I am tired. I am tired of pleasing everybody. I am tired of going out of my way to make sure everyone feels loved and appreciated. I am tired.
As a woman of God I sometimes feel like I have to do certain things. I feel obligated to attend family events, birthday dinners/gatherings, kids birthday party’s, baby showers, etc. People always have something to say when you don’t attend an event. Most of the time, their feelings are hurt when certain individuals don’t show up, that’s what I try to avoid. I want to avoid people being upset with me for not showing up, so, even when I don’t want to show up I show up anyway because I know it would make them happy. Does what I want to do even matter? Why do I feel guilty saying no? Why am I always aiming to please and make people happy? No one goes out their way for me, so why do I go out my way for others. I don’t mind being nice and showing others I love them, but, I would be lying if I said I am okay will people never showing me appreciation. I am human. I don’t have the answers, I do know that it is mentally draining and exhausting, AND, I am over it.
I am not obligated to do anything I don’t want to do. Jesus wasn’t walking around pleasing everybody, if that was the case they would have never killed him. Sometimes, I think that because I am a Christian I have to be a part of everything. I have to show everyone love and respect by showing up to everything because that’s what Jesus would do. I have it all wrong though. As a follower of Christ I have to be Christ-like, not win the approval of people.
I will never be perfect, ever!
When I was actively drinking I did not care about anything or anyone. I could care less if I attended events, I was way too busy getting drunk or recovering from a hangover to even care. So, why do I care now? Am I trying to make up for lost times? Am I trying to prove something now that I’m sober? The same people who talked about me and judged me when I was living recklessly are the same ones I am trying to please. I believe psychologically it goes hand in hand. I am trying to win the approval of others. I am trying to show people I am better. That I am changing, that God is making me better, but why???? I don’t live to please people. I can love you and respect you, but, my job is not to please you. I know my pass is hefty, but, I don’t have anything to prove. My God is my Lord and Savior, not people. So, why do I feel like I have something to prove?
I have to trust God like never before on this one. When it’s not one obstacle, it’s another. My life is a lot better now with God, but, I am now seeing a lot of ugly parts of myself that I don’t really like. I don’t want to live to please people, that is not what I am here for. I am God’s daughter, he is the only one that should matter to me. I live for him, no one else. Life has a way of making us into who we are, sometimes , that’s not so pretty. You never stop growing and becoming better. Every day is a new day. This is one of those tough pills you have to swallow and deal with. Sobriety is tough. I have never dealt with anything, I never wanted to because of this exact reason. I don’t want to be vulnerable. I don’t want to feel this way. You can never stop working on yourself, I am glad that I noticed this about myself this weekend. It gives me a chance to get real with myself, figure out why I feel this way, and get closer to God. I don’t have the answers, I may never have the answers. One thing is for sure, I will be led by the Holy Spirit. I will use this time to stay away from certain things and people to just focus on God and deal with this issue. God is always with me and he always causes everything to work out for the good of those who love him. Romans 8:28 .
The only impossible journey is the one you never begin.