Social anxiety. 

The weather is getting nice in Jersey which means a lot of things are going on. The only problem is that I think I really want to go to these events until it’s time to go to them. One of my high school friends is moving to another state and she’s having her going away party today, it started at 3pm and I haven’t even showered yet. Tomorrow I have a family cookout to go to and I don’t want to go. I have no idea how to explain to people that I don’t want to be around them. I want to get out the house and do things but I get very anxious around everybody. This is hard for me being that I have been very social my whole life. Alcohol was a major part of my life but before I started drinking I was popular in school and I always hung out with a lot of people. Now, it’s hard. I have nothing in common with most people and it gets very awkward when I have nothing to talk to people about. When I was intoxicated all the time I didn’t care about being around people , even the ones I didn’t like, because, alcohol makes everyone tolerable. Now, I can’t stand being around a lot of people. Is that bad? I have no idea. 

I’m almost 7 months sober and I thought it would be better by now. This is hard for me. The summer reminds me of liquor and parties . I want to go out and be around people but then I feel very awkward. The hardest thing about this all is that I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it that will understand me. That’s the hard part. With mostly everything that has to do with me, I don’t really have anyone to talk to. When I do try to talk to certain people I feel rejected because they don’t understand me or even try to understand me. Making me feel  like I’m over reacting in absolutely everything which causes me to just not speak about a thing.

 I’m having a rough day today. I woke up feeling so alone. Well, the last few days I have been feeling like that. This is hard. Staying sober is hard. If I had a drink right now, all this anxiety would go away and I would enjoy this whole weekend. Why can’t I enjoy it sober? I swear if it’s not one thing, it’s another. Why can’t I drink like a normal person? I keep telling myself, this too shall pass, but honestly, I don’t even feel like fighting anymore. 

Lord, give me strength. 

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18 thoughts on “Social anxiety. 

  1. I don’t want to be around people either. If I could live on an island alone and sustain myself with everything I would ever need in life, I probably would (as unhealthy as that sounds). You are very brave for your efforts with staying sober and taking it one day at a time.

    I have the same issue with wanting to get out of the house and do things but it’s difficult being around people. One of my problems is I just don’t like being asked by my parents about where I am going. A lot of times I plan to go to group events but half the time I either back out or if I’m late, I feel too freaked out to show up. Many times I just end up hanging out by myself and I try to have a good time by not thinking so much by, like, buying myself coffee or taking pictures of the places I visit. It’s when I go home and reflect on my day that I start feeling bad about myself.

    I don’t know if I can relate to people my age (I’m 27). Probably the question I hate being asked most when meeting people for the first time is, “What do you do for a living/What do you do for work?” This is because I have yet to obtain a job because of my social anxiety problems. I have read other blogs and gotten the perspective that it is indeed possible to have a full-time job while working through social anxiety. For myself, I always teeter between “I can do this” and “I can’t, I f-ing can’t” because the anxiety can be so bad at times. Not having anxiety is like telling a person to not worry about anything but that’s impossible. I want friends but I’m reluctant to talk about myself in conversation. Someone could be asking me what my hobbies are and immediately I feel myself clamming up and fighting my instinct to give a five-word answer to end the conversation right then and there or attempt to push myself to give a more concise, detailed answer. I often feel like the more I share about myself, the more exposed and vulnerable I am

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    1. Have you always been like this? Or did something trigger it ? I know for me it was fear. I was scared of people seeing the real me because the only one that people knew was drunk cristal. . They barely knew sober cristal . I’m a totally different person sober but kind of the same person if that makes any sense. Lol . I had to force myself to socialize , before it was easy because I would just have a few drinks but when I got sober I soon realized I couldn’t stand some people so it’s still a little tough for me because at times I have to be around people I don’t want to be around and I have a low tolerance for a lot of things 😩 it’s all a process . I just take things a day at a time . I don’t have much friends now , more like associates but no one I get personal with . I pray that one day I have genuine loyal friends in my life but until then I’ll continue to enjoy life the best way I can. I don’t mind doing things alone , I kinda like it . Take baby steps . Have you spoke to a therapist? Anxiety is fear , fear is usually linked to something . I’ll keep you in my prayers. I’m always here if you would like to chat 🙂

