Wear the bathing suit.

It doesn’t matter how much I weigh I will wear my bathing suit. Insecure or not I will wear my bathing suit. Whether I feel fat or not I will wear my bathing suit. I don’t care what anyone says or thinks I will wear my bathing suit. I’m a summer baby, so how can I not love the summer or bathing suits?we all gain weight for different reasons. We are all insecure for different reasons. Most of the reasons have to do with the words that have come out of people’s mouths. I really try my best to never comment on anyone’s weight. Sometimes it may slip and I feel super bad afterward. I don’t ever want anyone to think that they aren’t enough because of their size. Your size or weight number doesn’t define you. Yes, I’m sure you would like to look a specific way and that’s okay. Can you work on it ? Can you change it ? If so, you’re good. Don’t beat yourself up. Most of us don’t have a healthy relationship with food. Start with that. Start with loving you right now. Start with making better food choices. Start with figuring out why you turn to food? I promise you, you will not be any more secure when that number changes if you don’t deal with the inner you. The number on the scale isn’t the problem, what you have inside you that you refuse to deal with is the problem. And that’s okay. Give yourself grace. You will overcome the toughest battles. Wear the bathing suit. You are enough. You are worthy. You deserve to love you. Don’t let society make you hate you, you are the bomb!!! You don’t need to cover up. You are beautiful the way you are !! Believe it girlllll and GO SLAY!!

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Daddy issues.

I’m seeking a man to fill the void of not having a father present. I’m subconsciously making decisions from a little girls perspective. I want my dad. I want him to give me advice. I want him to protect me. I want him to hug me. I want him to tell me how proud he is of me. I want him to take me out to dinner. I just want to have a relationship with my dad.

That may never happen and I have to accept that. We talk here and there. I see him once a year for the most part. I know he’s doing well in Puerto Rico. I know he did the best he can. I know his intention wasn’t to abandon me. I know he meant no harm. So why am I still unable to forgive him?

The Lord quickly reminded me tonight in worship how I’m making marriage an idol. I’m desperately seeking for a husband to fill the void of not having a daddy. That cut deep. Almost lost my breath. My chest tightened up and all I could do was cry. Every girl desires to have a great relationship with her dad. Women shouldn’t have to figure out life on their own. Fathers are important.

Dad, I forgive you.

I thought I already forgave you , but , clearly I didn’t. Deep down I was still holding on. Holding on to what could of been. Holding on to how life would have been like if you and mom never got divorced. My life changed drastically. I was still that little girl seeking for answers. I have to let go. I have to trust God. I have to trust him enough to know that he will always protect me no matter what. I can’t change the past . I can only control what I do and how I react from here on out.

I want to be free. I want to choose peace. I want to choose happiness. I want to choose forgiveness. I choose all of this today. I choose it again, and I will choose it every single day.

To every little girl without a present father , you are loved and The Lord has not forgotten you. ❤️

The missing link.

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As a woman we want to be loved and protected. Whether that love comes from a father, husband, friend, or, brother; it’s something we were created for. We were created to be loved and protected. What do you do when you don’t have that love from a man?

I’m finding my way in this world and it is hard. Every time I take steps forward I take a couple of steps back. I ask myself how long will this back and forth last? When will I get out of this place? When will I go to the next level? When will I let go of the past? It seems like every time I attempt to start a new beginning, something happens that sends me back to a painful experience. I have a desire to be loved. I have felt unloved for as long as I can remember. I ask God, when will you send people in my life that will love me for me? Why has every important man in my life hurt me? I see women that are able to get life advice from their fathers and it hurts. Me and my dad don’t have that bond. I can’t cry to him, vent , or simply ask him for help with this thing called life.

Every time a man hurts me, leaves me , or simply disrespects me it always reminds me of previous painful moments. I know I have to set boundaries. I know I have to stop allowing people to hurt me. I know I have to take a step back and focus on me more. I have to let go of the thought of things changing between me and the men in my life. I have this hope that one day things will change. I have this hope that It will one day get to how it was when I was a little girl. I have this hope that one day they will start showing me the love they say they have for me. Maybe the damage has already been done.

Am I crazy for hoping?

God, give me the strength to move on. Give me the strength to trust you. I know one day my life will be full of people who love me, but, when? Having faith is hard. I want things now. I want it all to be worked out for my good, NOW. I know it doesn’t always work like that. This process is tough. I never thought it was going to be this hard. I thought the hardest thing I had to do was let go of the liquor. This healing stuff is not easy. I have to dig deep, I have to deal with the reality of life, SOBER. I drove past a liquor store yesterday and thought to myself, “is being sober even worth it?”.

