hope.

from-darkness-to-light04

I was diagnosed with PCOS at the age of 16. Polycystic ovarian syndrome is a condition in which a woman’s levels of the sex hormones estrogen and progesterone are out of balance. This leads to the growth of ovarian cysts. PCOS can cause problems with a women’s menstrual cycle, fertility, cardiac function, and appearance.

When I got this diagnosis I didn’t really care because I was young. In my 20’s I tried to get pregnant twice and it just didn’t happen naturally. I thank God I didn’t get pregnant because I never really knew how to pick them. It’s okay, I’m learning now a days. A lot of my depression in my 20’s came from not having children. All I ever wanted was a child. I never found someone who I could see myself having a child with so I never took further steps to get pregnant. To be honest, I just wanted a child because I thought it would make me happy. I have no idea why I thought that. Children are blessings but I don’t think they are a cure to your problems and your feelings of inadequacy/unhappiness. 

I’m only 29 and I’ve suffered A LOT! I’ve dealt with a whole bunch of heartache, depression, alcohol abuse, mental abuse, and anything else us adults can possibly go through. I never thought that I was enough. I never thought I was worthy. I never thought I was valuable. I just settled for anything life threw at me. I accepted my life for what it was and just dealt with it by drinking. I wasn’t able to make a child so I wasn’t worthy. What kind of woman cannot have a child? Isn’t that a woman’s main purpose? These were my thoughts for about 9 years. Failed relationship after failed relationship, I can’t even get a man to marry me, I’m definitely not worth it. Everyone else is getting engaged, pregnant, married, and, here I am throwing back this alcohol because I can’t stand the thought of being sober and being a complete failure.

Every single day I woke up wanting to hide from the world. The easiest way to do that was to drink and be “happy”. People didn’t see all the tears that I cried behind closed doors, people didn’t see me contemplating suicide in my own room, people did not see all the darkness within me. To everyone else my life was perfect. Living at home, no children, no husband, no “real” responsibility, I’m doing great according to them. I fought so many battles internally that I have no idea how I’m still alive. ONLY BY THE GRACE OF GOD.

Ever since I surrendered my whole life to Jesus things have been so different. Before, I depended on myself and my own decisions to get me through life. I was trying to figure it all out on my own, I was trying to force relationships, friendships, and everything else in my life, I was trying to control EVERYTHING. My journey is only about 2 months in but I am at peace. I’m not stressing about being single and finding a husband. I’m not stressing about the fact that my “clock is ticking”, I’m not stressing the fact that I’m almost 30 and I have no sign of husband or kids in my near future. See, I now know that if God would have gave me a husband and a child when I was mentally unstable I would have destroyed everything. I WAS NOT READY. If it is in God’s plan for my life I know it will happen. I put my trust and faith in him and him only, us humans are flawed and we will never meet each others needs 100%. One thing I can tell you though, is that through all the bad decisions, the hurt, the addictions, and the mental abuse, God showed me who and what I was putting my faith and trust in. I was depending on everything but him. I went through all of that and it led me to JESUS. I don’t regret a thing.

I may have a child one day, I may not. I may get married one day, I may not. I don’t know. What I do know is that I AM ENOUGH, I found my identity in Christ, and, as long as I have him I don’t NEED anything else. I now live with purpose, I now know my place in this world. I now know that this season is not a curse it is a blessing. I get to live for JESUS 100%,  that is the only reward I need.

Take care of your mind, body, and spirit.

God has a plan for your life.

JOHN  8:12- “I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life.”

ROMANS 8:28 – God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love him.

I AM HIGHLY FAVORED.

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7 thoughts on “hope.

  1. I don’t know your name , it matters not , but you must understand that the devil allows people to settle for less the fact that You were born into a circumstance does not make it your destiny or a normal , through God has plans , but is written in Matthew 7-7 ask and it shall be give seek any you shall find…… Jabez was given a bad destiny even before he knew left or right , his mother made an evil utterance on his life but he cried to God he said ” onlord enlarge my coast ” Jacob wrestled and his story was changed my dear settle not for less God heals , the bible says open your mouth and I will fill it , if that man that Jesus healed (blind bathemous ) kept silent do you think he would be have been healed , the woman with the issue of blood touched the helm of his garment , Hannah cried to God God answered her , don’t keep silent , you have found Christ ask him with great enthusiasm if you need to fast fast , pray , the message is for you ….. And anyone going through similar cases , your present state is not you r actual size you must grow , he is a story changer , Hannah did not go to Shiloh because she had time but because she was desperate to meet with God , God saw this and answered her , listen people have been lame from birth God healed them we know God has a plan but you must pray to get that divine attention ,
    I pray for you today that problem challenging God in your life will expire in the name of Jesus.
    The enablement to dominate your circumstances will overshadow you in the name of Jesus

    There is no divination and enchantment agaist Jacob numbers 23-33 . You can read or reach me if you feel the need to spiralofthyrayveltation .WordPress.com
    Be blessed

    Liked by 1 person

  2. One of the biggest lessons I learned is that all the things I sought for out there, namely external validation, already resided in me. The notion that I am enough was something I could not understand. I sometimes get perplexed by it when I am off center, spiritually and emotionally. And the funny thing is that when my internal landscape is serene and in line with His will, the externals take care of themselves.

    I am glad you have seen this. Wonderful post.

    Blessings
    Paul

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are worth it and and inteligent and a Very very strong women…. Trust me! Your fucking amazing and don’t you ever forget that! Those dummys didn’t deserve you or your time or you heart…. Fuck em!😎👍

    Like

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