Another Childless Christmas.

Another Christmas. No baby. No husband .

One of the hardest times for me is always around Christmas. It never really hits me until the holidays. It never really hits me how bad I want to be a mother until now.

Yeah, I think about it through out the year and most times, I’m excited, and I say things like,

“I can’t wait to be a mom!”

Deep down within me I know I’m going to be a mom. But when? When is it going to be my turn?

I always want to be excited for new mothers and new wives , but, I would be lying if I said that I didn’t ask God questions. Questions like…

When is it going to be my turn?

Isn’t your will for me to have kids?

Don’t you want me to be married?

Don’t you want me to have a family?

Why is it taking so long?

I don’t know if I can wait any longer.

This hurts, God.

Times like this is when my faith gets tested. I desire to see my baby’s face in the morning on Christmas Day. I desire to sit in the living room with my family wearing matching pajamas and watching Christmas movies. I desire to have a family. i desire to bake cookies and go see Christmas lights. I desire the joy that comes from having my own family.

Yes, I’m not alone. I have family. But , having your own family is different. Your husband , your kids, your home, your traditions , your vacations, your dinners, everything is immersed with the family you built with your husband.

I always seem to get impatient around this time. I never thought that I would be 31 and STILL not have any children. It scares me sometimes like what if I don’t? What if it’s too late? What if I never meet the one? What if it doesn’t happen? What if I can’t get pregnant? what if my PCOS really doesn’t allow me to?

Can I live with that? I’m sure I’ll live, but, a part of me might always feel empty. Like the scriptures says …. a barren womb is never satisfied.

Lord, help me understand.

Give us peace this holiday season. 💜

Pcos at it again!

For those that do not know, I was diagnosed with Pcos at the age of 16. Through out the years, I did not take care of myself at all. I drank like a fish and ate really bad. When you don’t feel something physically, you tend to ignore it. I lived like I didn’t have PCOS. Long story short, I did not take care of myself and NOW I am paying for it.

Polycystic ovary syndrome is a problem in which a woman’s hormones are out of balance. It can cause problems with your periods and make it difficult to get pregnant. PCOS also may cause unwanted changes in the way you look. If it isn’t treated, over time it can lead to serious health problems, such as diabetes and heart disease.

Most women with PCOS grow many small cysts on their ovaries. That is why it is called polycystic ovary syndrome. The cysts are not harmful but lead to hormone imbalances.

My hair has been falling out for some time now. I noticed it about 6-7 months ago, but it wasn’t that bad. It was more than normal, but , it was nothing to cry about. These past 2 weeks have been tough for me, my hair is everything! I love my curls. I love big hair ! And now, I’m suffering the consequences of not taking care of myself for so long. Between depression and getting sober, this year was a little bit tough. I’m seeing the light and I thank God for that every single day. I feel like I’ve conquered my demons. I’ve stopped running and dealt with everything head on. 2017 has been a year of growth and healing. I am super proud of myself for getting to where I am at now. PCOS will not be the reason why I’m miserable.

When I washed my hair and realized how much hair I was losing, I cried. I cried because it was random. How is this happening, God? What is wrong with me? I panicked. I had a feeling it was due to my PCOS, but, I was also thinking , what if it’s something else? It wasn’t. It’s my PCOS acting up. I’ve been through a lot. I’ve fought like crazy to get to where I am at, the last thing I will do is be sad about this whole situation. At the end of the day, it’s just hair. As long as I keep up with my workouts and clean eating I will be okay and my hair problem will fix itself.

So for all my PCOS sisters out there, take care of yourself. You may not see any side effects now, but , they will appear if you continue to neglect your health. Food is so important when it comes to treating our PCOS, do your research, and put YOU first.

Treat your body like crap, and it will fail you.

I’m doing this for me and my future family. I will lose weight, I will get healthy, and I will have beautiful baby’s one day!

If you have PCOS, do not give up on yourself. You are amazing and you will become a mother. God’s timing is everything. Do everything you have to do on your part, and, God will do the rest.

God bless you.

 

 

I have PCOS and I am happy!

My cousin’s daughter was born today and I am happy about it! This is a big deal for me. When I heard of people getting pregnant and giving birth in the past I would pretend to be happy about it. Deep down inside I was not so happy. I was mad and bitter. I remember one time I came home from a night of heavy drinking, I logged on to social media, and I came across a status about someone having a baby. That’s when I lost it. Only because I knew this person was not capable of being a good parent. How can everyone get pregnant and have baby’s so easy when I can’t get pregnant to save my life.

I was hurt. I was mad at God. Am I not suppose to have a child? I’m a woman, I’m suppose to bring life into this world. If I don’t bring life into this world I failed as a woman. This is the sad reality that a lot of women go through. It sucks. Deep down you know you want to be a mother but you can’t get pregnant. I tried to get pregnant twice and I’m glad it never happened. I’m glad it never happened because I was not mentally stable to have a child. If I would have had a child when I wanted to I’m almost sure I would have ruined that child’s life. A drunk binge eating depressed momma, yeah that would have worked out great. Thank you Lord for not answering those prayers. This makes me think about how amazing God truly is. I wasn’t ready at that time. He was looking out for me. I didn’t get it then, but, I get it now.

