Dating as a grown up.

Ahhh dating. The beauty of meeting new people. Opening up yourself to being super shallow and swiping on tinder based on looks alone and bios that tell you nothing about who this person really is. Dating has always been fun to me but in a dysfunctional way.

Serial dating to me can become very addicting , time-consuming and if you aren’t careful , people can become objects real quick.

I was always a serial dater. If I dumped someone or if they dumped me , I moved on to the next with no hesitation. Jumping into the arms of the next man thinking that he would be the one to fix me. Hoping he will be the one to love me back to life. Hoping he would treat me different. But, every single time, I chose out of a clouded mind. A mind that was driven by the high of the unexpected.

And every single time, I still felt alone. I hid myself behind the bottle. I’m laughing , I’m having fun, I’m having sex , this is FUN. Meanwhile , I was dying inside. Praying for someone to love me even though I was a hot mess.

I soon realized it was time to chill. It was time to get my whole life together. It was time to face it all and heal. A never-ending process that can sometimes make you want to go back to being a savage. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to care. Ohhhh.. but I do.

See, when you heal you can’t go back. It’s almost impossible to be the person you used to be. You know better. You grew up. You started to love you. You put in tears , endless talks and prayers. You put in the work to get to where you are . Why go back?

It’s not worth it.

What does this have to do with dating? A lot. When you heal, dating gets a tad bit harder. Why? You realize real quick how most people are hiding behind great careers , trips and happy hours. You realize that almost everyone is putting up a front online. You realize that behind those lavish trips and great Instagram pictures, these men are hurting.

I was always the woman who thought a man could change as long as I loved him enough. I made excuses for poor behavior and outbursts. I made excuses for him not being able to love me and show up as the man I needed him to be.

Healing puts an end to your low self-esteem. Healing shows you that a man is not supposed to be a project . Healing gives you your power back. Healing shows you that you don’t have to beg anyone to love you the way God created you to be loved. When you heal , you are a lot less tolerant to the things you used to put up with when you were full of insecurities and low self worth.

So where does that leave the woman who’s working on her recovery? The woman that is whole again? The woman that’s healed and ready to take over the world? That puts the ball in your court. It gives you the confidence to know who you are and what you know you deserve. You no longer settle just to have someone in your bed. You no longer make excuses for the unacceptable. You have standards. You respect yourself. You have boundaries. Most importantly, you continue to win.

You walk with grace and love. You pick up the next woman. You continue to grow. You go on dates. You meet people. You travel. You work on your career. You fix your credit. You pay off debt. You achieve goals. You live life on your terms. When you meet the one for you , you will know. It won’t be exhausting. It will be a love you’ve never experienced.

Be patient my friend. We all want to love and be loved. Don’t settle in the one area that matters the most in our human existence, LOVE.

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Beginnings are always good. New joy. New butterflies. New adventures. New jokes. New traditions. New experiences. Most importantly, new love.

Loving your neighbor is a blessing. Having a partner in your life that can love you is also a blessing. When I think about the relationship I desire to have one day, I can’t wait. I can’t wait to share new experiences. I can’t wait to experience love at this level of growth. A healthy love. A love I’ve never experienced.

I can be sad. I can get impatient. I can get frustrated. But, I don’t feel any of that. I’m not a broken woman anymore. I have loved. I know my worth. I know what I want.

I often think about where he is right now. Where is the man who I will spend the rest of my life with? Where is the one that will show me a love that I have never experienced before. Where is he? I don’t know , but, God does.

If for whatever reason I don’t love again or it just happens to take a little longer than I’ve expected, I know that I have loved. It might have been broken, dysfunctional , and not one relationship may have lasted more than 2 years, but… I loved. I laughed until my stomach hurt. I learned. I cried. I grew. I had someone care about me. I had someone willing. I experienced love with someone who was trying to figure out life just like me. We hurt each other in the midst of it all. But, we were both humans seeking the same thing, LOVE. The one thing we were both seeking was the one thing we could not give. what a sad and beautiful story.

