Broken life.

Everyone tells you sin is bad for you. Repent for the kingdom of God is at hand. Since we were kids, that’s all that has been embedded in our brains. we grow up feeling like there has to be more, because if I’m being honest , sin feels so damn good when you’re broken hearted.

Sin feels good when life is hard.

Sin feels good when you feel alone.

Sin feels good when you no longer find peace in the God you once fell in love with.

The pain is too much. I just want to be numb. I’m tired of feeling.

Lord I love you but I’m tired. As tears roll down my face, all I can think about was the adulterous woman and how Jesus said “ let him without sin cast the first stone” . I caught myself full of shame. Why is it that we are so quick to talk about people that fall? When the Bible calls us to restore people back to The FATHER. Why do we take the easy way out and just leave people alone. The one in shame and condemnation gets consumed with thoughts like …

How can I? Why do I want Whats bad for me instead of what the Holy Spirit has in store for me? Is what I believe in even real? Is this walk even worth it ? It’s too painful. People don’t really care about your pain. Everyone keeps telling me that God loves me , there’s grace for that. But we already know this, what we so badly crave is RESTORATION.

See, sin is just a cover up. Sin is anything that takes you away from God. God never distances himself from us but Jesus said , abide in me and I will abide in you. Jesus already did everything he needed to do. The rest is up to us. Laying our life down and picking up the cross that Christ calls each and every one of us to carry. The only way out of sin is purpose. The only way out of sin is to die to your WHOLE LIFE .

We think we can die in one area but not the other. If you’re trapped in a sin cycle , it’s not that you don’t love God , it might just be that you are holding on to something that the Lord is calling you to give to him.

I trusted God to deliver me from addiction to alcohol, depression and suicide thoughts, but I can’t trust him to make we a wife and a mother?

As a woman I desire to be a wife . As a woman I desire to be a mother. But I’m doing it all in my own strength. I’m choosing the same type of men again. Im leading with my body , instead of letting the spirit lead. He feels good to my body , but he’s not good for my spirit.

This man is killing my spirit but it’s the one I crave. I’m consumed by the desires of the flesh. I don’t trust God enough to take a break from dating so he can do what only he can do in me and through me . It’s only in the mighty power of Jesus Christ that we can be restored back to Gods original design.

Sin is not worth it. I know you feel like this is the only man you can get. I know you feel like what if it doesn’t happen for me? I know you feel like well This is the only love I’ve experienced so maybe this is all I can get.

Listen to me sister in Christ . I am you and you are me . We are in this together. There is no condemnation in those who are in Christ Jesus.

I’m sharing this in hope that you will allow God to breathe life in you again. You are not who you are when you act out because of pain. Because guess what? YOU ARE STILL CHOSEN AND GOD STILL WANTS TO USE YOU FOR HIS GLORY!!!!

It’s time for the women of God to get out of their own way and give up the things that are killing them. IF ITS KILLING YOU, ITS NOT OF GOD!!!

Come out from among them and be ye separate. Somewhere along the way you kept giving in to your flesh and now you feel so far away from God. Just come back home, he’s waiting.

Come back home. ❤️🙏

I’m tired of waiting !

Hey girl!

I know you’re tired.

I know you’re sick of doing it all alone.

I know you want a man.

I know you want the masculine energy around.

I know you want to meet your best friend.

I know you’re tired of dating apps.

I know you’re tired of being disappointed.

I know you’re tired of telling men how to treat you.

I know you’re tired of leading.

I know you’re TIRED.

Listen.

God sees you. REST. Take a break.

One thing that I often see within us single women is that we get caught up in ” dating “. Dating can be a major distraction , especially if you haven’t been completely delivered and set free in Jesus name.

If you know you struggle with lust, you need Jesus.

If you know you’re feeling lonely, you need Jesus.

If you’re tired of being rejected, you need Jesus.

One thing doing it my own way has taught me is that all I need is Jesus. Every time I fall I hear , ” wake up Cristal , you know this way doesn’t work ” . So I repent. Let go of whatever I need to let go of and go back to the feet of Jesus.

You know what happens when we have no distractions? We have to deal with us. We can’t run away from what God wants to do in and through us. we choose to date to distract ourselves from ourselves. I get it , I really do.

But guess what? A double minded man is unstable in all of his ways. This is why you can’t think straight , because you have one foot in and one foot out. We live like we don’t believe God is going to come through. He is !! Surrender. Give it all to him. Let him prune you . Obey his instructions. Life is bigger than having a man.

