I have PCOS and I am happy!

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My cousin’s daughter was born today and I am happy about it! This is a big deal for me. When I heard of people getting pregnant and giving birth in the past I would pretend to be happy about it. Deep down inside I was not so happy. I was mad and bitter. I remember one time I came home from a night of heavy drinking, I logged on to social media, and I came across a status about someone having a baby. That’s when I lost it. Only because I knew this person was not capable of being a good parent. How can everyone get pregnant and have baby’s so easy when I can’t get pregnant to save my life.

I was hurt. I was mad at God. Am I not suppose to have a child? I’m a woman, I’m suppose to bring life into this world. If I don’t bring life into this world I failed as a woman. This is the sad reality that a lot of women go through. It sucks. Deep down you know you want to be a mother but you can’t get pregnant. I tried to get pregnant twice and I’m glad it never happened. I’m glad it never happened because I was not mentally stable to have a child. If I would have had a child when I wanted to I’m almost sure I would have ruined that child’s life. A drunk binge eating depressed momma, yeah that would have worked out great. Thank you Lord for not answering those prayers. This makes me think about how amazing God truly is. I wasn’t ready at that time. He was looking out for me. I didn’t get it then, but, I get it now.

Not knowing if I would ever be a mother was one of the reasons why I acted out the way I did. I didn’t care about anything, I didn’t want to face reality so I kept trying to numb the pain. I barely talked about this to anybody. I talked about it mainly when I was drunk. My girls would say things like ” it’s okay” , “you’re still young” , “being a parent is not as easy as it looks”, ” it’s hard work”, “enjoy your freedom” , etc. None of that made me feel better. I still wanted to have a baby. It’s a very touchy subject, unless you are experiencing the same struggle it’s one of those things that you would not be able to understand. You can comfort me as much as you can but this is when I need you to relate with me, to feel my pain, cry with me. The pain at times was unbearable. Failed relationship after failed relationship, no one I could have a baby with. I would walk around and act like it didn’t bother me when someone would ask me about kids. I would say things like, ” I’m enjoying this time, it’s a blessing.”. That was a lie . I never looked at it as a blessing until this year. I got diagnosed with PCOS when I was 16, doctors told me 13 years ago I would struggle to conceive naturally. I didn’t realize at that time how much I would suffer because of it.

Today I am a follower of Jesus. I put my trust in him and him alone. I only wanted a baby because I thought it would make me happy. I wanted a man because I thought he would complete me. My reasons for wanting these things were not good enough reasons. I wanted kids and a husband to fill a void. I was setting myself up for a tough reality check.

I do want children one day and I am trusting God with that. I surrender every single part of my life to him. I can’t sit around and be sad about it anymore. I found my freedom in Christ and I am not going to dwell on the things I cannot change. I did that for a very long time and it got me nowhere. I am finally free, I am content, and I am at peace. God is all I need. He is my healer, my provider, and every other amazing thing you can think of. He will work everything out for my good ( Romans 8:28).

I am excited for what’s to come in my life. The ups and the downs, they all matter. They all shape you into the person you are meant to be. God is with you all. Never give up and trust him, even when it is the hardest thing to do.

 

 

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20 thoughts on “I have PCOS and I am happy!

  1. Thank you. The honesty in this post is a blessing. I suffer from PCOS. Everythimg youve said, could have come from my own mouth. Im so happy you have found your peace with this. While im still struggling to find my own i am getting closer. Its very refreshing to hear that I am not alone. Ive actually suffered multiple miscarriages and I think thats why i am still unable to make my peace with this disease. Just hearing your story gives me hope that i will get there someday. Any advice on this matter would be appreciated. I look forward to hearing from you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriages ! *hugs* I have never been pregnant and I am 29🙈 I’m single and currently not dating so I don’t even know if I can carry a child , they have checked me and told me everything is fine and that I will have to start fertility treatment when I’m ready. Will the treatment work? I have no idea. I will have to cross that bridge when I get there. It caused me a lot of depression to think about never being a mom , I just handed that part over to God . If it’s his will I will be a mom one day. I have a whole life to live and I can’t beat myself up about the unknown , you know? I’ll be 30 in 2 months and I know right now is just not my time. Will it ever be? I don’t know. I have to trust God on this one but I can’t stop living because of this situation. I have no idea about the emotional and mental stress you have dealt with but I will pray for you and I pray that God gives you peace over this situation. I know that once I get to that point in my life I will definitely blog about the process. I wish you the best. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey, I too have PCOS and it was diagnosed when I was 17. Pretty much like your case… I too am happy and content with whatever HE has planned. It has only made me stronger over time and helped me eradicate stupid people out of my life. So yeah, it’s pretty much a blessing in my case.
    All the best to you. I believe that you will surely have your baby!
    PS. Never lose that positive outlook of yours. It will keep you going!☺👍❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wonderful read. I can relate to this on so many levels, and I’m here to tell you that He is an on-time God. I also have PCOS and I’ve had those same exact drunken nights (way too many, tbh) and I was angry too. I’m only finally expecting now, and it was only in His timing. PCOS ain’t nothing to our God! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I believe that no matter what we think we want, God knows what’s best for us. When what we think we want doesn’t match what we need, we get what we need instead; even if it’s a little more time to be our highest and best selves first. I had endometriosis, so there was no having a biological child. Then I had a hysterectomy, which took both ovaries, and that slammed the door shut tight.

    However, being raised in a loving foster home, and going on to being legally adopted showed me that families come in all forms. Love is all there is!

    Once I came to terms with the many options at my fingertips, I chose to choose to adopt one son…realizing that one child was all I was meant to have. Interestingly enough, the caseworker matched him [Adam] up, and you wouldn’t know today that he was not my biological son. He certainly isn’t bothered by it. Even my grand kids [look like the both of us].

    God has a plan. He’s pretty good at planning. He created the heavens and the earth, and oh yes…Us!!!

    Like

  5. Beautiful post, sis! Thank you for your honesty about where you were and where God has brought you in Him, many are blessed by testimonies like this. I just was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and have been feeling sorry for myself lately. Trying to be superwoman, when God is the only supernatural aspect of me. He is our strength!! Be encouraged❤Blessings!

    Liked by 1 person

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