Do it .

It’s 7:35 in the morning.

I already ate breakfast , prayed, read scripture , worshipped , worked out and now I’m at work.

I woke up at 3:50 , 10 minutes before my alarm was set to go off at 4am. For about the past 6 months I’ve had this urgency in me to conquer my days, take my health serious and get my body moving. How can I conquer my life if I don’t conquer my days?

Y’all.. I have no coach. I have no mentor. I have no spiritual mother/father. God has literally been instructing me detail by detail. It’s crazy. When the idea came to me about waking up at 4am I just brushed it off. It would not go away. So , I started.

I’m on week 2 of waking up early and I already feel great. It’s almost like this weight has been lifted off. I always talk about my addiction to alcohol because my addiction led me to be very undisciplined. I don’t know what it’s like to tell my flesh what to do. I just thought God would give me the strength to conquer whatever it is that he wants me to conquer. That’s kind of right . Let me explain.

God is a God of order. He knows when we are ready to face certain challenges. This past weekend I had a conversation with a childhood friend and he said something that really hit me , “Do you really think God gives you strength when you ask ? He already knows what you need when you need it.”

I started thinking and thought to myself , that is so true! How many times have I tried with my own strength to conquer certain things? How many times have I attempted and failed time and time again. You can pray. You can fast. You can cry out. You can do all the right things and still not be ready to do what God wants you to do. There’s literally a season for everything.

Our days are already planned. It’s up to us to follow the instructions. It’s up to us to do what we are called to do. God has already given us what we need. Everything we need is already in us. Often times , we wait for circumstances to line up with what God is saying . Truth is, most times your circumstances won’t line up and that’s okay. Do it anyway.

What does God want you to do right now? Quieting out the noise is so important. We are all called for a specific time and a specific assignment . Your time on this earth is not wasted. What do you have to do that you have been putting off? What is God calling you to do that’s a little hard but you know it will make your life better? We all have to suffer a little while before we get to the promise, if we didn’t the promise wouldn’t mean much . We would take it for granted.

The process is where we are made. The process is where we grow. The process is where we are pruned. The process is uncomfortable , but , if you get comfortable being uncomfortable you’re going in the right direction. No one can stop you, but you.

I believe that conquering your life and being who God called you to be begins with conquering your days .

Just like AA says , one day at a time.

God bless you and I pray you have an amazing start of your week! Remember, no weapon formed shall prosper! You are VICTORIOUS!

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His image.

As I look over the past year, I see myself on so many occasions dim myself down to make other people comfortable. It’s almost like I don’t want to be who God created me to be because I don’t want to offend or make anyone’s insecurities surface.

How is it that something as simple as hair can make someone envy you? Of course they don’t say they envy you, but, they make slick remarks about your ” big hair “. So, I go as far as putting my hair in a bun to avoid any remarks on my hair. I actually love my hair. I have curly hair and I hate flat hair . I love big puffy curls. I always have and I always will.

I’m puertorican , I love my curls and I love my hoop earrings , oh and I’m loud .

Sorry, not sorry.

Now, in the world , all of this is okay. As a woman in Christ , it’s almost like I’m walking on eggshells because of what the next sister might think of me. Yes , I know what you’re thinking !!! WHO CARES WHAT THEY SAY!

It’s all been a process. I actually came to Christ excited. Excited to go on this journey with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ and immediately realized it would just be me and God, 80% of the time. I believe God gives us friendships, but, I also believe sometimes you have to separate yourself for a season. Sometimes , you need time to be with God all by yourself. Revelation, ideas, breakthrough , freedom, and deliverance all happen at the feet of Jesus.

One thing that I’m noticing is that a lot of people are okay with you coming to Christ. They aren’t okay with you growing spiritually and becoming confident in who God created you to be. As long as your stagnant you’re not a threat. As long as you’re not producing fruit, you’re not a threat. As long as the devil can keep you going to church every week without you going before God’s presence the other 6 days of the week, you’re not a threat.

