Abandoned.

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How many people can honestly say that they are scared of being loved properly? Scared of letting someone get too close to them. Scared of being vulnerable. Scared of the outcome, so you end everything that can get serious and stay to yourself.

I’ve conquered loving myself. I’ve conquered knowing who I am In Christ. I’ve conquered loving others. I’ve healed. I got to the point where I am content exactly where I am. No complaints. But, I still have one fear…

Being abandoned.

I have no problem meeting new people. I have no problem building friendships and/or connections. I do have a problem with letting a man get close to me, though. I have this thing where I really don’t trust men nor respect them. I know it stems from my past experiences with the men in life, I honestly never thought it was this bad until recently. I know we all have some type of fear of heartbreak, but, this is next level. I’d rather stay single and succeed in life without a man. The crazy part about this is that I do want to be married to an amazing man one day.

All I know is that I don’t want to be abandoned again. I rather play it safe. I know in life we must take risks. I know it’s better to love than not love at all. But, how do I trust and respect a man when in the hands of a man I was raped. My dad left me at 18. My brother left me at 20 because he got someone pregnant young. The last man I looked up to and trusted, left. I was left alone. My mom could never fill the role of a man. A man protects you. A man builds you up. A man leads you. I had none. So, I started looking for that in the streets.  It led to 10 years of alcohol abuse and broken relationships. How do you properly heal from the pain you’ve endured in the hands of men? I know I wasn’t an angel , but I do have a reason to be mad as hell about being misguided. For my dad leaving me when I needed him most. For my brother leaving me when I needed him most. Mad as hell for being used and abused in the hands of men. How do I let all this go?

How do I not put all men in the same category when all the men I’ve encountered are in the same category?

Lord, I’m going to need your help with this one.

 

 

 

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Tired of trying.

Being the bigger person is hard. Trying to explain to your parents why they hurt you is hard. Forgiving them because they just don’t understand is hard. I’m tired of saying I’m sorry. I’m tired of being the adult in every situation. I’m tired of showing grace because people don’t know any better. I’m tired .

Forgiving and letting go is a lot easier when you don’t have to speak or see the person ever again. The ones close to us are usually the hardest to forgive. They are the ones that drive us crazy in every way possible. We set so many expectations on the ones who we think should know and do better that when they fail us we crumble.

Some days I wish I could go far away and start a brand new life. But, how selfish would that be? I know the people in my life love me. I know they are trying their best even though their best is not what I need or even want at times. I don’t know what to do. I feel like every single time I make progress something happens that sets me back. Is it really a set back or am I giving way too much attention to the wrong things? Lord help me. I’m trying. I really am.

My birthday is 5 days away and I’m excited about my 31st year on this earth, but, I’m also not looking forward to it because I don’t even remember the last time I was celebrated. I always celebrate myself and I have no problem doing so, but I would be lying if I said a surprise wouldn’t be appreciated. Every day God continues to show me how I need to continue to trust him. It’s hard at times but I have to keep going . Even when I don’t understand things I have to trust him.

I know that all things will be worked out for my good. People are always so quick to point out the bad in me, no one attempts to understand me and it’s frustrating. I don’t get upset for no reason. My mood doesn’t change for no reason. Instead of judging me and calling me crazy ask me “why?” . Why do I lash out at you? Most of us are so busy thinking everyone else is at fault that we don’t even acknowledge the part we had to play in it.

Lord help us.

HELP! I’m depressed.

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What exactly is depression? Having a bad few days doesn’t classify as depression. We all have good days and bad days. We all have days we want to give up. Life is one big rollercoaster, so, when exactly do I consider myself depressed?

Depression can be different for everybody. Some people isolate. Some people laugh and are always around people, so how would you tell? you can’t. Do not assume that just because someone is smiling that they are truly happy. It is so important to ask people how they are doing. Instead of liking their pics online, go to their house, go out to eat, talk.

We have to start the conversation. We have to start asking people how they are mentally. We have to stop beating around the bush. We have to stop and listen to people. We have to make time. We are so busy now a days that we use business as an excuse as to why we don’t reach out. This life will pass you by. Your loved ones will die one day.

