Lord, I need you.



It’s so easy to get caught up. It’s so easy to go against God’s will for your life. Choosing to live for Christ has to be one of the toughest things I have ever done. This is about my soul. I don’t believe in Jesus because I want to be blessed. I don’t believe in the Christian faith because I want to love everybody and be at peace. That’s not it. Jesus calls us to pick up the cross and follow him. I have no idea when all this turned into self-help, but the Gospel is not that. This is not about bringing world peace. The cross divides, no way around it. This is about being selfless, not selfish. NOT EASY. 

When I look at the things that I say or do, I shock myself. I need Jesus. With him, I kinda have it together a couple of days out of the week, and, without him I’m a hot mess. I need God every second of the day. It’s easy for me to get impatient and do my own thing. “God, why are you taking so long to make this happen?” We often want God to do things now, which leads us to forget about what God is trying to teach us in this season. Even though I say God has set me free from the hurts of my past , if I don’t cling to Jesus, I go right back to that desperate girl who wants attention from any guy she can get it from. I’m tired of being single. I also want to have sex. I also want to be married. I also want to do God’s will , but, sometimes I don’t. This is real life.

Sometimes I want to throw in the towel. When I think about the world we live in and the pain that I go through, the pain that others go through, WHAT IS THE POINT? Sometimes, I want to go to the nearest liquor store and just forget about everything for a couple of hours. My life didn’t get easier, it got harder. So why do I still choose Christ? Because I’ve experienced him. Even though I fail him daily, I can’t ever go back. Even though, I haven’t conquered my issues with lust, I still seek him. I have no other option. What’s the other option? Going back to the world? NO, THANK YOU. We live in a sex crazed world with no rules. Everything we do is to the max and deal with the consequences later. When I am weak he is strong. Even though I still fail him, he does not give up on me.

I usually get caught up in being perfect. I feel like I need to have it all together to preach the gospel. How can I preach the gospel when I just watched porn? how can I preach the gospel when I’m quick to anger and not think about what I say? Sin separates us from God. Instead of me getting closer to the Lord when I mess up, I distance myself. I lose confidence. I start questioning who I am. I’m too dirty, I’m too messy, God is not happy with me right now. We make so many excuses, when in reality our father never leaves us. He wants us to turn from our ways. He wants us to grow in him. Is it hard? As long as we are in this flesh it will be hard. We all struggle with different things. No one is perfect, not even your pastor.

Lord, help me see myself the way you see me.

Lord, I need you. I need you because sometimes I want to do wrong even though I do love you. I want to get closer to you. I want to grow in you. I want to get back to that secret place. That place of perfect peace. That place of trusting you whole heartedly. That place of asking myself , ” is this pleasing to my Father?”. Lord, I need you EVERY SINGLE DAY. I turn from my ungodly ways and I trust you to give me the strength to keep my eyes on you and not what satisfies my flesh.







Sexual sin.

The least talked about subject in the church is sexual sin. The church does a great job at addressing every other topic, except this one. Grace is talked about in almost every sermon. We talk about blessings a lot more than we should. I know my God is going to favor me, now can you talk to me about not being led by my sinful nature.

We talk about tithing, divorce, marriage, addiction, serving, obedience, blessings, grace, mercy, and favor. But, why are we not addressing sexual sin? If you are going to push marriage in the church, we need to start talking about celibacy in the church as well. No one talks about it. I’ve been to numerous of churches in my life and NO ONE addresses this issue.

Why is this a touchy subject? What if my spouse never comes? What if I’m single for a couple of years before my spouse arrives? What do I do? Ok, I know sexual sin is bad. I know sex was meant for marriage. I Know about soul ties. I know the consequences of sexual sin, BUT.. MY FLESH STILL WANTS IT ! A lot of people get saved later on in life. We don’t all grow up in the church, we don’t all stay virgins, and, even if we did, we still get horny. Why is no one talking about this?

A lot of people are struggling with this in silence and it is driving me crazy. The fact that I don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone about this, is insane to me! What happened to discipleship? I know I’ve only been saved a little over a year, but , I do know a lot about discipleship. How do we expect people not to back-slide and indulge in sexual sin or any sin at that , if we aren’t willing to disciple them because it’s too inconvenient?

Why do we all want God’s favor, but , we don’t even want to die to our sinful nature? I love the Lord, but, I still want to have sex. Yes, I can pray. Yes. I can fast. Yes, I can read the Word of God. BUT, what happens when I don’t want to do that? What happens when I want to rebel against God? Who do I call? What do I do? I’ll just indulge in this real quick and repent later, honestly, A LOT of us think this way.

The reason why AA works is because you have accountability. Anytime you feel like you want to drink , you call your sponsor, AND, the support system in those rooms is out of this world. Why doesn’t the church have the same support? Why don’t we take discipleship serious in the church? We have to stop acting like sin isn’t fun. At the end of the day, we will continue to struggle with sin until Christ returns. We will never be perfect, but, our main objective is to be like the Son of God, Jesus Christ.


It comes at a cost.

My days  have been pretty good lately,  but , if it’s not one thing it’s another. This week I felt attacked by someone who I’m pretty close to, so I was dwelling in that for a few days . I believe in God , Jesus Christ , and the Holy Spirit ; 3 in one. My faith comes from my experience with the Lord. My beliefs don’t come from someone who told me about Jesus. My beliefs come from experiencing the powerful transformation of Jesus Christ from the inside out.

