World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day.

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The greatest thing that could have happened to me was dealing with a narcissist. I must admit, it was the most painful experience I have ever experienced. I was depressed and ended up in the psych ward. I damn near almost lost my mind. I stayed with a bottle, that was the only way I could exist.  Did he really leave me? Did he really use me? Am I really that disposable? Is she really better than me? What’s wrong with me? Am I not thin enough or pretty enough? So many questions crossed my mind.

I didn’t know that what I had endured was abuse. I’ve had a couple of breakups in my life and none of them made me feel the way this one did. None of them made me lose my mind. None of them made me this angry. What I was feeling between 2015-2016 was something very new to me. I started doing research on how to get over a breakup, but, I was already doing those things. Months went by and I’m still begging this man to take me back. The silent treatment was on and off. He kept coming in and out of my life, not to commit but to keep me around. My self-worth went all the way down the drain.

How did I get here? how did I allow this to happen? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t he see how he’s hurting me? Why does he never take responsibility for his wrong? Why does he never support me emotionally? I was so confused. I kept doing research until I came across narcissistic abuse. It explained my ex to the T. Things started to make so much sense !

Now, I can start the healing process. I blocked him in 2016 when i was in Jamaica. I was on vacation, I haven’t spoken to him in weeks and all of a sudden he sends me a text and now I’m in tears. I knew at that very moment it was time to completely let go. I knew that I had nothing to do with how dysfunctional this man was. I took responsibility for my part of the relationship and started my healing process.

This experience allowed me to grow in so many areas. Not only did I heal, but now I know how I deserve to be treated. I love myself enough to have standards and set boundaries. This experience made me go on a healing journey that I didn’t even know I needed. This breakup led me to deal with my rejection, abandonment issues, and rape. God used this situation to turn things around for me. I have forgiven my ex, the person that raped me 13 years ago, my dad for leaving me when I was 18, and my mother for never loving me the way I needed to be loved. All of this, from one person breaking my heart into pieces. Do you see how God can use anything? I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, we will never go deep enough if we aren’t broken enough.

 

 

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How do you know he’s the one?

I’ve been getting my heart broken by men my entire life. How do I know if he’s the right one or if he’s just like the ones in the past? Everyone is always on their best behavior in the beginning , that’s the scary part. I’m far from perfect and I will never reach perfection, but , one thing I can say is that I try my best to better myself every single day.

I know the love we see in movies doesn’t exist. I know that marriage is hard work. I know I’m not always going to have butterflies in my stomach. I know that things will get real , but who’s worth all of that? Who’s worth fighting for ? Who’s worth choosing to love every single day despite their ugly side?

I know a part of me is afraid of commitment. A part of me is holding back love. A part of me doesn’t want to get close to anyone. A part of me is okay with being single. But, is this what I really want? Forever? Absolutely not. I do want someone I can do life with , but , when I think of the possibility of experiencing another heartbreak, I want to run the other way. Life is hard enough as it is. The last thing I need is a bad relationship.

I’m a lot more cautious now a days than I was before . That can be a good or bad thing. I over analyze everything, and I paint this picture in my head of the perfect man. How can I set such high expectations for a man when I myself am not the most perfect woman in the world?

30 is a tricky age. You’re old enough to know better . You’re old enough to not commit the same mistakes over and over. But, you’re also old enough to be very comfortable with being single. You get comfortable with doing life alone. I don’t have to ask anyone to book a trip. I don’t have to ask anyone to do anything , I’m 30! 😂

But who really wants to be alone? Nobody. We all want to be loved. We all want to be catered to. We all want to be appreciated. I rather love than not love at all. Relationships will never be perfect and that’s okay. Even if I love again and get hurt again, at least I loved once more. I will not let fear stop me from experiencing anything that’s good for me. Love is a beautiful thing. My past doesn’t define me. Life is all about experiences. Learning and growing.

I don’t know what’s next for me, but God does.

The pressures of being 30 and single.

I’m not even going to lie! This ish is hard!!!!!! Some days I’m this wildly confident woman that’s super excited about not having a family to look after, other days I just want to lay in bed and not face the world. I want a husband and I want like 5 kids. I know I’m blessed . I know I have nothing but time on my hands to really enjoy the heck out of life and do WHATEVER I WANT . I know. That still doesn’t take away from the fact that I want my own family.

I’m really not going to beat myself up over this. I’m going to rant today and keep it moving. Today, I’m feeling like, ” what’s wrong with me?”. Why doesn’t anybody want to be with me? Why is it so damn hard to find a man these days? Am I the only one struggling here? Help a sista out! Let me know how you are surviving your 30’s being single.

I know when I have these moments I can get real desperate, I don’t want to choose the wrong man out of desperation! I want the one that’s going to be my partner in life. The one I can laugh with. The one I can feel secure with. The one that will be a good father to my children. The one that doesn’t put work before family. The one that prays over his home. The one that genuinely wants to love and protect his wife and kids.

I’m very aware that I still have to grow within myself. So maybe this alone time is exactly where I need to be right now. Is it tough at times? Absolutely. Everyone says trust God , but to be honest , I’m not really trying to hear that from all the married folks. Thanks , but no thanks! I still love y’all tho! ❤️

Honestly. Sometimes I just want a distraction from myself. Rediscovering yourself and making your life exactly what you want it to be can be fun , but it can also be very hard. Healing is hard. It’s so easy to go back to what you’re comfortable with. I want to give up like allllll the time. But , I know I can’t. I have to keep going , even when it gets tough. My relationship status doesn’t define me. I’m still worthy and I’m still amazing . Most importantly, I can put allll the attention on myself and helping others in this season. I know I have to grow in certain areas, I will focus on that for now. Life is one big rollercoaster. I want to drop everything and move to Hawaii , but I’m not . I have things to do on this earth to make it a better place.

