I just want to get drunk. Tonight is one of those nights where having a few drinks to just forget about everything would be AMAZING! My day started off so great! I went to 2 church services. I prayed , I worshiped and I was just so grateful.
That didn’t last long.
Of course, holidays call for family time! Now that I am sober, people are a lot less tolerable 😩😩😩. I wish people could really understand me . I feel so misunderstood in my family . No one has ever admitted to being broken, depressed, or addicted to anything. In my family everybody is great and life is amazing. I just want to know what life they are living because I want parts. Growing up Hispanic everything is very old school I guess . If you show emotions or get hurt by a comment , you’re soft and need to toughen up. It’s like I’m wrong for having feelings. If they have a heart of steel I just want to know why I don’t have it .
I’m the one that’s always over reacting . I’m the one that gets annoyed very fast. That’s true. People , especially family , can say the craziest things. Family members have this habit of treating you however they want because they’re family. Certain spouses are very loose at the mouth with their comments and I be ready to fight. (Lord forgive me) 😩😂 no, but seriously, I just leave . I leave because I know that if I say something , it’s not going to turn out nice. I love my family , but, I can’t stand them without alcohol in my system. Is that bad? I notice that my tolerance for people is very low right now. Maybe, as the time passes I’ll get better?
Another thing. Most of my cousins already have kids. I don’t. Most of the conversations have to do with family, kids, work , blah blah blah. I’m so not interested. I feel left out. And if i say something , I need to stop being a b*tch because Im out numbered and everyone has kids so I have to deal with it. I really don’t want to.
It’s a personal issue and I don’t think no one is sensitive towards me or my feelings at all in my family. It’s so annoying. I can’t stand it . So I rather just not go around them. Being a follower of Christ I struggle with this because I feel like I should love everybody. And please everybody. I mean , I do love them. I just don’t want to be around them as much.
I want kids. I want a husband. I want to do a lot of things in life . I just hate when people comment on things not realizing how sensitive certain topics are. I’m just tired. Tired of going out of my way for others. Tired of having to tolerate certain people. Just tired of worrying about everyone but myself. I feel guilty for putting myself first, but, that’s about to change. I have to do it for me, for my sanity.
My family is really good at calling people fat with no care what so ever. It is so rude and I’m just like , ” whatever happened to if you have nothing nice to say don’t say it all?”. That must of got lost somewhere because I don’t think it was in the Hispanic handbook. I’m just over it. I’m over people . I hate having to deal with things because I Have to. I don’t have to do anything actually.
I’m dealing with healing from the past and sobriety. It’s hard. I don’t think anyone gets that and it bothers me. No one in my family gets it. No one ever asks me how I’m doing. Sometimes, I would like someone to just ask me how I’m doing. Just once ! Yes, I trust and put all my faith in Christ, BUT… sometimes I would love for people to show that they care. I would love for people to be selfless and compassionate, to show some type of gesture that they actually care. This family doesn’t have that. I feel like I’m just on my own right now. I feel so misunderstood.
I have to keep trusting God and keep putting one foot in front of the other. That’s all I can do. One thing I won’t do is go back to that bottle. I am recovering. I am healing. God is doing something in me and it’s making me stronger. I will not give up. ✝️🙌