My cousin’s daughter was born today and I am happy about it! This is a big deal for me. When I heard of people getting pregnant and giving birth in the past I would pretend to be happy about it. Deep down inside I was not so happy. I was mad and bitter. I remember one time I came home from a night of heavy drinking, I logged on to social media, and I came across a status about someone having a baby. That’s when I lost it. Only because I knew this person was not capable of being a good parent. How can everyone get pregnant and have baby’s so easy when I can’t get pregnant to save my life.
I was hurt. I was mad at God. Am I not suppose to have a child? I’m a woman, I’m suppose to bring life into this world. If I don’t bring life into this world I failed as a woman. This is the sad reality that a lot of women go through. It sucks. Deep down you know you want to be a mother but you can’t get pregnant. I tried to get pregnant twice and I’m glad it never happened. I’m glad it never happened because I was not mentally stable to have a child. If I would have had a child when I wanted to I’m almost sure I would have ruined that child’s life. A drunk binge eating depressed momma, yeah that would have worked out great. Thank you Lord for not answering those prayers. This makes me think about how amazing God truly is. I wasn’t ready at that time. He was looking out for me. I didn’t get it then, but, I get it now.
Not knowing if I would ever be a mother was one of the reasons why I acted out the way I did. I didn’t care about anything, I didn’t want to face reality so I kept trying to numb the pain. I barely talked about this to anybody. I talked about it mainly when I was drunk. My girls would say things like ” it’s okay” , “you’re still young” , “being a parent is not as easy as it looks”, ” it’s hard work”, “enjoy your freedom” , etc. None of that made me feel better. I still wanted to have a baby. It’s a very touchy subject, unless you are experiencing the same struggle it’s one of those things that you would not be able to understand. You can comfort me as much as you can but this is when I need you to relate with me, to feel my pain, cry with me. The pain at times was unbearable. Failed relationship after failed relationship, no one I could have a baby with. I would walk around and act like it didn’t bother me when someone would ask me about kids. I would say things like, ” I’m enjoying this time, it’s a blessing.”. That was a lie . I never looked at it as a blessing until this year. I got diagnosed with PCOS when I was 16, doctors told me 13 years ago I would struggle to conceive naturally. I didn’t realize at that time how much I would suffer because of it.
Today I am a follower of Jesus. I put my trust in him and him alone. I only wanted a baby because I thought it would make me happy. I wanted a man because I thought he would complete me. My reasons for wanting these things were not good enough reasons. I wanted kids and a husband to fill a void. I was setting myself up for a tough reality check.
I do want children one day and I am trusting God with that. I surrender every single part of my life to him. I can’t sit around and be sad about it anymore. I found my freedom in Christ and I am not going to dwell on the things I cannot change. I did that for a very long time and it got me nowhere. I am finally free, I am content, and I am at peace. God is all I need. He is my healer, my provider, and every other amazing thing you can think of. He will work everything out for my good ( Romans 8:28).
I am excited for what’s to come in my life. The ups and the downs, they all matter. They all shape you into the person you are meant to be. God is with you all. Never give up and trust him, even when it is the hardest thing to do.