Forgiveness is something you have to choose every single day. You have to choose happiness every day. Every single day, you have to wake up and make choices. They aren’t always easy but, I’m a firm believer that things will get easier as time passes. Do I wish I had men in my life that I could count on? absolutely. But, the reality is that I don’t. So, I have to be okay with that and do the best that I can. My relationship with my mother has gotten so much better and I am thankful for that. I may not have a present father or sibling. I may not have a husband yet, but, at least I have my mom. A woman who despite our differences doesn’t give up on me and loves me.

This father wound cuts deep. Will I ever heal from it 100%? I don’t know. But for now, I will continue to trust in the Lord. Tomorrow is the day Jesus resurrected, maybe in April I will resurrect to a new life. Letting go of the past and starting a new beginning.

Who am I?

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As soon as I log on to social media I feel like I’m in a competition. Everyone is posting their best pictures of family , trips , and accomplishments. Can I follow someone that’s real? Someone that’s going to talk about the good and the bad. Someone that’s going to forget about all the material things and let me know that everything is going to be okay. Someone that’s not going to start another debate on how our world is in shambles.
It almost feels like we are in one huge competition. We are all trying to prove a point.

Who am I? what do I want? Am I really content with life? Is Jesus really all I need or am I lying to myself? I’m in this huge bubble of peace until I log on. It’s so easy to lose yourself in the midst of social media. It’s so easy to start comparing. It’s so easy to judge people because we don’t think they deserve certain things. Then I get on the explore page. Why are these women so perfect? Why is everybody’s makeup always on fleek? Why can’t I get to the gym every single day? Why is everyone’s house so nice? Is everyone really this happy? Are couples really this happy, ALL THE TIME? What world is everybody living in? On social media everything is perfect, but, when I have real conversations with people everyone’s life is in shambles.

Why are we trying so hard to prove to people that we are winning?

I pray for the day when we can all be real . I pray for the day when we can all be vulnerable. I pray for the day when we can all genuinely care about one another. We are so busy trying to build our brand. Everyone is hustling and grinding. No one is stopping for one second to ask , ” how are you doing?”. I know you work hard. I know you have goals. I know you are starting a business, but, seriously.. “HOW ARE YOU DOING?”

You know what’s sad? the amount of people who are depressed. What’s even worse is the amount that suffer in silence. The ones that focus on “winning” on social media but are dying behind closed doors. I use social media to bring awareness to mental health and the many ways that we are dying within. I preach Jesus because I know this world needs the only one that can save us. We don’t need more likes. We don’t need more money. We don’t need more passport stamps. WE NEED JESUS.

Anytime I start to question who I am , I take a step back. I ask myself questions. I figure out why I’m feeling the way I feel. It’s mostly because of comparison. When I compare myself, I don’t think I”m doing enough. When I compare myself, I don’t feel pretty enough. When I compare myself, I think something is wrong with me. When I compare myself, I will ALWAYS find something wrong. STOP. The beauty of this is that I know how to check myself, now. Before, I would throw this huge pity party and complain about the same things over and over again. I know who I am.

God’s plan is God’s plan. What’s for me will always be for me.

Social media breaks are so important. Unfollow people who make you feel inadequate. Stay away from the explore page. Don’t spend hours scrolling. Post and Go. Mental health matters. We cannot live our best lives when our mind is a mess. Clear your mind. Take care of you. Rest. Do things that genuinely bring you peace. Spend time with the ones you love. Work hard , but also.. REST.

Do you know who you are?

God made you for a reason. You are the best at being YOU. Never forget that.

Who Are You?

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If we took away your name and fancy job titles who would you be? Who are you when no one is watching?  Often times in life we get caught up chasing degrees, job titles, and everything else that we define as success just to lose ourselves in the process. We often catch ourselves running away from our problems and chasing the things that we think will make us happy in efforts to avoid reality. We somehow think that ignoring the facts will help us. Can I be honest? Nothing is going to help you as much as being true to yourself. You may be able to cover up who you really are to other people, but, when you go to sleep at night you still have to deal with you.

Who are you? Define yourself without any achievements. I am loving but I can also be a jerk at times. I am passionate. I am honest. I am lazy as heck at times. I am scared to get into another relationship. I feel ashamed for letting myself go. I seek validation and approval from the wrong things. I’m impatient. It’s hard for me to let people in but I make constant efforts to do so. I am fearless but full of fear sometimes, if that makes any sense. I used to define myself with everything that happened to me that I lost my own identity. I forgot who I was.

