I was always “that” girl. I was always popular. I was the life of the party. Everyone always wanted to be where I was at, people just loved being around me. I never spent time alone because I was always out and about with any and everybody, I just loved being around people. The biggest lie about the party life is that you really think you have friends. You are never alone, you always have someone to talk to, and, you definitely always have people to drink with. Dating is so easy when you’re a party girl. Meeting men is no problem at all. Whether they are men of quality or not, that’s a different story. Physically, you are never alone. If you are not careful with your habits, your life will pass you by so fast. I knew the years were passing by, I just didn’t think anything of it because I was having a blast. 10 years passed.
I’m 29 now. I am sober. I don’t really have any friends, but, that’s cool. At first it was so hard to be by myself. I didn’t know how much I actually depended on people until I spent time by myself. I didn’t want to be alone, I kept reaching out to people, and, I kept dating men that were no good for me. I guess I had a fear of being alone. Feeling alone made me feel unwanted, unlovable, and, unworthy. It could go back to my parents divorce and my dad leaving to Puerto Rico, but, that’s for another post. All I remember was that it was not a good feeling, I cried so much. I tried explaining to people how I felt and nobody got it. I was so depressed, no one was reaching out to me which made it worse. I really thought nobody cared. I was in a very bad place. All those times I was there for people and now when I need people the most no one is here. Where is everyone?
I started reading The Bible. Well, I actually read a lot of self-help books first. They did not help what so ever. I have a lot of self-help books in my house, but, none of them actually worked. This is why I believe the power within us comes from an outside source. This is why I believe that there is something so much greater than us humans. The way I feel now, the confidence that I have, the habits that are falling off, the changes that are happening are all coming from seeing my worth in God’s eyes. I tried to do everything on my own for so long and I could never get things done. Do you ever notice how when you try to do everything on your own with no help what so ever, you feel so overwhelmed? You feel tired, mentally you are drained. Physically you are worn out. Something inside of me always knew that there was something greater than us. I always knew life was so much more than what we are told. We are amazing human beings called to love and serve one another. The reason why we drain ourselves out is because everything is about us, we rely on our own strength, we want to do a million things and drive ourselves crazy when we don’t get it done. Realistically, you just need to relax. We live in a world where everything is now. We want everything when we want it. We don’t understand that everything is a process. One thing God has taught me is that everything happens for a reason.
You cannot control everything.
The greatest thing about spending time alone is that at the end of the suffering comes something so much greater. It kind of almost makes the suffering worth it. Some things you aren’t meant to understand. I was wondering why my ex hurt me so bad, why my best friend betrayed me, why did I continuously keep getting hurt by the people I loved the most? Like, why? I almost didn’t think there was an actual God. I mean, why would such a loving God let this happen, right? Well, that’s why free will is so amazing. We all make our choices, things happen, you can’t control everything. Things fall a part when you try to control it all. Not everyone has the same heart as you, people are hurting out here. Hurt people hurt people. Whatever is in your heart will flow out. Now, I just pray for people. I don’t get mad if someone says something I don’t like, or if someone talks about me. I understand that their problem is not with me, it is within themselves.
Freeing my mind from alcohol, smoking, and sex has been such a great experience. You can’t think straight when you are not taking care of yourself. Whether we want to accept it or not a lot of us abuse our own bodies. Our minds are so toxic because of our toxic habits. Whatever you feed is what will control you. Sex is one thing that can have a lot of power over you. Homes are destroyed because of the power of sex. Sex can have a very strong hold on you. Sex is the reason why a lot of people stay in unhealthy situations.
Food is one thing that always had power over me. I don’t want anything to have power over me except God. Food has a lot of power over a lot of people. Some people don’t have problems with drugs, sex, or alcohol, but, they have an addiction to food. We have to think about these things and make ourselves better every single day. God gave us one body. We should cherish that and treat it like the temple that it is. Food has always been an issue for me. Binge eating is a mental illness that is also linked to depression. I am slowly getting freed from binge eating. I stop eating when I am satisfied, that is major! I never ever did that. God is good.
Spend time alone. Spend time with God. You are so much more than what this world says you are. Do not let this world define you. You are your own person. You were uniquely made. You were created for the best of the best. You were created to breathe life into others. You were created to be happy, joyful, and full of life. Don’t take your alone time for granted, it can be a beautiful thing if you let it.
Anything is possible.
You just have to start.