Still healing.

I blocked him summer 2016. I haven’t spoken to him since. Why am I still not over it? I don’t cry anymore but I do think about him.  The only thing I want to know is, why is it so hard to get over a narcissist? I’m not ready to date yet, because, I’m not healed. Will I ever be completely healed? I have no idea. I just know that I’m not ready to be in a relationship with a man right now.

Dealing with a narcissist is really exhausting. We were involved with each other for less than a year, yet, the damage caused was way deeper than I thought. I could never put my finger on “why?” No one else understood it either. It lasted less than a year and the emotional trauma was as if we were together for years. What happened? Why does the psychological abuse of a narcissist cut so deep?

People expected me to not be hurt over the situation because we weren’t together for a long time. My feelings weren’t valid to anyone. I dealt with this breakup alone because no one understood me. It was the hardest time of my life! This man literally made me fall for him and then discarded me. Blamed me for everything, and, never took responsibility for ANYTHING in his life! Everything was everybody else’s fault. I try to explain this type of abuse to people and no one really gets it. The only ones that do get it are the ones that have went through it themselves. It doesn’t matter how long you been with someone, abuse is abuse. It still scars you.

This type of breakup is not like a normal breakup. I have never experienced this type of hurt in my life until now. Imagine falling in love with someone who’s not really the person you fell in love with, it’s a completely different person. The person he was in the beginning was not really him, it was all an act. Once I was invested, that’s when he pulled back and started playing the hot and cold game. I would explain my feelings to him and it meant nothing to him. Do you know what it’s like to pour your heart out to someone and for them to not care and laugh about it? This is what Narcissists do. They are hyped about you in the beginning, play the perfect boyfriend, you get invested, they pull back, you try to figure out why, he blames you, has no valid answers, plays the victim role, discards you. The craziest thing about narcissists is that after they literally destroy you, they still want to be friends! I fell for this in the beginning, but it’s all a mind game. He just wants to keep you around until he gets bored with the next chick. So he can go back and forth between you and whoever. It’s all a game. An evil game. Do you know how sick in the head you have to be to mentally torment people? It’s sickening!

Healing from this type of relationship takes time. Another relationship won’t fix the damage this relationship has caused. This relationship cut me so deep, but I know ONE THING! I am becoming such a strong woman. I love the woman I am becoming and for that, I don’t regret it. I still love him and I pray that God changes him one day. Not for me,  so he can stop hurting women. I pray that the women after me have enough strength to leave and heal. I love empowering women and I want all my ladies that have experienced dealing with a  narcissist to never blame themselves. It’s not your fault. This is what they do. You can’t fix him, so don’t try. Don’t beat yourself up for allowing yourself to fall for this type of man.  I did that and it got me nowhere. No woman deserves that type of treatment from a  man.

Take your time to heal. Cry if you have to. Scream if you have to. Just don’t ever give up on healing, whatever you do, DO NOT GO BACK.

I pray for all the women all around the world that are currently dealing with the psychological trauma from this type of relationship. I pray God gives us all complete freedom from everything we have been through. We are worthy of love, peace, and joy.