Paralyzed by fear.

Fear doesn’t exist . It’s a mental barrier that can keep us from being everything God called us to be if we don’t confront it .

Fear is one of those things that can keep you in the same spot for 20 years. Nothing happened . The only thing that happened was the failed scenarios you constantly played in your head.

What if it doesn’t work?

What if we get divorced?

What if I never get married?

What if the business fails?

What if nobody buys my product?

What if nobody reads my blog?

What if nobody comes to my show?

What if nobody reads my emails?

What if nobody watches my live videos?

What if I’m just dreaming too big?

Let me be realistic , this can’t happen for me .

God isn’t really speaking to me.

Isn’t this what we tell ourselves? Every day we wake up with the same exact ideas , the same big dream! Yet, we do nothing. We let the enemy whisper in our ears about how inadequate we are. We continue to replay the words our parents , friends or exes spoke over our lives like their the ones that knit us together in our mother’s womb. We tell ourselves we can’t, when the creator of the universe said, before I formed you I knew you.

YES YOU CAN.

I’m the one that puts the breath in your lungs.

You will live and not die.

Pick up your mat and walk.

I know you’re scared, walk anyway.

Feb. 22. 2014

 

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Who knew that this exact day, 5 years ago, God was starting to work in my heart. I remember crying my eyes out. I was living with 4 other people in a house. We were all in our mid 20s. We all loved to drink. All I remember is that I felt empty. I was tired of doing the same exact thing every day. I was tired of  being broke. I was dead inside.

I was sober for 10 months. I made it that long and I convinced myself that I just needed a break from alcohol. I met my ex and he was an alcoholic as well. I didn’t look at it like we had a drinking problem. We just enjoyed drinking. Nothing wrong with that, right? wrong. 

We all know how if you aren’t careful and self-aware, you can end up drinking your life away. I thought I had it all figured out. He was a “good” man, I thought. I’m reaching 30, this is definitely it.

wrong again. 

The first 4 months were great. Downhill after that. We were on and off. He kept dumping me and I kept taking him back. It was an emotional rollercoaster. One day we were good, the next day we weren’t. I kept praying for God to change him. God I know you want me to be happy, so I know you will change him. Deep within I knew I had to leave. I didn’t. I kept praying for him. Why wouldn’t God change him? he can do anything. Back then I didn’t know God the way I know him now. But of course, God used that situation to lead me back to him.

I was a mess. Hurt. betrayed. full of pain. I felt so unworthy. I was always drunk. I felt so much shame for letting a man get in the way of my sobriety. I gained 50 lbs in 6 months.  Me and my best friend fell out. Everyone was hurting me . Everyone made me feel like I was the one that was over reacting. It was the weirdest thing I have ever experienced. I would cry out to God and ask him why this is happening to me. Why are the people I love hurting me God? Why does no one want me? What is wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you. I want to use you but I need you to get rid of all your baggage. It’s going to hurt. But, I need you to trust me. I need you to trust my plan for your life. I know what Is best for you. Come to me , I will heal you.

November 25, 2016… I said Yes to God completely and no to alcohol. 819 days sober. redeemed. Healed. Set free. He is still writing my story.

who the son sets free is free indeed. John 8:36

trust him.

Take care of YOU.


I know first hand how easy it is to lose yourself. It’s so easy to get caught up with life that we totally forget to take care of ourselves. I’ve been on a journey of transformation. A journey of getting rid of all the bad in my life and trusting God on everything. It’s been one heck of a journey. I can honestly say that I am super proud of my progress! How did I even get this far?! GOD.

At one point I wanted to kill myself. Drinking day in and day out just to realize that it made everything worse. Dating random men thinking that they would some how “fix” me. It was a never ending cycle that I loved and hated at the same time. I loved it because it was the only thing that gave me temporary satisfaction. I hated it because as each day passed, my soul was getting darker and darker. 

I knew I had a choice. I knew that if I didn’t make a choice then,  my life would never change. I was so scared. Fear paralyzed me. Alcohol and men were the center of my life , how can I possibly live without the only 2 things that I depended on to keep me going!? I can’t give them up. God , you’re crazy. I need my liquor and I need my men. I don’t know how you will do this but you will have to take these desires out of my heart and change them to whatever it is you want me to desire because I cannot do this on my own. 

 God was listening. 

I knew the first step in taking care of myself was getting sober. I knew that once I did that, everything else would fall into place. I’ve been sober for 9 months now. Being that I have an addictive personality, getting sober was very important. I was always an all or nothing type of person, No in between. That can be a good thing or a bad thing. For me, it was a bad thing, BUT… I’m sure God will use this personality of mine for his glory. I have to be careful with who and what I allow in my life, any little thing can set me off. This is who I am and I know how my brain works. It’s very important to identify your triggers. Ask yourself a couple questions: 

What makes me stop taking care of myself? 

Why do I get lazy? 

Why do I stop caring? 

For me, I always felt like no one cared. So when I feel like people don’t care, I don’t care. When no one validates me, I feel worthless. I feel like no one notices me so why am I even doing this?  These are things I struggled with. Do I still struggle at times? Of course. Do I struggle with them as much as before? No. 

See, God is doing something in me. I don’t have everything figured out yet, I’m still working on taking better care of myself. For so many years, my focus was always on helping and fixing everyone else that I never got the chance to know myself. This is a journey that I’m truly appreciating more and more as the days pass. 

I am not my past. I am not the hurt I’ve been through. I’m not a failure. I am not the rejection I’ve experienced. 

I’m the daughter of the Most High God and I will blossom into something AMAZING. 

Taking care of yourself takes work. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Do the best you can and trust God through the process. Most importantly, take it ONE DAY AT A TIME. 

WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.