As they say in AA, one day at a time.

A pure love turned evil.

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Why do I still think about you? Why do I still think about the good times like it’s possible for us to have a comeback? Do I truly miss you or do I just miss the warmth of your body next to me?

I remember laying next to you asking myself, “why am I still here?”. I wanted to leave but I really didn’t feel like starting over . I’m getting older, everyone around me has settled , let me settle too. I stayed long enough for you to break my heart. Long enough for me to feel like I actually needed you. I know I didn’t need you . Those feelings of rejection rose up and I had to fight. I couldn’t let you dismiss me like that. You wanted me so bad , you got me, mistreated me and then wanted to leave me? It took everything in me to not destroy everything you had. How could a love so pure turn so evil? Was it even real?

Now that I think about it , it wasn’t real. We were playing a game. We were having fun. We enjoyed each other’s company until it wasn’t fun anymore. That’s what co-dependent people do. We put all our energy into each other until we have no energy left . I still think about you. I still think about the hurt you caused. Everyone says move on, let it go, there’s better men out there. I get it . That can possibly be true, but, I’m not ready.

How can I open up myself to someone again? How can I just move on and act like the past never happened? How do I let it go so I can allow new love to grow? I try to move on. I try to let go, but , something always brings me back to thoughts of you.

Do we grow in pain or do we grow in love? In order to have pain we must first have love.  We grow in both. Take the lessons and grow with what you have.

Hurt, again.

When did it all change? I look at family values now a days and they are almost nonexistent. We are all in our own little bubble, chasing our dreams, surviving , and eventually secluding ourselves by accident. Honestly, I’m tired.

I’m tired of always reaching out. I’m tired of always helping others. I’m tired of always giving but never getting anything back in return. I really don’t want to sound like a 3-year-old right now, but, ” what about me?”. Does anybody even care?  I remember being stuck in Puerto Rico with no phone during the hurricane. I got back to the U.S., turned on my phone and had over 20 text messages. Wait, so in order for you to care about my well-being my life has to be in danger? What in the entire ****? A part of me wanted to be real petty and not respond to anybody except my momma.

How is it that you have access to me all year-long but never call? How is it that you can tell me you love me but not show it? How can you tell me you miss me but not make an effort to see me? Spare me with all the fake love and if you’re not going to genuinely care, leave me alone.

It’s taking everything in me to not treat people the way they treat me. I know I have to take a step back , accept people for who they are , and, let it go. I have to stop trying so hard to keep relationships together when there’s no mutual effort. I can let go of friends, but, siblings is a whole other ball game. It’s harder for me. Why doesn’t he try harder? Why doesn’t he care about my well-being? Why does he not show he cares? I remember us being inseparable. Now, it’s like I don’t even know him. A part of me is upset that no man in my life has ever stepped up.

I know God is telling me to let it go. To pay attention to how people treat me and let it go. I can’t change people.  I can’t get people to love me. I can’t get people to see how important family is. If you know me… you know I have a good heart. Even in my dark days I still cared about everybody else. I guess that’s the problem. I care about everyone else and forget about me. It’s time to focus on me. It’s time for me to accept my reality and step out of my comfort zone. No one is going to hold my hand. It gets tough, but, I know I will get through this. I have to walk away from the old and make room for the new.

If you have great friendships and relationships, appreciate them. Continue to nurture those relationships. No matter how busy you get , stay in contact. Even if it’s for a few seconds.

Stay connected.

Will I love again?

Sometimes I ask myself if I will ever love again. I know everybody is not the same. I know great godly men do exist. I know I’m amazing . I know I’m the daughter of a king. I know there’s no one like me. I know who I am .

But, I would be lying if I said I’m 100% healed. Will we ever be? Pain is a part of life. Life is a rollercoaster. The beauty of life is that you can make it whatever you want, but, in the midst of that things can always happen.

How can I still be hurting? How can it still bother me? Why am I not over it yet? Doesn’t time heal all wounds? How much time? You can’t put a time on healing. Dealing with a narcissist left me pretty banged up. 2 years later , I’m not dating and I don’t want to. I still need time.

I still need time to get back to the woman that I was created to be all along. A part of me has let go. A part of me is ready to love again. A part of me still has questions. A part of me is still questioning who I am as a woman. A part of me is thinking about how different my life would be if I never would have met him. A part of me knows that dealing with that man set me back. I know I can overcome. I know I will heal completely. But… a part of me is still mad at myself for allowing it to happen.

I’m mad at myself for ignoring the red flags. I’m mad at myself for staying. I’m mad at myself for begging a man to be with me. I’m mad at myself for letting myself get that low. I’m mad at myself for not knowing better when I knew better. I have to forgive myself , I know. I will.

I will come out of this BRAND NEW.

I’m at the stage where I have to fight even harder for my breakthrough. I have to overcome the negative thoughts. I have to close that chapter of my life. I have to completely surrender to God’s will for my life and LET GO. I guess a part of me is scared. A part of me feels safe holding on to the past. This is my reality. It’s safe here.

What’s faith without stepping out into the unknown? I must step out. I must close that door, never look back, and , walk into the unknown. I know God has better plans for me. I just need a little bit more time to heal. I won’t rush it, I trust you Lord. ❤️✝️