What do you do? 

What do you do when you want to go celebrate the holiday? What do you do when you want to get drunk knowing that wouldn’t be the best thing to do? What do you do when you want to run back to that ex that is no good for you? What do you do when you feel so alone that you just want to go back to your old life? What do you do when you start asking yourself “Is God even real?”. What do you do when you start debating if this is even worth it? WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. 

I don’t know what to do. A part of me just wants to say screw it all. A part of me doesn’t even care anymore. A part of me wants to keep going. A part of me knows that I have to get through this to get to the other side. A part of me believes that it gets better. A part of me is lost, lonely, and confused. Do I even know what I want? 

My sobriety means everything to me. Being sober has its ups and downs just like everything else. I love being sober most of the time. Days like today , not so much. Everyone is out with friends or their significant others and I’m alone. I know that if I was drinking I would be around people and I wouldn’t feel so alone right now. Addiction has a way of lying to you. My mind is telling me one thing but I know better. I know I have an addictive personality that doesn’t go away. I know that everything I do is either all in or all out. I have no balance. I never did . 

Last year around this time was when I blocked my ex on all social media, maybe that’s another reason why I’m so emotional this time around. My birthday week is the same week that I blocked him. It’s been one year since I’ve had contact with him. Do I miss him? Maybe . Is he good for me? Nope. Has he asked about me? Yup. Do I want to reach out? Yes . Should I? Nope.  

I know better. I know what I have to do to be better. I’m 5 days away from my 30th birthday. I know I cannot give up now. I know I have to get through these feelings. I know I have to trust God’s plan. I know everything that happens is for a reAson. I’m super emotional now that I’m sober , way more than before. It’s who I am. This is who I am. Maybe I’m not that loud drunk promiscuous girl that I was when I wAs under the influence. Maybe, the girl I am, the one I’m becoming is who I truly am. This life journey is pretty amazing at times. I know this will all be worth it . Sobriety is a gift. I have to appreciate it even when I don’t understand it . 

My life has been so peaceful yet I crave chaos. My life has never been this peaceful. This is great! I just have to get used to it. This is exactly what I asked God for , Peace. I have it and I don’t even think I am appreciating it. I am beyond thankful for my past and present. Do I wish my life looked a bit differently? Yes. I have no idea what my future holds, I have to trust God . I have to have faith. As long as I put in the work I know everything else will fall into place . I will continue to take this journey one day at a time. 

220 days Sober. 😎

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11 thoughts on “What do you do? 

  1. I can relate so much with this post, especially in regards to life finally being peaceful. It’s such a new way to live, almost uncomfortable. Chaos can be like a comfort zone for many, but you’re doing great! You’re doing what you have to do for you, the new you! Congrats on 220!!! Amazing!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t know why this made me smile. I guess, because I can empathize with your feelings of confusion- like, is this all even worth it? Sadness & confusion are only temporary states. So is happiness. But peace is something you can find in the midst of it all. Stay on your journey, Cris…(I hope u dnt mind me calling u that). It’s definitely worth it. I’ll say a quick prayer for ya.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Addiction does create that voice.
    It also feeds the idea that everyone else is out all getting drunk. They aren’t.

    Is there something you could do to celebrate that would be safe? Do you have a friend with a family, etc who wouldn’t be out getting hammered.

    29 is a hard age….all the years ending with 9 are. Somehow the big birthdays bring out a lot of questions.

    Hug. You are doing great. I can only say it gets better and easier. But some days just will always suck.

    Be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself to something you like.

    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

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