I know your desire to be married is real but please understand this one thing, life is not stopping for you. Seek Jesus, surrender , and obey. That’s what’s going to get you through .

God bless! You’re never alone 💗

Stop marrying men with no vision.

You know what makes me shake my head? The way we glorify marriage but don’t prepare for it.

I’ve had my share of relationships and you know what I know? I know everything that does not work.

Ladies. STOP GETTING CAUGHT UP WITH MEN THAT HAVE NO VISION AND PURPOSE FOR THEIR LIVES.

We assume that just because men work and pay bills that he has done his share of being a man/husband. No.

There is more.

Think about the rest of your life? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life clocking in and clocking out , coming home, watching tv , eating and going to bed ?

What drives you? What drives him? What are you guys passionate about ? What makes you excited? These are very important things to know. Two people that have a vision know they are going somewhere, not guessing.

Yes, he looks good but can he pray?

Yes , he looks good but does he know what God created him for ?

I don’t believe we were all created for super big assignments, but, I do believe we were all created on purpose for a purpose. Every single person is on the earth for a reason. We are not a mistake ! So , why are we living our lives with no vision? We perish because we have no vision.

We get depressed because we have no vision.

We lose hope because we have no vision.

We get anxious because we have no vision.

All vision is a plan. A plan that we must execute. Not day dream about but execute.

God put us on here to work and meet each other’s needs. We are here to love and add value to each other’s lives . The reason I believe the divorce rate is so high is because people are unequally yoked. We think ” love” is enough to sustain. Love is a choice , yes. But, I also believe that the reason people are so quick to leave is because they don’t have a solid foundation.

I recall all my failed relationships and none of them were solid. They were all built on lust and materialism. None of them were built on purpose for a purpose. This is why it’s so easy for us to walk away. It’s not deep enough. It has no meaning.

If you know you’re building something for the kingdom of God,

If you know you’re building something for future generations,

you will not give up. You know it’s bigger than you. You know this is for Gods glory and not yours.

We must really think when we date and marry. We need to have a clear vision. I believe that God will send you someone that matches your vision and purpose. A helpmate. Not someone you have to drag along.

Let this be the year we put God above relationships and seek him so he can add what he needs to, accordingly. You have a vision with or without a spouse. You don’t have to wait . Pursue God. He will never fail you. God will not send you a project . Guard your heart at all times.

No one is perfect but it won’t be forced. You will know it’s for you. Peace that surpasses all understanding is your portion when you are in the will of God.

God bless and happy new year! 🎊

Dating as a grown up.

Ahhh dating. The beauty of meeting new people. Opening up yourself to being super shallow and swiping on tinder based on looks alone and bios that tell you nothing about who this person really is. Dating has always been fun to me but in a dysfunctional way.

Serial dating to me can become very addicting , time-consuming and if you aren’t careful , people can become objects real quick.

I was always a serial dater. If I dumped someone or if they dumped me , I moved on to the next with no hesitation. Jumping into the arms of the next man thinking that he would be the one to fix me. Hoping he will be the one to love me back to life. Hoping he would treat me different. But, every single time, I chose out of a clouded mind. A mind that was driven by the high of the unexpected.

And every single time, I still felt alone. I hid myself behind the bottle. I’m laughing , I’m having fun, I’m having sex , this is FUN. Meanwhile , I was dying inside. Praying for someone to love me even though I was a hot mess.

I soon realized it was time to chill. It was time to get my whole life together. It was time to face it all and heal. A never-ending process that can sometimes make you want to go back to being a savage. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to care. Ohhhh.. but I do.

See, when you heal you can’t go back. It’s almost impossible to be the person you used to be. You know better. You grew up. You started to love you. You put in tears , endless talks and prayers. You put in the work to get to where you are . Why go back?

It’s not worth it.

What does this have to do with dating? A lot. When you heal, dating gets a tad bit harder. Why? You realize real quick how most people are hiding behind great careers , trips and happy hours. You realize that almost everyone is putting up a front online. You realize that behind those lavish trips and great Instagram pictures, these men are hurting.

I was always the woman who thought a man could change as long as I loved him enough. I made excuses for poor behavior and outbursts. I made excuses for him not being able to love me and show up as the man I needed him to be.

Healing puts an end to your low self-esteem. Healing shows you that a man is not supposed to be a project . Healing gives you your power back. Healing shows you that you don’t have to beg anyone to love you the way God created you to be loved. When you heal , you are a lot less tolerant to the things you used to put up with when you were full of insecurities and low self worth.