You’re only a threat when you know who you are. When you allow God to transform you from the inside out. When you’re bold. When you’re confident. When you love the person God created you to be. When you go to college when no one else in your family did. When you start a business and have no idea how you will succeed because you’ve never seen anyone do it. When you preach the Gospel with BOLDNESS. When you make a decision to not get in a relationship just because it’s the ” adult ” thing to do. You’re a threat when you don’t follow anybody’s voice but GOD’S. You’re a threat when you cannot be used. You’re a threat when you SPEAK UP for the voiceless.

If you’re dealing with any opposition , you’re not alone. You are exactly where you need to be. God created you in his image, you lack nothing. Everything you need to move forward is in the inside of you. The same spirit that rose Jesus from the dead lives in you, YOU HAVE POWER.

Mute the noise and keep your eyes on Jesus. This world has distractions everywhere you turn. The enemy uses people to throw darts at your confidence , but God called you holy as he is HOLY. I pray for HOLY boldness and HOLY confidence to fill your life and everything that you lay hands on .

No weapon formed shall prosper.

Purpose.

Jeremiah 1:5. I don’t believe in coincidence.

I believe God orders our steps. (Proverbs 16:9)

I believe we are all appointed for the time we are needed most.

YOU ARE NOT AN ACCIDENT.

I remember walking around thinking that my life was meaningless.

I filled my days and nights up with meaningless

relationships /situationships, riding around looking for something to get into, hitting up bars, drinking all day so I can feel free and get out of my self.

Giving in to the flattery of men just because it was a distraction from myself.

I was running from myself because I didn’t know how to face myself. Too much pain. Too much confusion. Too many questions. I looked in every direction and still felt empty. The bottle finished but I was still empty. He promised to love me and take care of me , but instead he played me, I ran to the next but I still felt empty.

Somehow, in the middle of the chaos . In the middle of my pain. In the middle of my addiction. In the middle of my depression. In the middle of me hating the woman I had become , GOD STILL CHOSE ME. From my name to my purpose, IT ALL MAKES SENSE .

If you’re laying in bed right now overthinking and questioning your worth, GOD IS NOT DONE WITH YOU! It may not make sense now, you may not understand why you’re going through what you are going through but I promise you, that if you just hold on and seek his face , HE WILL CARRY YOU THROUGH! ✝️

Dating as a grown up.

Ahhh dating. The beauty of meeting new people. Opening up yourself to being super shallow and swiping on tinder based on looks alone and bios that tell you nothing about who this person really is. Dating has always been fun to me but in a dysfunctional way.

Serial dating to me can become very addicting , time-consuming and if you aren’t careful , people can become objects real quick.

I was always a serial dater. If I dumped someone or if they dumped me , I moved on to the next with no hesitation. Jumping into the arms of the next man thinking that he would be the one to fix me. Hoping he will be the one to love me back to life. Hoping he would treat me different. But, every single time, I chose out of a clouded mind. A mind that was driven by the high of the unexpected.

And every single time, I still felt alone. I hid myself behind the bottle. I’m laughing , I’m having fun, I’m having sex , this is FUN. Meanwhile , I was dying inside. Praying for someone to love me even though I was a hot mess.

I soon realized it was time to chill. It was time to get my whole life together. It was time to face it all and heal. A never-ending process that can sometimes make you want to go back to being a savage. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to care. Ohhhh.. but I do.

See, when you heal you can’t go back. It’s almost impossible to be the person you used to be. You know better. You grew up. You started to love you. You put in tears , endless talks and prayers. You put in the work to get to where you are . Why go back?

It’s not worth it.

What does this have to do with dating? A lot. When you heal, dating gets a tad bit harder. Why? You realize real quick how most people are hiding behind great careers , trips and happy hours. You realize that almost everyone is putting up a front online. You realize that behind those lavish trips and great Instagram pictures, these men are hurting.

I was always the woman who thought a man could change as long as I loved him enough. I made excuses for poor behavior and outbursts. I made excuses for him not being able to love me and show up as the man I needed him to be.

Healing puts an end to your low self-esteem. Healing shows you that a man is not supposed to be a project . Healing gives you your power back. Healing shows you that you don’t have to beg anyone to love you the way God created you to be loved. When you heal , you are a lot less tolerant to the things you used to put up with when you were full of insecurities and low self worth.

