all a process. It’s a battle within that I know I will conquer in time. I’m honestly tired of the mood swings. I’m tired of the unstable emotions. This is one area that I know I have to work in. I have to start incorporating healthy habits into my life. I know what I have to do, I just have to do it.

Addiction is a battle. Healing is a battle. Don’t beat yourself up. Give yourself grace. Give glory to God for keeping you sober. If you are still struggling, it’s okay. Keep believing that one day you will be free. Your identity is not defined in your mess ups. God has a way of making our mess a message. Appreciate the process and truly believe in your heart that you are an overcomer.

God is faithful.

1 Corinthians 10:13

No temptation [regardless of its source] has overtaken or enticed you that is not common to human experience [nor is any temptation unusual or beyond human resistance]; but God is faithful [to His word–He is compassionate and trustworthy], and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability [to resist], but along with the temptation He [has in the past and is now and] will [always] provide the way out as well, so that you will be able to endure it [without yielding, and will overcome temptation with joy].

Death in recovery .

I haven’t had urges to drink this bad since my first year in recovery. I’ve had a good 6-8 months where I’ve accepted the fact that me and alcohol do not mix. I didn’t know that everything I was going through in recovery was going to prepare me for this moment.

My cousin passed away on Tuesday, randomly. I want to numb the pain. I don’t want to feel. I just want to get drunk . This week has been such a long week. I’m tired, I’m emotional , idk what to do, I’m just confused right now. I’ve never dealt with the passing of a loved one, this is new to me. One of my childhood friends told me to not be alone. To stay with family. That’s what I’ve been doing. A part of me wants to be alone. A part of me wants to deal with this for a day or 2, alone. I just need time to accept it, to cry, to trust God through it all.

I haven’t really talked to my family members about me wanting to drink again. My cousin dying is enough for them. The last thing I want them to do is worry about me relapsing. When I am weak he is strong. The Lord has never failed me before and I know he won’t start now.

This is hard. The hardest part hasn’t even happened yet. The wake and burial are on Sunday and Monday. I’m mentally preparing myself for it, but how much can you possibly prepare for it? I know I’m going to have all types of different emotions. I know it’s not going to be easy. But, one thing for sure is that I will overcome this just like I’ve overcome everything else. The one thing that gives me comfort is that I know my cousin wouldn’t want me to waste the days away being sad about him not being here. He would want me to continue doing what I was doing, to not give up. To keep being a voice for the voiceless .

We don’t always see the beauty in death. But, I know who God is. I know he’s going to use this to restore things in my family. I know he’s going to use this to touch people’s lives. To change our view on life. To realize that tomorrow is not promised.

My cousin was only 24. I know he’s in heaven. I will always have a special place In my heart for him. This makes me look at life different. If I didn’t go hard enough before , I’m definitely going hard now.

I love you, Matt. ❤️🙏

Addicted to food.

 

How many of us can honestly say that we are addicted to food? *raises hand* How many diets have you started in the last year? How many times have you gotten mad at yourself for failing, again?

When I think about the Struggles I face with food, it can be a bit overwhelming. The one thing that I know is that I will never give up. As I continue to heal within, I notice that my journey with food gets a bit easier. I’ve learned to give myself grace and not beat myself up for eating the wrong foods. Creating a healthy relationship with myself is important to me. I always say that obesity is a physical sign of an internal issue. We turn to food because it comforts us. The only way I will overcome this is by dealing with the reasons I turn to food in the first place.

I’ve made so much progress. I honestly believe that the next step is truly believing that I’m worth a healthy body. Believing that I’m worth a healthy life . I’m worthy of loving myself and not apologizing for it. I’m worthy of walking into everything God has called me to BOLDLY.

Food is a topic that’s not often talked about. We go to doctors just for them to tell us what we already know, but, because we don’t listen we most likely get put on medication. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I know I need to be disciplined in this area. I also have to break this unhealthy relationship I have with food. I have to look at food as a way to nourish my body and not as something I go to , to fill a void. How can food have a hold on us like this? Why aren’t we talking about it more? Everyone is always talking about the latest diet. How can we possibly expect a people with so many heart issues to conquer their battle with food?

Food is not the issue. The way we feel about ourselves and the way we live our lives is the problem. Just like any other addiction, we must talk about the things that lead us to binge in the first place. We were never created to eat as much as we do. We weren’t created to live sedentary lifestyles. We weren’t created to sit in front of a tv for hours at a time.  It is no surprise to me why so many of us struggle with obesity.

I’m honestly so tired of being overweight. I’m tired of not loving myself enough to not change the way I live my life. I’m tired of dieting. It’s time for a change. Overcoming alcohol addiction was tough and it took a lot of hard work. I’m quickly noticing that food addiction is an even tougher battle. Sometimes I ask myself when will all this stop? when will I be free from the powers of addiction? In order to have a different outcome you have to do something different.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.