I look at love different ever since I’ve grown as a woman. I’m not mad anymore. How can I be mad at someone who didn’t know how to love when I didn’t either? Lives led by addiction and lusts. We did the best we could. In a world that constantly tells you to be in a relationship, they don’t tell you everything that comes with it, especially if you have emotional, mental, and spiritual baggage.  Love is the most beautiful thing in the world. After all, Love is what saved the world.

It’s so easy to walk away. It’s so easy to break it off. It’s so easy to get into a new one. But, one thing that I can say is that if you have a willing partner, don’t give up on love. Unless its super toxic, dysfunctional and broken, breathe life into it. Love heals. Love restores. Love grows.

It’s better to have loved than to not love at all. Love makes the world go round. It’s the one thing that connects all of human kind. Love is the one thing we all want. Love hard. Out do one another in love. Serve one another. Be a team. Work together. Grow together.

Know your worth. Respect yourself. LoVe God. Love yourself. Love others.

Every story doesn’t end the same.

BUT..

Every story matters.

 

Sibling Rivalry.

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” You will NEVER be sh*t but an alcoholic.”

Those were the exact words of my only sibling at the time. The one I grew up with. The one I couldn’t live without. The one that was literally my best friend. The other man who hurt my little soul.

I’ve learned in my 31 years of life that you do not forgive when people apologize. You forgive when you are ready to forgive. You forgive every single day until the pain is no longer present. Forgiveness does not just happen. Time does not bring forth forgiveness. Forgiveness is a choice.

How did I forgive my brother after years of him belittling me and making me feel so unworthy? God.

I had to understand that I’m not perfect. In my brokenness, I’ve hurt so many people. In my brokenness , I cursed people. I used people. I ignored people. I didn’t care about anyone, only myself. How can I possibly come before God without being open to letting go of my deepest wounds? How can I hold on to this hurt when I’ve caused pain in other people’s lives? I cried. I screamed. I was angry. I kept asking God, why? Why did you allow this? Why do men keep hurting me? Why God? They are supposed to protect me.          

I am your protector.

We have to understand that out of our own pain we hurt others. It’s how we learn to cope. God has given me so much insight on the human heart. I’m able to forgive because I know that people in their own humanity will hurt me. As long as I am alive, I will always have someone to forgive. We all have bad moments. We all say things we shouldn’t. We all act before thinking at times.

Let’s forgive a little more. Let’s love a little more.

Grace.

 

Narcissism. God. Healing.

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Confession. I saw my narcissist ex 2 months ago. I don’t know why I fell for the love bombing and gas lighting, again. How did I not see right through his narcissistic behavior? It made me angry all over again. He came back apologizing and confessing his love for me. Something that I wanted from him, genuinely. The minute I said I wasn’t going to have sex with him , everything changed.

I blocked him again. I’ve accepted the fact that he is sick. We will never be and I’ve learned to let it go.

Fast forward. I met a guy. He’s amazing. Now I have anxiety.

I was okay with being alone. Then he came along. How do you date again after dating a narcissist? It’s kind of hard to talk to people about this because most don’t get it. The only people who seem to understand me are the ones that are aware of their own dealings with a narcissist. I’ve come to understand that the healing process is a journey.  A journey that might include getting into a new relationship and healing some more. How do you not worry? How do you completely trust God when you are scared in your flesh?

I want love. I want a partner in life. I also don’t mind being alone. Love takes risk. Love takes selflessness. Love challenges you in every way possible. I know what I prayed for. But, can I be honest? I didn’t think it was going to come this fast. Or maybe, we pray for things we think we want without understanding how much responsibility and work it takes to maintain it. I know God listens to me. I know that I am going to do amazing things in life. I guess I’m just having a hard time with trusting God 100% right now, especially when it comes to relationships.

