I’m just laying here thinking about this week. This week has been good and bad. Good because I finally faced something that happened 13 years ago and I feel FREE. Bad, because it’s not something you can face , heal , and forget about. Opening up has released so much from within. I cried so hard when the words came out of my mouth. I was shaking, I had no idea what to do. I just knew I couldn’t keep it within me anymore.
Healing has steps. The first step to healing is ALWAYS facing your issue head on. The more you suppress, the more you hide, the more you keep saying everything is okay, the more miserable you will be . You’re holding yourself back from truly living when you keep things bottled in. We are the way we are because of what we have been through in life.
Honestly, I hated myself at one point. I hated the person I became. Nobody grows up wanting to be a sex craze depressed alcoholic. That’s literally what my life had turned into. CHAOS! I needed to feel wanted , I needed attention, I needed validation, I needed attention from men so bad. I needed to feel loved even if it wasn’t the real definition of love. How would I know what real love is when I barely ever experienced it. I was so emotionally broken that I wanted to fill that void with anything I could. Even if it meant getting drunk with a complete stranger that I would regret waking up with the next morning. I never knew why….. until this week.
It all makes sense. I thought I was only good for one thing. It only took one time for me to feel that I was just good for one thing. Sex. At 17, I thought he really cared about me . I thought he was truly interested. I blamed myself for going to his house when I should of been in school. I couldn’t tell anyone , they wouldn’t have believed me, I liked him and he liked me. I would of been the fast 17 year old girl that cut class to go see a guy. I know how society works , it would of looked bad. So I stayed shut. I ignored it. He threatened me, the police went to his house but I never told the police what happened, all they had was an email of him threatening to kill me. How do you say something to the cops when a man threatens to kill you? I was 17! I was scared. I just wanted him to leave me alone forever so I could forget it ever happened. Nevermind the fact that I wasn’t a virgin at the time , I felt like I deserved it. If I would of never went to his house it would have never happened. If I would of stayed in class like a “good” girl it would’ve never happened. I lived in shame and guilt for a decade!
Everything is a blur. I acted like it never happened. 13 years later I am FACING this reality. My 20s were a hot mess. I will be 30 next month and I am going into the next chapter of my life READY TO GROW. I can’t change the past. I can’t change what people did to me. I can’t change how people betrayed me . One thing I could change is how I react to it. For so many years, I’ve let everything that I’ve been through suck the life out of me !!! I let other people be the reason why I wanted to take my own life. NEVER AGAIN!
I’ve learned so much in these past 6 1/2 months. Getting sober, getting closer to God, and joining a great church has really helped me heal in so many areas! Areas that I didn’t even think I needed healing in, my goodness my God is amazing !!! Romans 8:28 ❤️ HE WILL ALWAYSSSS WORK IT OUT FOR MY GOOD! The emotional trauma I have experienced almost killed me, how can someone go through so much pain? I’m sure I will cry more tears over this but one thing I won’t do is let this hold me back. Saying things out loud does something to the soul, something good! I refuse to let anything control me anymore. Jesus died for me. THE GIRL WITH A MESSED UP PAST, he stilll loves me and he thought I was to die for.
God, thank you for setting me free !!!!
Crying does something to the soul. In these past 6 months I’ve cried soooo much! I might be running out of tears soon.
Crying is so therapeutic. It’s okay to be mad. It’s okay to lose your damn mind. It’s okay to scream. Just cry. You cant keep things built up inside you. You were meant to cry. You were meant to release your emotions. LET THEM OUT!
I love you all and please know that you are SOOOOOO WORTH IT! Jesus loves you . If anyone needs prayer don’t hesitate to ask, I’m here for everyone . GOD BLESS! ❤️🙌