Donโ€™t give up.

As I sit here at my desk, on my laptop, listening to worship music, I can’t help but think….

My life has truly changed.

I never thought that I would have so much peace.

After getting sober in 2016 , my cousin passed away last year. I got hurt by “church” folks. I was depressed for the second half of the year. As much as I tried to get peace and joy , it was far from me.

I didn’t know what was going on. I was praying . I was going to church. I wanted to be happy. Where are you God? What’s going on? Why am I getting hurt by people, again?

I never stopped seeking God.

He restored me. I had to sit still. I had to stop trying so hard and just seek him in my vulnerability. I had to take a step back , see what God wanted me to do and not what Cristal wanted to do.

Often times, when things are going well , we seek God less. It’s almost like we think we don’t need God because life is good. I started this year seeking God and letting go of people that were not beneficial to my growth. Was it hard? Yes. But, my relationship with Christ is #1.

I know I have purpose. I know I have work to do for the kingdom. I know I can’t be distracted. I know that the friends that God has for me will push me towards greatness, not hold me back.

Sometimes you just have to sit still and think about how far God has brought you. I’m a different woman than I was in 2016. I just broke down in tears because I have PEACE. If God never gives me anything else, I will be okay with his PEACE. In this world, nothing matters to me more than my peace.

I’ve suffered. Alcoholism. Rape. Rejection. Abandonment. Heart break after break . Betrayals. Looking for a way out of darkness in everything but GOD. Looking for peace in a bottle and never found it. I looked for peace in a man and never found it. Filled up my life with friends and hangouts , still no peace. Peace can’t be found in anything but the creator of the universe. The creator of our souls. The one who breathed life into our nostrils. That’s where the peace is.

Everything starts to make sense. You now have purpose. You know you aren’t a mistake. Romans 8:28 makes so much sense now .

If you are going through a dark time, please don’t lose hope. Speak life and not death. Even if you don’t see a way out, speak the opposite. If you keep saying things won’t get better , they won’t. What you are going through right now is only temporary…

I promise. ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ™

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Forgive yourself.

We often talk about forgiving the ones that hurt us.

But, what about forgiving ourselves?

Forgiving ourselves for not making the best decisions.

Forgiving ourselves for getting into a bad relationship.

Forgiving ourselves for not losing the weight we said we were going to lose.

Forgiving ourselves for not finishing school.

Forgiving ourselves for making mistakes .

Forgiving ourselves for failing.

Forgiving ourselves for being HUMAN.

We all make mistakes . We all go through it.

Check out my latest YouTube video about forgiving yourself .

FORGIVE YOURSELF VIDEO!

Let this be the last year you beat yourself up for not being perfect. Let this be the last year you throw pity parties. Let 2019 be the year you rise up into the person God called you to be.

God bless and happy new year ๐ŸŽ† ๐ŸŽŠ

Another Childless Christmas.

Another Christmas. No baby. No husband .

One of the hardest times for me is always around Christmas. It never really hits me until the holidays. It never really hits me how bad I want to be a mother until now.

Yeah, I think about it through out the year and most times, I’m excited, and I say things like,

“I can’t wait to be a mom!”

Deep down within me I know I’m going to be a mom. But when? When is it going to be my turn?

I always want to be excited for new mothers and new wives , but, I would be lying if I said that I didn’t ask God questions. Questions like…

When is it going to be my turn?

Isn’t your will for me to have kids?

Don’t you want me to be married?

Don’t you want me to have a family?

Why is it taking so long?

I don’t know if I can wait any longer.

This hurts, God.

Times like this is when my faith gets tested. I desire to see my baby’s face in the morning on Christmas Day. I desire to sit in the living room with my family wearing matching pajamas and watching Christmas movies. I desire to have a family. i desire to bake cookies and go see Christmas lights. I desire the joy that comes from having my own family.

Yes, I’m not alone. I have family. But , having your own family is different. Your husband , your kids, your home, your traditions , your vacations, your dinners, everything is immersed with the family you built with your husband.

I always seem to get impatient around this time. I never thought that I would be 31 and STILL not have any children. It scares me sometimes like what if I don’t? What if it’s too late? What if I never meet the one? What if it doesn’t happen? What if I can’t get pregnant? what if my PCOS really doesn’t allow me to?

Can I live with that? I’m sure I’ll live, but, a part of me might always feel empty. Like the scriptures says …. a barren womb is never satisfied.

Lord, help me understand.

Give us peace this holiday season. ๐Ÿ’œ

Happy Monday!

Monday’s are often dreaded. Why?

Most likely because we aren’t living the lives that we are meant to live.

Everything in life has a purpose.

Your job is temporary.

You can always change it if you don’t like it .

You can always start a business.

You can change your life whenever you want.

I made a decision to stop letting “Monday” ruin my mood.

I’m alive and healthy.

I have my legs and arms.

I have a job that’s not stressful.