Mentally, I may not be ready for certain things. Can you ever be 100% ready ? I guess the best things in life are the ones that come unexpectedly. I’m so grateful for my recovery. I’m grateful for the healing I’ve made so far. I’m grateful for the forgiveness that has happened in my life. Why is it that when I started getting comfortable , God sent someone in my life to challenge me?

Isaiah 55:8-9

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.
    “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so my ways are higher than your ways
    and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.

Love.

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Love is such a beautiful thing. We yearn to love someone for the rest of our lives. We have children to experience one of the best “love” moments of our entire existence. We are so passionate about Jesus Christ because he loved us first. But, what about the “love” that you have to let go?

The love that you know is not for you. The love that was just a lesson. The love that taught you some of your best life lessons. The love that you will never forget. The love that gave you butterflies like you were back in 5th grade. What do you do when you have to let go of this love?

Letting go of someone you deeply care about is one of the hardest things to do. We often talk about how bad people treat us, giving us a reason to let go. But, what about the one that you have forgiven? The one that didn’t do anything to hurt you? The one that genuinely cares about you, they just don’t know how to love you. What if I told you that love wasn’t complicated? Would you believe me? Love really is a choice.

We often like to put the blame on someone else. What if we were never meant to be together forever? What if God used that one person to grow you? What if that person came into your life to show you how to love? What if that person came into your life simply to be a part of it and nothing else? We like to believe that every relationship is forever, but, when did we believe that lie? Not every relationship will be forever. The reality of life is that some people are not forever and that’s okay. What God has for you will always be for you, even if it’s not right now.

I’ve learned to see the good in things. Is it always easy? Not at all. Love is one of those things that we all want. We all want that forever love. I pray that every person reading this gets to experience the good and the bad of loving an imperfect person . Love has a way of teaching us in ways that only a relationship can. Appreciate the good. Appreciate the bad. It may not have lasted forever, but, some of your greatest moments were in that relationship. Rejoice.

 

World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day.

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The greatest thing that could have happened to me was dealing with a narcissist. I must admit, it was the most painful experience I have ever experienced. I was depressed and ended up in the psych ward. I damn near almost lost my mind. I stayed with a bottle, that was the only way I could exist.  Did he really leave me? Did he really use me? Am I really that disposable? Is she really better than me? What’s wrong with me? Am I not thin enough or pretty enough? So many questions crossed my mind.

I didn’t know that what I had endured was abuse. I’ve had a couple of breakups in my life and none of them made me feel the way this one did. None of them made me lose my mind. None of them made me this angry. What I was feeling between 2015-2016 was something very new to me. I started doing research on how to get over a breakup, but, I was already doing those things. Months went by and I’m still begging this man to take me back. The silent treatment was on and off. He kept coming in and out of my life, not to commit but to keep me around. My self-worth went all the way down the drain.

How did I get here? how did I allow this to happen? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t he see how he’s hurting me? Why does he never take responsibility for his wrong? Why does he never support me emotionally? I was so confused. I kept doing research until I came across narcissistic abuse. It explained my ex to the T. Things started to make so much sense !

Now, I can start the healing process. I blocked him in 2016 when i was in Jamaica. I was on vacation, I haven’t spoken to him in weeks and all of a sudden he sends me a text and now I’m in tears. I knew at that very moment it was time to completely let go. I knew that I had nothing to do with how dysfunctional this man was. I took responsibility for my part of the relationship and started my healing process.

This experience allowed me to grow in so many areas. Not only did I heal, but now I know how I deserve to be treated. I love myself enough to have standards and set boundaries. This experience made me go on a healing journey that I didn’t even know I needed. This breakup led me to deal with my rejection, abandonment issues, and rape. God used this situation to turn things around for me. I have forgiven my ex, the person that raped me 13 years ago, my dad for leaving me when I was 18, and my mother for never loving me the way I needed to be loved. All of this, from one person breaking my heart into pieces. Do you see how God can use anything? I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, we will never go deep enough if we aren’t broken enough.