Not knowing if I would ever be a mother was one of the reasons why I acted out the way I did. I didn’t care about anything, I didn’t want to face reality so I kept trying to numb the pain. I barely talked about this to anybody. I talked about it mainly when I was drunk. My girls would say things like ” it’s okay” , “you’re still young” , “being a parent is not as easy as it looks”, ” it’s hard work”, “enjoy your freedom” , etc. None of that made me feel better. I still wanted to have a baby. It’s a very touchy subject, unless you are experiencing the same struggle it’s one of those things that you would not be able to understand. You can comfort me as much as you can but this is when I need you to relate with me, to feel my pain, cry with me. The pain at times was unbearable. Failed relationship after failed relationship, no one I could have a baby with. I would walk around and act like it didn’t bother me when someone would ask me about kids. I would say things like, ” I’m enjoying this time, it’s a blessing.”. That was a lie . I never looked at it as a blessing until this year. I got diagnosed with PCOS when I was 16, doctors told me 13 years ago I would struggle to conceive naturally. I didn’t realize at that time how much I would suffer because of it.

Today I am a follower of Jesus. I put my trust in him and him alone. I only wanted a baby because I thought it would make me happy. I wanted a man because I thought he would complete me. My reasons for wanting these things were not good enough reasons. I wanted kids and a husband to fill a void. I was setting myself up for a tough reality check.

I do want children one day and I am trusting God with that. I surrender every single part of my life to him. I can’t sit around and be sad about it anymore. I found my freedom in Christ and I am not going to dwell on the things I cannot change. I did that for a very long time and it got me nowhere. I am finally free, I am content, and I am at peace. God is all I need. He is my healer, my provider, and every other amazing thing you can think of. He will work everything out for my good ( Romans 8:28).

I am excited for what’s to come in my life. The ups and the downs, they all matter. They all shape you into the person you are meant to be. God is with you all. Never give up and trust him, even when it is the hardest thing to do.

 

 

hope.

I was diagnosed with PCOS at the age of 16. Polycystic ovarian syndrome is a condition in which a woman’s levels of the sex hormones estrogen and progesterone are out of balance. This leads to the growth of ovarian cysts. PCOS can cause problems with a women’s menstrual cycle, fertility, cardiac function, and appearance.

When I got this diagnosis I didn’t really care because I was young. In my 20’s I tried to get pregnant twice and it just didn’t happen naturally. I thank God I didn’t get pregnant because I never really knew how to pick them. It’s okay, I’m learning now a days. A lot of my depression in my 20’s came from not having children. All I ever wanted was a child. I never found someone who I could see myself having a child with so I never took further steps to get pregnant. To be honest, I just wanted a child because I thought it would make me happy. I have no idea why I thought that. Children are blessings but I don’t think they are a cure to your problems and your feelings of inadequacy/unhappiness. 

I’m only 29 and I’ve suffered A LOT! I’ve dealt with a whole bunch of heartache, depression, alcohol abuse, mental abuse, and anything else us adults can possibly go through. I never thought that I was enough. I never thought I was worthy. I never thought I was valuable. I just settled for anything life threw at me. I accepted my life for what it was and just dealt with it by drinking. I wasn’t able to make a child so I wasn’t worthy. What kind of woman cannot have a child? Isn’t that a woman’s main purpose? These were my thoughts for about 9 years. Failed relationship after failed relationship, I can’t even get a man to marry me, I’m definitely not worth it. Everyone else is getting engaged, pregnant, married, and, here I am throwing back this alcohol because I can’t stand the thought of being sober and being a complete failure.

Every single day I woke up wanting to hide from the world. The easiest way to do that was to drink and be “happy”. People didn’t see all the tears that I cried behind closed doors, people didn’t see me contemplating suicide in my own room, people did not see all the darkness within me. To everyone else my life was perfect. Living at home, no children, no husband, no “real” responsibility, I’m doing great according to them. I fought so many battles internally that I have no idea how I’m still alive. ONLY BY THE GRACE OF GOD.

Ever since I surrendered my whole life to Jesus things have been so different. Before, I depended on myself and my own decisions to get me through life. I was trying to figure it all out on my own, I was trying to force relationships, friendships, and everything else in my life, I was trying to control EVERYTHING. My journey is only about 2 months in but I am at peace. I’m not stressing about being single and finding a husband. I’m not stressing about the fact that my “clock is ticking”, I’m not stressing the fact that I’m almost 30 and I have no sign of husband or kids in my near future. See, I now know that if God would have gave me a husband and a child when I was mentally unstable I would have destroyed everything. I WAS NOT READY. If it is in God’s plan for my life I know it will happen. I put my trust and faith in him and him only, us humans are flawed and we will never meet each others needs 100%. One thing I can tell you though, is that through all the bad decisions, the hurt, the addictions, and the mental abuse, God showed me who and what I was putting my faith and trust in. I was depending on everything but him. I went through all of that and it led me to JESUS. I don’t regret a thing.

I may have a child one day, I may not. I may get married one day, I may not. I don’t know. What I do know is that I AM ENOUGH, I found my identity in Christ, and, as long as I have him I don’t NEED anything else. I now live with purpose, I now know my place in this world. I now know that this season is not a curse it is a blessing. I get to live for JESUS 100%,  that is the only reward I need.

Take care of your mind, body, and spirit.

God has a plan for your life.

JOHN  8:12- “I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life.”

ROMANS 8:28 – God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love him.

I AM HIGHLY FAVORED.