In a daze. 

I knew saying it would be my first step towards healing. I woke up today in a daze. Replaying that day in my head. Trying to figure out if I did something wrong. Did I ask for it? My mind is messing with me. I know I didn’t ask for it ! He forced himself on me and wouldn’t take no for an answer. I’m just trying to accept the fact that this really happened. That one day, in less than an hour,this man shaped the way I viewed myself for a whole decade.

This is why I say healing is so important. I never thought about this after it happened. I suppressed it so hard that I totally forgot it happened. For the next couple of years I was binge drinking , and living a pretty wild life, I thought I was just having fun. Turns out, it was way deeper than that. The human brain doesn’t fully develop until your mid 20’s. Taking in all that alcohol before the age of 20 takes a toll on the brain. It doesn’t really matter what age you are , excessive drinking is bad for you overall. My point here is that when you don’t deal with things when you have to , you might forget it happened.  Especially when excessive drinking is involved. When we are young we don’t really pay attention to that, technically we don’t really know the effects of alcohol. I just knew it made me feel great and I wanted it ALL THE TIME.

It took me getting sober for the second time to address all my pain and all the damage that has been caused in the past. I don’t really come from a loving family so I never felt comfortable enough to talk about my problems with anyone. So I suppressed A LOT and just drank to numb the pain. My family was always here physically but emotionally they never were. My parents worked hard and always made sure we didn’t need a thing, but, emotionally I wish they were present. They didn’t know. That’s how they were raised, they were raised by tough parents. I personally don’t really know about my dads childhood but I learn about my mom’s childhood here and there. I just love to learn about people and what they have been through. I think it’s very interesting to learn about someone’s childhood and how it plays a part in their adult life.

Psychology has always been a passion of mine. Going through all these emotional issues and facing certain traumas , getting diagnosed with mental disorders, I always wanted to know how this really happens. It goes way deeper than the physical. This is all internal. Internally , we forget. We numb. We deny. We ignore. This is so damaging to our soul.

Right now, I’m in shock. How can you be in shock after 13 years ? I didn’t think this was possible. I don’t really know how to deal with this right now. I feel like my life was robbed from me . What if that incident never happened? Would my outlook on life be different? Would I have never used sex as a tool to manipulate men? I don’t know. This is a lot.

This is why it’s so important to be sober minded. To deal with things you need to heal from. If I would of never got sober this time around I would have never adressed it. I never thought about it until this week. It didn’t click until this week. This is another reason why cleansing your soul , growing your spirituality is so important. It’s possible to suppress things down to the point that you forget it even happened.  I don’t want to live in constant denial. I want to live a free life in every single aspect.

I don’t want to drink. That within itself is amazing! I’m going to trust God on this one. He brought this up within me for a reason. It’s time to deal with it . It’s time to feel what I need to feel. This too shall pass. This too shall be something I heal from. God hasn’t failed me yet and he won’t start now . For his glory🙌✝️


2 thoughts on “In a daze. 

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