We are not what happened to us. I’m not any less of a woman because I was raped. I believed the lie that I was only good for sex which is why I always led with sex in all of my relationships. I threw myself on to men because I thought that’s the only way they would want me. I didn’t feel worthy of being loved because of what happened to me. I let that one event shape the way I viewed myself for a little over a decade. I felt unloved because my parents weren’t emotionally available. This led me to believe that I had to go above and beyond for other people to love me. These 2 things shaped the way I viewed myself for a very long time. My identity was in other people. My identity was in men, alcohol, and sex. I wasn’t me without any of those 3. Do you see how I lost my true self in the midst of the pain and shame?

The real me was hidden behind the guilt, shame , and pain. The real me is the me before my parents got divorced. The real me was the me before the rape. The real me was the me before life happened to me. I caught myself letting life happen to me. I didn’t take control of anything. I went with the flow and whatever happened, happened. One thing that has helped me tremendously is being intentional, Being intentional about my healing. Being intentional about accepting myself and who I really am. Accepting that I do love hard and I will not apologize for it. Accepting that I am an emotional person and I won’t apologize for it. Accepting that not everyone will like me or what I stand for and being absolutely okay with it.

I don’t hold a degree or a fancy job title. I don’t make large amounts of money. I don’t travel the world 4 times a year. I don’t have the perfect shape. My hair is a bit messy. I am loud and laugh even harder. I don’t apologize for who I am. I fought hard to be the real me. I fought to identify with my true self. I fought to accept me. I don’t want to be anyone else. I want to be better than the woman I was yesterday. I want to change the world one day and one person at a time, starting with myself. I want to transform myself to show others it can be done. I may not be who the world thinks I should be, but I am who God created me to be and I will not apologize for it. When you are in tune with your true self you don’t have to apologize for it. Love your life and continue to learn and grow.

If you don’t know who you are , this world will not have a problem telling you. Choose freedom and be true to who you really are. You will not regret it.

 

 

The mother wound.

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Where do we start? It seems like no one ever wants to touch this topic. It’s easier for us to talk about our father wounds. It’s easier to address your dad not being in your life the way you needed him to be. It seems like we can’t even talk about how our mothers failed us without feeling guilty. Our mothers went through immense pain to bring us into this world. Some mothers sacrificed a whole lot for their children. How dare we say our mothers failed us?

How?  EASY. By taking out your anger and frustration on your kids. Telling your kids over and over how you sacrificed so much for them. Putting a man before your children. Not being emotionally available. Not being able to be a good mother because you weren’t mothered well. Your idea of being a mother is feeding me and giving a place to live. thank you! I appreciate the food. I appreciate the warm house. I REALLY DO.

BUT MOM, I NEEDED MORE!

I needed your hugs. I needed your warm touches. I needed your love. I needed you to affirm me, instead you picked at the things that were wrong with me. Mom, I needed your time. I needed you to listen. I needed you to be my counselor. I needed your communication. I needed your soft side. I needed the part of you that you weren’t tapped into to. That’s what I needed.

Mom, I don’t know what you went through. I don’t know why you weren’t emotionally available, but, I forgive you. I can’t hold on to this forever. Every time I attempt to forgive you, you do something that reminds me how you may never change. That’s one of the hardest things to accept. Accepting that me and my mother may never have that amazing daughter and mother relationship hurts, A LOT.

I have to move on. I have to learn to appreciate you for who you are and what you do. I know I wasn’t the best daughter. I know I spent a majority of my adult life angry at you, I’m sorry. I know you can’t love me the way you never been loved. I know you didn’t mean to cause me any pain. I know you were doing your best. Even though your best was not what I needed, I appreciate it.

The mother wound cuts deep. Forgiving your mother is hard work. We automatically assume that our mothers should know better. Why have kids if you don’t know how to be a mother? Most of our mothers raise us the way their mothers raised them. Even though I wish I had a different type of relationship with my mother, her relationship with her mom is distant. Her mother isn’t emotionally available. All she does is criticize and talk about people. I get it. It’s not your fault. You gave me what your mother gave you. I’m sorry that your mom didn’t love you the way you needed to be loved, I’m sorry that you thought a mothers love only consisted of feeding you and giving you a place to live. I’m sorry that you missed out on two of the greatest relationships you could have experienced on this earth. One with your mother, and one with me.

I pray that God restores every broken mother – daughter relationship. I pray that we are able to love our mothers despite of what they can and cannot give us. I pray the Lord gives us all strength to forgive and let go of the pain that has held us back.

Here’s to all the women in the world trying to get answers. To all the women that feel unloved and unworthy. To all the women fighting for their breakthrough.

God sees you. Lean on him.