I have a family.

I have peace.

I have no drama in my life . ( Thank you Jesus!)

What does success look like to you?

Write it down and make a plan to get there.

Life is really what we make it.

Yes, it gets tough at times but that’s where we are made.

How can we appreciate how good life is if we never experience Hell first?

Peace is so much better when you know how easy it is for it to be taken from you.

Joy feels so much better when you know you weren’t always this joyful.

I appreciate my happiness a lot more because I know what it’s like to be depressed.

Life is a journey. The sooner we realize that, the sooner we can stop stressing over things that aren’t important.

It’s not a race. Slow down. Catch your breath. It’s all going to work out.

Enjoy your day . Crush MONDAY!

Why is food so addicting?

I woke up this morning in tears.

I’m tired of losing and gaining.

I’m tired of failing over and over .

I’m tired of losing a couple of lbs and then binging.

I’m tired of not having control over food.

It’s FOOD!! Not drugs. Not alcohol. Not sex .

BUT FOOD.

They tell me to just stop eating junk and work out.

They make it sound so easy.

The acts themselves are easy. But, you know what’s easier?

Not being disciplined.

Eating whatever you want because it’s been a bad day.

Making excuses for indulging in sweets because at least it’s not ALCOHOL.

Addiction sucks. The same behaviors that drive alcohol and drug addiction are the same behaviors that drive food addiction.

I never wanted to accept it. I never wanted to accept that I have a food problem. I was in denial.

After all, i deserve this treat!

I deserve to go out with my friends.

I deserve to have that soda.

I deserve to bake myself a cake.

I deserve it.

You know what I also deserve?

I deserve to be healthy.

I deserve to take care of my body.

I deserve to stop running.

I deserve to have a better life.

I don’t have to live like this.

I don’t have to keep going back and forth.

I don’t have to keep failing .

I don’t have to keep telling myself ” just one more time “

Why can’t I use the same energy that I used to beat alcohol addiction to beat food addiction?

I can and I will.

I know I can do this.

It’s about changing my mindset.

I want to live long.

I want to run without anything hurting.

I’m tired of being out of breath.

I’m tired of my feet hurting.

I’m tired of my hair falling out.

I’m tired.

I never wanted to accept that I might actually REALLY have an addiction problem. But .. I do.

Its time to stop running.

It’s time to be real.

It’s time to change for good.

It’s time to face my emotions.

It’s time to do the work.

After all, if I don’t do it, I will spend the rest of my life complaining about something that I can change.

I CAN CHANGE THIS.

I WILL CHANGE THIS.

I don’t care how many tears I cry, I will conquer this battle .

The same God that set me free from alcohol is the same God that will set me free from food .

I AM WORTHY๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ™

The Emotionally Absent mother.

alone

 

I’ve known my mother my whole life. She always fed me and she always gave me a place to live. I never thought I needed more until I got sober and realized I had immense emptiness within me. I’ve always struggled with feeling loved. I lived my life seeking validation and approval from men. The easiest way for me to feel loved was through men. It wasn’t real love.But, it was better than nothing.

I knew my relationship with my mom was broken. I couldn’t understand why. She was always around. She never denied me . She always called me to make sure I was okay. Face to face, she would never express her love for me. She never held me. She never looked me in my eyes and said, ” everything is going to be okay “. Instead,I was told I was too emotional. I was doing too much. I needed to get over it. I learned to not express myself.

Between my parents divorcing, being raped , alcohol addiction, struggles with food, andย  heart break, I’ve always felt alone. Both of my parents were alive and near, but, I still felt like an orphan. How could that be? I knew they loved me. They just didn’t know how to show it.

My mother didn’t get a chance to grow up. She didn’t get a chance to deal with her own stuff. She didn’t want to get married so soon. I know my mom loves me and my brother, but , she didn’t want kids. She has said it. She often said things like ” I couldn’t do whatever I wanted, I had you two to take care of.”ย ย  Almost like she blamed us for her lack of living life on her terms. I know she loves me , she just can’t emotionally show it.

I witness her and her mother interact. It is the same exact way me and her interact, cold.ย  I just finished reading, ย The Emotionally Absent Motherย .ย ย 

This book has explained so much. It helps me go from victim to acceptance. Accepting my mother as she is knowing that she did the best that she knew how to. I can’t live my life resenting my mother. The only one that will be held back is me. I have to nurture myself. I have to take care of Cristal. I have to love me. I have to support and encourage myself. I finally feel like I can appreciate my mom and enjoy the relationship we have.

Sometimes, we are super hard on our parents. Not realizing that they are human. My mom isn’t only my mom. My mom was a child. She is a sister, a daughter, a wife. She had a life before me. A life that shaped her into who she is. Whether she’s able to give me the love I need or not, it’s not a reason to be angry towards her. She had no idea how to mother. How can I hold her accountable for something that she didn’t know how to do?