As a woman we want to be loved and protected. Whether that love comes from a father, husband, friend, or, brother; it’s something we were created for. We were created to be loved and protected. What do you do when you don’t have that love from a man?
I’m finding my way in this world and it is hard. Every time I take steps forward I take a couple of steps back. I ask myself how long will this back and forth last? When will I get out of this place? When will I go to the next level? When will I let go of the past? It seems like every time I attempt to start a new beginning, something happens that sends me back to a painful experience. I have a desire to be loved. I have felt unloved for as long as I can remember. I ask God, when will you send people in my life that will love me for me? Why has every important man in my life hurt me? I see women that are able to get life advice from their fathers and it hurts. Me and my dad don’t have that bond. I can’t cry to him, vent , or simply ask him for help with this thing called life.
Every time a man hurts me, leaves me , or simply disrespects me it always reminds me of previous painful moments. I know I have to set boundaries. I know I have to stop allowing people to hurt me. I know I have to take a step back and focus on me more. I have to let go of the thought of things changing between me and the men in my life. I have this hope that one day things will change. I have this hope that It will one day get to how it was when I was a little girl. I have this hope that one day they will start showing me the love they say they have for me. Maybe the damage has already been done.
Am I crazy for hoping?
God, give me the strength to move on. Give me the strength to trust you. I know one day my life will be full of people who love me, but, when? Having faith is hard. I want things now. I want it all to be worked out for my good, NOW. I know it doesn’t always work like that. This process is tough. I never thought it was going to be this hard. I thought the hardest thing I had to do was let go of the liquor. This healing stuff is not easy. I have to dig deep, I have to deal with the reality of life, SOBER. I drove past a liquor store yesterday and thought to myself, “is being sober even worth it?”.
Forgiveness is something you have to choose every single day. You have to choose happiness every day. Every single day, you have to wake up and make choices. They aren’t always easy but, I’m a firm believer that things will get easier as time passes. Do I wish I had men in my life that I could count on? absolutely. But, the reality is that I don’t. So, I have to be okay with that and do the best that I can. My relationship with my mother has gotten so much better and I am thankful for that. I may not have a present father or sibling. I may not have a husband yet, but, at least I have my mom. A woman who despite our differences doesn’t give up on me and loves me.
This father wound cuts deep. Will I ever heal from it 100%? I don’t know. But for now, I will continue to trust in the Lord. Tomorrow is the day Jesus resurrected, maybe in April I will resurrect to a new life. Letting go of the past and starting a new beginning.