Depression is like being in a deep dark hole, feet stuck in cement, you are trying to crawl out of it but you just CAN’T! So how do we overcome? How do we beat depression? EFFORT! We cannot give up. We cannot isolate ourselves. We have to talk about our feelings. We have to speak up. You will never overcome anything in silence. You will not overcome in isolation. The more we reveal the more we heal.

We have to stop the shame that comes with mental health. We are all messed up in one way or another. Life is hard. The pressures of life are REAL. But, that’s why we have each other, to help one another move forward. You are never alone. Depression doesn’t have to consume you, there’s life after depression. Take it one day at a time. You got this.

I only beat depression by taking full responsibility for my healing. I stopped expecting everyone else to love me. I stopped expecting people to save me. I stopped being the victim. I looked at my diagnosis as a rough part of my life that I just had to overcome. I knew deep down within me that I was made for more. I lost hope but then God showed me that I was made for more. I thank God for coming into my life and showing me the light. God healed me. When the doctors told me I had to get treatment and go to rehab, I knew God had a different plan for me. It was the hardest 2 years. I thought dealing with the depression was hard enough, but, overcoming the depression was even harder. I didn’t have any energy to fight.

But God made a way when there was no way! 

 

Holiday Loneliness.

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It’s that time of year! The time when men start proposing to the woman they want to spend the rest of their lives with. The time when family’s take the cutest family photos. The time when people are posting pictures of their baby’s first Thanksgiving/Christmas. The time when there’s happiness all over the place, but, somehow you find yourself being a little sad.

Sad because it’s not you. Sad because you are still single. Sad because you have no family. Sad because you want kids but can’t have them. Sad because this is the first holiday season without a loved one. Sad because you thought “THIS HOLIDAY” season would be different. This season you thought you would be bringing a significant other to the festivities so your family can get off your back, but, it’s not happening. Sad because you might be going through a breakup and the person you once loved will not be with you this year. There’s A LOT of reasons to be sad around the holidays. Please be kind. Please pour love on to others. If you don’t know what to say or do, just love on people.

The holidays can be very hard for some people. If people don’t want to attend certain events. don’t force them. Let people cope the best way they know how. Ask them how you can be there for them. If they refuse your help, drop a gift off, send edible arrangements, let them know that they are loved. You never know what someone is going through, and , if I can be honest some people ask questions that you don’t even want to address for your own personal reasons.

Prayer and love will get people through. If you know someone doesn’t have family or is going through a rough time, invite them over. I love inviting people to my family’s house. Some people decline because they rather be with their own family, but for whatever reason they aren’t. This time of year can be hard.

I pray for all the people who are going through a rough time right now. I wish I could fix and heal everything that you are facing, but , I can’t. Lean on God. Pray. Cry if you have too.  Allow yourself to be vulnerable and feel. It is okay. Even if you don’t want to be around people, do something nice for yourself. Make yourself dinner, pamper yourself, take care of YOU.

I never thought that I would still be single at 30, but HEY, I am. I would love to have a husband and little kids running around but it’s just not my time. I will ask God to give me strength in this season and to celebrate other people’s blessings. If you are single, rejoice in it. One day you won’t be. One day you will be asking God for some “me time”. We are in a season of thankfulness. If you don’t have anything to be thankful for , think. Sit quietly, talk to God, and , just sit still.

I’m thankful for the new life God has given me. I’m thankful for my sobriety. I’m thankful that God is restoring my relationship with my mother. I’m thankful that I’m no longer depressed. I’m thankful for being alive and walking in God’s will. I may not have some of my deepest hearts desires, but , God has given me exactly what I need at this very moment. Peace and family.

 

 

Highs and lows.

I don’t really like to call myself bipolar. I don’t like it because I don’t want to be a victim to it. I don’t want to use being bipolar as an excuse as to why I do the things that I do. More than 5 million people have bipolar disorder , and , that’s not including the ones that haven’t been diagnosed.

