Narcissism. God. Healing.

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Confession. I saw my narcissist ex 2 months ago. I don’t know why I fell for the love bombing and gas lighting, again. How did I not see right through his narcissistic behavior? It made me angry all over again. He came back apologizing and confessing his love for me. Something that I wanted from him, genuinely. The minute I said I wasn’t going to have sex with him , everything changed.

I blocked him again. I’ve accepted the fact that he is sick. We will never be and I’ve learned to let it go.

Fast forward. I met a guy. He’s amazing. Now I have anxiety.

I was okay with being alone. Then he came along. How do you date again after dating a narcissist? It’s kind of hard to talk to people about this because most don’t get it. The only people who seem to understand me are the ones that are aware of their own dealings with a narcissist. I’ve come to understand that the healing process is a journey.  A journey that might include getting into a new relationship and healing some more. How do you not worry? How do you completely trust God when you are scared in your flesh?

I want love. I want a partner in life. I also don’t mind being alone. Love takes risk. Love takes selflessness. Love challenges you in every way possible. I know what I prayed for. But, can I be honest? I didn’t think it was going to come this fast. Or maybe, we pray for things we think we want without understanding how much responsibility and work it takes to maintain it. I know God listens to me. I know that I am going to do amazing things in life. I guess I’m just having a hard time with trusting God 100% right now, especially when it comes to relationships.

Mentally, I may not be ready for certain things. Can you ever be 100% ready ? I guess the best things in life are the ones that come unexpectedly. I’m so grateful for my recovery. I’m grateful for the healing I’ve made so far. I’m grateful for the forgiveness that has happened in my life. Why is it that when I started getting comfortable , God sent someone in my life to challenge me?

Isaiah 55:8-9

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.
    “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so my ways are higher than your ways
    and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.

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Love.

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Love is such a beautiful thing. We yearn to love someone for the rest of our lives. We have children to experience one of the best “love” moments of our entire existence. We are so passionate about Jesus Christ because he loved us first. But, what about the “love” that you have to let go?

The love that you know is not for you. The love that was just a lesson. The love that taught you some of your best life lessons. The love that you will never forget. The love that gave you butterflies like you were back in 5th grade. What do you do when you have to let go of this love?

Letting go of someone you deeply care about is one of the hardest things to do. We often talk about how bad people treat us, giving us a reason to let go. But, what about the one that you have forgiven? The one that didn’t do anything to hurt you? The one that genuinely cares about you, they just don’t know how to love you. What if I told you that love wasn’t complicated? Would you believe me? Love really is a choice.

We often like to put the blame on someone else. What if we were never meant to be together forever? What if God used that one person to grow you? What if that person came into your life to show you how to love? What if that person came into your life simply to be a part of it and nothing else? We like to believe that every relationship is forever, but, when did we believe that lie? Not every relationship will be forever. The reality of life is that some people are not forever and that’s okay. What God has for you will always be for you, even if it’s not right now.

I’ve learned to see the good in things. Is it always easy? Not at all. Love is one of those things that we all want. We all want that forever love. I pray that every person reading this gets to experience the good and the bad of loving an imperfect person . Love has a way of teaching us in ways that only a relationship can. Appreciate the good. Appreciate the bad. It may not have lasted forever, but, some of your greatest moments were in that relationship. Rejoice.

 

World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day.

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The greatest thing that could have happened to me was dealing with a narcissist. I must admit, it was the most painful experience I have ever experienced. I was depressed and ended up in the psych ward. I damn near almost lost my mind. I stayed with a bottle, that was the only way I could exist.  Did he really leave me? Did he really use me? Am I really that disposable? Is she really better than me? What’s wrong with me? Am I not thin enough or pretty enough? So many questions crossed my mind.

I didn’t know that what I had endured was abuse. I’ve had a couple of breakups in my life and none of them made me feel the way this one did. None of them made me lose my mind. None of them made me this angry. What I was feeling between 2015-2016 was something very new to me. I started doing research on how to get over a breakup, but, I was already doing those things. Months went by and I’m still begging this man to take me back. The silent treatment was on and off. He kept coming in and out of my life, not to commit but to keep me around. My self-worth went all the way down the drain.

How did I get here? how did I allow this to happen? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t he see how he’s hurting me? Why does he never take responsibility for his wrong? Why does he never support me emotionally? I was so confused. I kept doing research until I came across narcissistic abuse. It explained my ex to the T. Things started to make so much sense !

Now, I can start the healing process. I blocked him in 2016 when i was in Jamaica. I was on vacation, I haven’t spoken to him in weeks and all of a sudden he sends me a text and now I’m in tears. I knew at that very moment it was time to completely let go. I knew that I had nothing to do with how dysfunctional this man was. I took responsibility for my part of the relationship and started my healing process.

This experience allowed me to grow in so many areas. Not only did I heal, but now I know how I deserve to be treated. I love myself enough to have standards and set boundaries. This experience made me go on a healing journey that I didn’t even know I needed. This breakup led me to deal with my rejection, abandonment issues, and rape. God used this situation to turn things around for me. I have forgiven my ex, the person that raped me 13 years ago, my dad for leaving me when I was 18, and my mother for never loving me the way I needed to be loved. All of this, from one person breaking my heart into pieces. Do you see how God can use anything? I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, we will never go deep enough if we aren’t broken enough.