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      1. Yes, I’ve always been an anxious person for as long as I can remember. Even in the smatterings of memories I have of my very early childhood, I remember feeling mild anxiety that felt normal and didn’t bother me that much but as I got older, it felt like I processed the anxiety on a more complex level because my capacity for understanding and perceiving what was around me had increased. I definitely think the environment I was raised in and how I was raised had an impact on me. I suspect my genetics played a part too and maybe I won the wrong kind of genetic lottery where I was more susceptible to anxiety. It’s hard to say if there was only one pivotal moment in my life that escalated my anxiety.

        I’m scared of people seeing the real me too. I have never liked the feeling of being seen. Eye contact, in general, scares me. I used to be a lot worse where I couldn’t even hold another person’s gaze for even a second. Now often when I catch someone staring at me, I feel like a deer in the headlights and that the person is a lion who is going to attack me. It is also nerve-wrecking during conversation when a person is giving me direct and prolonged eye contact as I am talking to him/her. I always manage to assume that the person is thinking bad things about me.

        I saw a therapist for a few months last winter but decided not to continue going after my semester there came to an end. It’s not that I want to be cheap, but I seriously cannot afford to pay for a therapist. It cost me $40 per session, and $40 is a lot to me if I consider what I could have used that money for instead of therapy. I have no income right now, I still live with my parents, and I’m on food stamps. It’s embarrassing. I am part of a social anxiety meetup group in NY. I only go sometimes. Other times I make myself go to other events in other meetup groups as a way to challenge myself. It’s either a hit or miss for me lol.

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  2. It is quite understandable … Yes the divide is there .. I don’t recommend using pills to solve that problem that is not a benign soulution and it is temporary … I will advice you Crystal clear that you should remain determined to maintain the path you have choosen for yourself , it is hard trying to tell them you don’t really share common grounds for fun but you must find a way to politely chip it in … And distant yourself from it bearing in mind that you are not doing it to make anyone fill bad about their lifestyle but it is a natural , you have outgrown the corperate dellsuional act of engaging in life treatning life style called fun … God be with you

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  3. I understand what it’s like to experience social anxiety. One of the things I had to do was find a new group of friends especially after I got over the “party phase” of my life. I know sometimes it’s hard to find new people to hang out with but still try being around people even if it includes going to a museum or a beach by yourself. You never know who you might meet🙂

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  4. This is exactly like me, I find I have nothing to say to anyone. I look at all these people around me drinking without a care in the world, drinking as much as they want and functioning normally. I’m not jealous, I just don’t understand why I’m the only one unable to drink because I have little or no control. I love your writing and I think that you’re doing amazing. Keep strong. xx

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  5. I felt exactly the same way when I got sober the first time around, I hadn’t realised how much of my time was spent drinking and associating with people that sober, I probably wouldn’t have. There’s a big hole of time that drinking took up and if it’s not filled with something else it can lead to feeling lonely and lost. I signed up to a gym and art classes… I didn’t REALLY want to do it but it gave me something to look forward to and do other than waste time drinking . Don’t force yourself to do anything or be with anyone you don’t want to… you come first. It’s an adjustment to believe we are worthy of coming first but you are! Self care is really important. You are not alone in this x

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words ! Self care is what I really need to start working on , I know that will make me feel a lot better about myself. I have so much free time and because I have nothing else to do I feel very lonely at times . I definitely have to get into something

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  6. Have you seen a therapist.
    If you read my posts you can see my anxiety struggles.
    I take cipralex every day. I really think without it I would struggle to deal with life.
    Anxiety is just so tiring.
    I take magnesium and gaba and practice yoga and eat well. But there is is.

    Have you considered medication? It is another option.
    Otherwise just say no. Forget explaining yourself. Do best you need to be comfortable.
    Anne

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  7. I definitely know the paradox of feeling alone but not being able to stomach being around people. That is what was so hard about meetings for me. I wish I had the solution for either of us. All I can say is that you really aren’t alone in that feeling. Sometimes I just remember how bad it’ll certainly be if I don’t hang on to my sobriety just tonight. Tomorrow is another day.

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