Another Christmas. No baby. No husband .
One of the hardest times for me is always around Christmas. It never really hits me until the holidays. It never really hits me how bad I want to be a mother until now.
Yeah, I think about it through out the year and most times, I’m excited, and I say things like,
“I can’t wait to be a mom!”
Deep down within me I know I’m going to be a mom. But when? When is it going to be my turn?
I always want to be excited for new mothers and new wives , but, I would be lying if I said that I didn’t ask God questions. Questions like…
When is it going to be my turn?
Isn’t your will for me to have kids?
Don’t you want me to be married?
Don’t you want me to have a family?
Why is it taking so long?
I don’t know if I can wait any longer.
This hurts, God.
Times like this is when my faith gets tested. I desire to see my baby’s face in the morning on Christmas Day. I desire to sit in the living room with my family wearing matching pajamas and watching Christmas movies. I desire to have a family. i desire to bake cookies and go see Christmas lights. I desire the joy that comes from having my own family.
Yes, I’m not alone. I have family. But , having your own family is different. Your husband , your kids, your home, your traditions , your vacations, your dinners, everything is immersed with the family you built with your husband.
I always seem to get impatient around this time. I never thought that I would be 31 and STILL not have any children. It scares me sometimes like what if I don’t? What if it’s too late? What if I never meet the one? What if it doesn’t happen? What if I can’t get pregnant? what if my PCOS really doesn’t allow me to?
Can I live with that? I’m sure I’ll live, but, a part of me might always feel empty. Like the scriptures says …. a barren womb is never satisfied.
Lord, help me understand.
Give us peace this holiday season. 💜