 

 

How do you know he’s the one?

I’ve been getting my heart broken by men my entire life. How do I know if he’s the right one or if he’s just like the ones in the past? Everyone is always on their best behavior in the beginning , that’s the scary part. I’m far from perfect and I will never reach perfection, but , one thing I can say is that I try my best to better myself every single day.

I know the love we see in movies doesn’t exist. I know that marriage is hard work. I know I’m not always going to have butterflies in my stomach. I know that things will get real , but who’s worth all of that? Who’s worth fighting for ? Who’s worth choosing to love every single day despite their ugly side?

I know a part of me is afraid of commitment. A part of me is holding back love. A part of me doesn’t want to get close to anyone. A part of me is okay with being single. But, is this what I really want? Forever? Absolutely not. I do want someone I can do life with , but , when I think of the possibility of experiencing another heartbreak, I want to run the other way. Life is hard enough as it is. The last thing I need is a bad relationship.

I’m a lot more cautious now a days than I was before . That can be a good or bad thing. I over analyze everything, and I paint this picture in my head of the perfect man. How can I set such high expectations for a man when I myself am not the most perfect woman in the world?

30 is a tricky age. You’re old enough to know better . You’re old enough to not commit the same mistakes over and over. But, you’re also old enough to be very comfortable with being single. You get comfortable with doing life alone. I don’t have to ask anyone to book a trip. I don’t have to ask anyone to do anything , I’m 30! 😂

But who really wants to be alone? Nobody. We all want to be loved. We all want to be catered to. We all want to be appreciated. I rather love than not love at all. Relationships will never be perfect and that’s okay. Even if I love again and get hurt again, at least I loved once more. I will not let fear stop me from experiencing anything that’s good for me. Love is a beautiful thing. My past doesn’t define me. Life is all about experiences. Learning and growing.

I don’t know what’s next for me, but God does.

The pressures of being 30 and single.

I’m not even going to lie! This ish is hard!!!!!! Some days I’m this wildly confident woman that’s super excited about not having a family to look after, other days I just want to lay in bed and not face the world. I want a husband and I want like 5 kids. I know I’m blessed . I know I have nothing but time on my hands to really enjoy the heck out of life and do WHATEVER I WANT . I know. That still doesn’t take away from the fact that I want my own family.

I’m really not going to beat myself up over this. I’m going to rant today and keep it moving. Today, I’m feeling like, ” what’s wrong with me?”. Why doesn’t anybody want to be with me? Why is it so damn hard to find a man these days? Am I the only one struggling here? Help a sista out! Let me know how you are surviving your 30’s being single.

I know when I have these moments I can get real desperate, I don’t want to choose the wrong man out of desperation! I want the one that’s going to be my partner in life. The one I can laugh with. The one I can feel secure with. The one that will be a good father to my children. The one that doesn’t put work before family. The one that prays over his home. The one that genuinely wants to love and protect his wife and kids.

I’m very aware that I still have to grow within myself. So maybe this alone time is exactly where I need to be right now. Is it tough at times? Absolutely. Everyone says trust God , but to be honest , I’m not really trying to hear that from all the married folks. Thanks , but no thanks! I still love y’all tho! ❤️

Honestly. Sometimes I just want a distraction from myself. Rediscovering yourself and making your life exactly what you want it to be can be fun , but it can also be very hard. Healing is hard. It’s so easy to go back to what you’re comfortable with. I want to give up like allllll the time. But , I know I can’t. I have to keep going , even when it gets tough. My relationship status doesn’t define me. I’m still worthy and I’m still amazing . Most importantly, I can put allll the attention on myself and helping others in this season. I know I have to grow in certain areas, I will focus on that for now. Life is one big rollercoaster. I want to drop everything and move to Hawaii , but I’m not . I have things to do on this earth to make it a better place.

As they say in AA, one day at a time.

A pure love turned evil.

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Why do I still think about you? Why do I still think about the good times like it’s possible for us to have a comeback? Do I truly miss you or do I just miss the warmth of your body next to me?

I remember laying next to you asking myself, “why am I still here?”. I wanted to leave but I really didn’t feel like starting over . I’m getting older, everyone around me has settled , let me settle too. I stayed long enough for you to break my heart. Long enough for me to feel like I actually needed you. I know I didn’t need you . Those feelings of rejection rose up and I had to fight. I couldn’t let you dismiss me like that. You wanted me so bad , you got me, mistreated me and then wanted to leave me? It took everything in me to not destroy everything you had. How could a love so pure turn so evil? Was it even real?

Now that I think about it , it wasn’t real. We were playing a game. We were having fun. We enjoyed each other’s company until it wasn’t fun anymore. That’s what co-dependent people do. We put all our energy into each other until we have no energy left . I still think about you. I still think about the hurt you caused. Everyone says move on, let it go, there’s better men out there. I get it . That can possibly be true, but, I’m not ready.

How can I open up myself to someone again? How can I just move on and act like the past never happened? How do I let it go so I can allow new love to grow? I try to move on. I try to let go, but , something always brings me back to thoughts of you.

Do we grow in pain or do we grow in love? In order to have pain we must first have love.  We grow in both. Take the lessons and grow with what you have.