So where does that leave the woman who’s working on her recovery? The woman that is whole again? The woman that’s healed and ready to take over the world? That puts the ball in your court. It gives you the confidence to know who you are and what you know you deserve. You no longer settle just to have someone in your bed. You no longer make excuses for the unacceptable. You have standards. You respect yourself. You have boundaries. Most importantly, you continue to win.

You walk with grace and love. You pick up the next woman. You continue to grow. You go on dates. You meet people. You travel. You work on your career. You fix your credit. You pay off debt. You achieve goals. You live life on your terms. When you meet the one for you , you will know. It won’t be exhausting. It will be a love you’ve never experienced.

Be patient my friend. We all want to love and be loved. Don’t settle in the one area that matters the most in our human existence, LOVE.

God, purge me.

You can’t grow in pride .

Pride makes you feel like you know it all.

If you know it all, you don’t need God.

God literally works everything out for our good.

Even in pride he reveals to us that we in fact, Don’t know it all.

In our dry place he reveals to us that he is indeed the only one that can fill us until we overflow.

In our dark moments Gods power is revealed.

We can get so sidetracked . Being holier than thou. Forgetting what it’s all about. Forgetting how you first felt when you came to Christ . The joy, the freedom, the peace, the love , the overflow of grace. Soon after that comes a process.

A process of healing. A process of growing. A process of stepping out on faith. A process of going through pride , loneliness, fear , and shame.

God’s power works best in weakness . It is when we our weak that he reveals to us who he really is. In our weakness he covers us. In our weakness he graces us. In our weakness he forgives us . In our weakness he heals us.

We must be real with ourselves. We will never know it all. Lord , help us to stay humble. Reveal your nature to us. Fill us with your love , peace, mercy and forgiveness. Let your will be done in our lives. Replace our desires with yours. Change us. Have your way. You’re worthy. We give you glory.

The process is where we learn . The process is where we grow. The process is where we our tested. The process is where God sees if he can trust us or not. Even the process can be used for his glory. The highs and the lows. Nothing is ever wasted .

Romans 8:28

Feb. 22. 2014

 

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Who knew that this exact day, 5 years ago, God was starting to work in my heart. I remember crying my eyes out. I was living with 4 other people in a house. We were all in our mid 20s. We all loved to drink. All I remember is that I felt empty. I was tired of doing the same exact thing every day. I was tired of  being broke. I was dead inside.

I was sober for 10 months. I made it that long and I convinced myself that I just needed a break from alcohol. I met my ex and he was an alcoholic as well. I didn’t look at it like we had a drinking problem. We just enjoyed drinking. Nothing wrong with that, right? wrong. 

We all know how if you aren’t careful and self-aware, you can end up drinking your life away. I thought I had it all figured out. He was a “good” man, I thought. I’m reaching 30, this is definitely it.

wrong again. 

The first 4 months were great. Downhill after that. We were on and off. He kept dumping me and I kept taking him back. It was an emotional rollercoaster. One day we were good, the next day we weren’t. I kept praying for God to change him. God I know you want me to be happy, so I know you will change him. Deep within I knew I had to leave. I didn’t. I kept praying for him. Why wouldn’t God change him? he can do anything. Back then I didn’t know God the way I know him now. But of course, God used that situation to lead me back to him.

I was a mess. Hurt. betrayed. full of pain. I felt so unworthy. I was always drunk. I felt so much shame for letting a man get in the way of my sobriety. I gained 50 lbs in 6 months.  Me and my best friend fell out. Everyone was hurting me . Everyone made me feel like I was the one that was over reacting. It was the weirdest thing I have ever experienced. I would cry out to God and ask him why this is happening to me. Why are the people I love hurting me God? Why does no one want me? What is wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you. I want to use you but I need you to get rid of all your baggage. It’s going to hurt. But, I need you to trust me. I need you to trust my plan for your life. I know what Is best for you. Come to me , I will heal you.

November 25, 2016… I said Yes to God completely and no to alcohol. 819 days sober. redeemed. Healed. Set free. He is still writing my story.

who the son sets free is free indeed. John 8:36

trust him.