Some people don’t agree with my beliefs and that’s okay. I don’t force anyone to believe in what I believe in . If you don’t like what I post on any of my social media posts , you can simply unfollow. I talk about Christ because I know that this world needs Jesus more than ever. People don’t believe for a whole bunch of different reasons. Some believe but live like they don’t believe. We are all in a process and I’m not here to judge, but, if you come to me about your problems I will give you advice , but, I will also point you to Jesus. All I ask is for you to respect my beliefs just like I respect everyone else’s .

This week I felt like someone was trying to get me to doubt my beliefs. The person isn’t an atheist , he believes in a God but not THE God. We can do an infinite amount of research about Jesus and God and we will get a ton of information. What is true? Honestly, we will NEVER know. That’s why it’s called FAITH. We live in a time where people want answers. Everyone wants to know EVERYTHING, BUT, do we really want to know everything? I guess what the person I was speaking with wanted was proof. I don’t have that proof. If you choose not to believe because you don’t have solid proof, that’s on you and you have missed the whole message of THE GOSPEL. The Word of God is real and very much alive. My testimony is proof. When I start to doubt God, I see how other people’s lives were changed because of the Gospel and It gives me so much joy!

Jesus Christ is not about religion. It is not about following a set of rules to get you to heaven. Jesus Christ is the proof that God sent in human form to show us just how much he loves us. We are not perfect and we will never be. Jesus died on that cross because he loved us. (John 3:16) God knew we needed Jesus. God knew that without sending his one and only son there would be no hope in humanity. Jesus experienced every single thing we experience on this earth. Shame, abandonment, embarrassment, anger, betrayal, pain, etc. Just let it all go and follow Christ. He heals the broken-hearted. The same power that rose Jesus Christ from the dead lives in every single one of us (Romans 8:11). Jesus died so we can be set free from everything that holds us back.

John 13:35 – Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.

The person apologized and I forgave him. I may have felt attacked but maybe he really wanted to know more. It’s okay if people don’t understand, we can help them understand. It’s also okay if we don’t have all the answers. God showed me yesterday that this isn’t about me. This is about God’s love for his children. I refuse to let relationships end because of my faith, never. I will love like Jesus loved, even if they don’t love me back.


Should Christians Drink?


My personal conviction is to stay away from alcohol. To me, Jesus and “turn up” just doesn’t go together. Other people think it is absolutely okay to drink. Some even say it is okay as long as you don’t get drunk. So, is getting tipsy okay? Is there really a grey area? Are we seeing how close we can get to sin without sinning? According to the Bible it tells us numerous of things.  The Bible tells us three things about alcohol. The Bible tells us to stay alert and sober-minded, but, it also tells us to drink wine and be merry, AND, it also tells us not to get drunk. Getting drunk is the sin, having a drink is not.

I’ve lived depending on alcohol since 16. Nothing good ever came from drinking. I can probably count on one hand the times that I’ve had only one drink. Those times were very rare for me. I never saw the point in drinking if I wasn’t getting drunk. This is coming from someone who abused alcohol her whole life, so, my outlook on alcohol is totally different from someone who has never experienced the dangers of alcohol.

My problem with Christians drinking comes in when we are getting together and doing the same things the people of this world are doing. I know for a fact that God set us apart to be different and not like this world. I also know people claim Christianity as a religion only and their life doesn’t reflect any of it. I look at Christianity as living for Christ and doing everything to honor him and bring glory to his name. I have to be Holy in all that I do, not because I HAVE to, but, because I want to. Loving God with all of my being and knowing my identity in him makes a HUGE difference. I am still a sinner and I will never be perfect, but, that does not mean I could do whatever I want. I have standards now. My life is way bigger than me. My purpose is way bigger than me. I’m no longer living for me. When we claim Christ we really have to stop using GRACE to justify our ungodly ways.

This past week I was in a situation that made me very uncomfortable. I went out with a  whole bunch of Christians from the church and they were all drinking. That is a problem for me. Maybe, I went into the whole situation without really thinking about it. The thought of alcohol being present didn’t even cross my mind, I just figured they weren’t drinkers.  I thought WRONG. I want to be a Christian every day of my life, not just on Sundays.

One thing that this walk has taught me so far is that you really cannot let people get in the way of your faith. We are all humans and we are all flawed. The mistake I made was assuming that people automatically lived a certain type of lifestyle because they attend church. I should have known better. Church is a place of healing not perfection. We all go to church because we are all in need of the same thing, JESUS. I need to continue to be careful with who I surround myself with, whether they are Christians or not, nothing changes.

Sobriety is not the easiest thing in the world. Being sober AND living for Jesus is so frowned upon in today’s society. God made me to be different. I’m set a part and my calling is to bring out the best in other women with Christ being in the center of it all. He is the only way. Almost 3 months sober and my life has changed drastically, I love it! I don’t want to be like everyone else. I will constantly get tested in my walk. As long as God keeps putting breath in my body I will continue to pick up the cross and follow him NOT people.

I will say this over and over again. Your identity is in Christ,  not in men, sex, drugs, jobs, alcohol, food, or porn. This world will tell you that this is what you need, this is what makes you feel good, but…. IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH.  I could of easily started drinking again and thought nothing of it because other Christians were doing it, but, no.

James 1 :3 – You know that when your faith is tested your endurance has a chance to grow.