The weather is getting nice in Jersey which means a lot of things are going on. The only problem is that I think I really want to go to these events until it’s time to go to them. One of my high school friends is moving to another state and she’s having her going away party today, it started at 3pm and I haven’t even showered yet. Tomorrow I have a family cookout to go to and I don’t want to go. I have no idea how to explain to people that I don’t want to be around them. I want to get out the house and do things but I get very anxious around everybody. This is hard for me being that I have been very social my whole life. Alcohol was a major part of my life but before I started drinking I was popular in school and I always hung out with a lot of people. Now, it’s hard. I have nothing in common with most people and it gets very awkward when I have nothing to talk to people about. When I was intoxicated all the time I didn’t care about being around people , even the ones I didn’t like, because, alcohol makes everyone tolerable. Now, I can’t stand being around a lot of people. Is that bad? I have no idea.
I’m almost 7 months sober and I thought it would be better by now. This is hard for me. The summer reminds me of liquor and parties . I want to go out and be around people but then I feel very awkward. The hardest thing about this all is that I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it that will understand me. That’s the hard part. With mostly everything that has to do with me, I don’t really have anyone to talk to. When I do try to talk to certain people I feel rejected because they don’t understand me or even try to understand me. Making me feel like I’m over reacting in absolutely everything which causes me to just not speak about a thing.
I’m having a rough day today. I woke up feeling so alone. Well, the last few days I have been feeling like that. This is hard. Staying sober is hard. If I had a drink right now, all this anxiety would go away and I would enjoy this whole weekend. Why can’t I enjoy it sober? I swear if it’s not one thing, it’s another. Why can’t I drink like a normal person? I keep telling myself, this too shall pass, but honestly, I don’t even feel like fighting anymore.
Lord, give me strength.