So where does that leave the woman who’s working on her recovery? The woman that is whole again? The woman that’s healed and ready to take over the world? That puts the ball in your court. It gives you the confidence to know who you are and what you know you deserve. You no longer settle just to have someone in your bed. You no longer make excuses for the unacceptable. You have standards. You respect yourself. You have boundaries. Most importantly, you continue to win.

You walk with grace and love. You pick up the next woman. You continue to grow. You go on dates. You meet people. You travel. You work on your career. You fix your credit. You pay off debt. You achieve goals. You live life on your terms. When you meet the one for you , you will know. It won’t be exhausting. It will be a love you’ve never experienced.

Be patient my friend. We all want to love and be loved. Don’t settle in the one area that matters the most in our human existence, LOVE.

love.

verses-on-love

 

Beginnings are always good. New joy. New butterflies. New adventures. New jokes. New traditions. New experiences. Most importantly, new love.

Loving your neighbor is a blessing. Having a partner in your life that can love you is also a blessing. When I think about the relationship I desire to have one day, I can’t wait. I can’t wait to share new experiences. I can’t wait to experience love at this level of growth. A healthy love. A love I’ve never experienced.

I can be sad. I can get impatient. I can get frustrated. But, I don’t feel any of that. I’m not a broken woman anymore. I have loved. I know my worth. I know what I want.

I often think about where he is right now. Where is the man who I will spend the rest of my life with? Where is the one that will show me a love that I have never experienced before. Where is he? I don’t know , but, God does.

If for whatever reason I don’t love again or it just happens to take a little longer than I’ve expected, I know that I have loved. It might have been broken, dysfunctional , and not one relationship may have lasted more than 2 years, but… I loved. I laughed until my stomach hurt. I learned. I cried. I grew. I had someone care about me. I had someone willing. I experienced love with someone who was trying to figure out life just like me. We hurt each other in the midst of it all. But, we were both humans seeking the same thing, LOVE. The one thing we were both seeking was the one thing we could not give. what a sad and beautiful story.

I look at love different ever since I’ve grown as a woman. I’m not mad anymore. How can I be mad at someone who didn’t know how to love when I didn’t either? Lives led by addiction and lusts. We did the best we could. In a world that constantly tells you to be in a relationship, they don’t tell you everything that comes with it, especially if you have emotional, mental, and spiritual baggage.  Love is the most beautiful thing in the world. After all, Love is what saved the world.

It’s so easy to walk away. It’s so easy to break it off. It’s so easy to get into a new one. But, one thing that I can say is that if you have a willing partner, don’t give up on love. Unless its super toxic, dysfunctional and broken, breathe life into it. Love heals. Love restores. Love grows.

It’s better to have loved than to not love at all. Love makes the world go round. It’s the one thing that connects all of human kind. Love is the one thing we all want. Love hard. Out do one another in love. Serve one another. Be a team. Work together. Grow together.

Know your worth. Respect yourself. LoVe God. Love yourself. Love others.

Every story doesn’t end the same.

BUT..

Every story matters.

 

Sibling Rivalry.

sibling.jpg

 

 

” You will NEVER be sh*t but an alcoholic.”

Those were the exact words of my only sibling at the time. The one I grew up with. The one I couldn’t live without. The one that was literally my best friend. The other man who hurt my little soul.

I’ve learned in my 31 years of life that you do not forgive when people apologize. You forgive when you are ready to forgive. You forgive every single day until the pain is no longer present. Forgiveness does not just happen. Time does not bring forth forgiveness. Forgiveness is a choice.

How did I forgive my brother after years of him belittling me and making me feel so unworthy? God.

I had to understand that I’m not perfect. In my brokenness, I’ve hurt so many people. In my brokenness , I cursed people. I used people. I ignored people. I didn’t care about anyone, only myself. How can I possibly come before God without being open to letting go of my deepest wounds? How can I hold on to this hurt when I’ve caused pain in other people’s lives? I cried. I screamed. I was angry. I kept asking God, why? Why did you allow this? Why do men keep hurting me? Why God? They are supposed to protect me.          

I am your protector.

We have to understand that out of our own pain we hurt others. It’s how we learn to cope. God has given me so much insight on the human heart. I’m able to forgive because I know that people in their own humanity will hurt me. As long as I am alive, I will always have someone to forgive. We all have bad moments. We all say things we shouldn’t. We all act before thinking at times.

Let’s forgive a little more. Let’s love a little more.

Grace.