How many people can honestly say that they are scared of being loved properly? Scared of letting someone get too close to them. Scared of being vulnerable. Scared of the outcome, so you end everything that can get serious and stay to yourself.
I’ve conquered loving myself. I’ve conquered knowing who I am In Christ. I’ve conquered loving others. I’ve healed. I got to the point where I am content exactly where I am. No complaints. But, I still have one fear…
I have no problem meeting new people. I have no problem building friendships and/or connections. I do have a problem with letting a man get close to me, though. I have this thing where I really don’t trust men nor respect them. I know it stems from my past experiences with the men in life, I honestly never thought it was this bad until recently. I know we all have some type of fear of heartbreak, but, this is next level. I’d rather stay single and succeed in life without a man. The crazy part about this is that I do want to be married to an amazing man one day.
All I know is that I don’t want to be abandoned again. I rather play it safe. I know in life we must take risks. I know it’s better to love than not love at all. But, how do I trust and respect a man when in the hands of a man I was raped. My dad left me at 18. My brother left me at 20 because he got someone pregnant young. The last man I looked up to and trusted, left. I was left alone. My mom could never fill the role of a man. A man protects you. A man builds you up. A man leads you. I had none. So, I started looking for that in the streets. It led to 10 years of alcohol abuse and broken relationships. How do you properly heal from the pain you’ve endured in the hands of men? I know I wasn’t an angel , but I do have a reason to be mad as hell about being misguided. For my dad leaving me when I needed him most. For my brother leaving me when I needed him most. Mad as hell for being used and abused in the hands of men. How do I let all this go?
How do I not put all men in the same category when all the men I’ve encountered are in the same category?
Lord, I’m going to need your help with this one.