One of the main reasons I stopped drinking was because of my highs and lows. Even though I was depressed a lot more, when I had manic episodes they were pretty intense. Now that I’m sober it’s A LOT easier to deal with. I’m normally a high energy type of person, but being in a manic episode is different. It’s not just being full of energy, it’s being full of energy plus wanting to indulge in reckless behavior and thinking you’re unstoppable x 10! If I was drinking I wouldn’t think twice about acting out, but, because I’m more aware of my own thoughts and behaviors I’m able to deal with them the best way that I could.

I know that this episode will pass. They always do. I thank God that I got sober . I’m not really for medication , I personally don’t believe I need it. I do believe that as humans, we should definitely learn our own patterns and behaviors. We should learn them so we can be aware of ourselves. Knowing our triggers is so important. I can go get a prescription to control my mood swings , but, it doesn’t really deal with the core issue of the problem. I’m loving who I am as person. This is who God made me to be and I don’t think nothing is wrong with me. I’m human and sometimes we just have these days. Getting sober saved my life in a lot of ways, so I thank God for that every single day.

None of us are perfect and we are all different in our own way. You are who God created you to be and that’s it. Can we heal and be better? Absolutely. Will we be perfect with no flaws? Never.

Appreciate who you are. Love yourself. Who cares what other people think. Talking to therapists and psychologists is great, just understand that at the end of the day you have to appreciate and love who you are . You have to deal with yourself for the rest of your life. We have all experienced some form of abuse, trauma, or hurt. Everything we have been through shaped us into the people we are today. We can use it alllll for good. We can use all the pain and turn it into power. When I’m in a manic episode , I take advantage and get things done. When I’m feeling low , I pray and write and I believe that it will pass . It always does. If you don’t remember anything else, remember this… IT ALWAYS PASSES.

Pain.

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How did I get here? How did we get here? Why are humans so cruel to one another? Why do we disrespect one another and treat each other like we don’t even matter. I think about the pain I’ve endured, and , that’s just a little bit of the pain that’s going on in this world. So many people are hurting. So many people are broken. So many people have lost hope. So many people wake up with the same attitude as the day before, with no intention to do better. Why do we think that this is the cycle of life? We wake up, go to work, come home, cook, watch tv, take care of our families, and do the same exact thing the next day.

I don’t know about you, but, it drives me crazy when my days start to look the same. It shows me that I have nothing going on. I need passion. I need drive. I need hope. I need to have something that makes me wake up in the morning and be filled with joy. I cannot sit back and do nothing. We all work, that’s where we spent a majority of our lives at. Can I be honest? Working sucks. If you are doing what you love, that’s a different story. I’m talking about the ones that dread going to work everyday, the ones that complain about their jobs every chance they get, the ones that simply hate their lives. What if we did everything that we wanted to do? What if we stopped being scared? What if we weren’t afraid to fail? What if we all did the things that we truly love? What if we all loved one another despite of how we treat one another? Would the world be a better place? Yes! Simply, because we would all be walking in our God-given purpose.

What got in the way? Kids are so excited about life. Kids have so much passion. Kids jump off couches and beds with no care in the world. Kids believe they can do anything ! What happened to that child? what happened to you that made you doubt yourself? what happened to you that made you lose your confidence? Where did it all go wrong?

We didn’t come in to this world scared, angry, bitter, resentful ,depressed, psychotic, etc. Life did that. Life messed us up. Parents that were hurting messed us up. People that didn’t know how to love messed us up. People that lost hope messed us up. Can we recover? Through all the pain, hurt, and betrayals; can we go back to how we once were? Excited about life. If you are anything like me, you’ve felt like giving up or maybe you already gave up. Life is hard. We are all trying to figure it out.

On this journey of growth, I’ve learned one thing…..

Just because I am changing, it does not mean everyone else is.

That’s hard to accept at times. It’s hard because some people’s pain, won’t let them see the good side of you. Their pain wont let them be happy for you. Their pain, won’t let them encourage and celebrate you. Under all that pain, is the real them. Don’t take it personal, pain changes us. Some of us decide to dig deep and deal with our pain so we can be better human beings, but some of us don’t. Some people lose to their pain.