Memories. 

kelli-delaney-sunset-uae-desert

We all have memories. Whether they are good or bad,we all have them. I prefer the memories that make me smile. Unfortunately, we can’t erase the bad memories. I don’t think we would want to do that anyway, everything we have been through makes us who we are today. Facebook is great to connect, but it can have very bad timing at times with their “On this day” feature. Sometimes, you think you are healed when in reality you aren’t . This is why I always say that healing time varies from person to person.

Healing sucks. Now, I see why I ran from it for so long.   I know I’m not healed when a random picture pops up that reminds me of one of the worst times in my life. I know that at one point I will see things that bring up bad memories, but I will be absolutely okay because I overcame. Not yet, though.

I prayed this morning and I really tried to let it go, but, I couldn’t . I just needed a moment to be in touch with my feelings and cry a little bit. If I wasn’t sober , today would be one of those days where I would go drink after work. Since that’s not the case I just have to feel and let this pass. It sucks and it hurts to think about the hurt the person I loved caused me, but, what can I do? It happened. It’s part of who I am now. That part of my life is over, but, the memories are still with me. That one picture brought up a whole bunch of questions in my head. All of a sudden I wanted answers, again. I just wanted to know why? Why hurt me like that? Why treat me like I did not matter? Why did you blame me? Why did you destroy me? Why did you even choose me if you weren’t serious?

Even thought my identity is in God and not in this world, I would be lying if I told you that I didn’t struggle with my insecurities at times. As women I think we all do. The difference between women that overcome and women that don’t is that the overcomer doesn’t dwell on it. Dwelling on things you cannot change is setting yourself up for disaster. When I think about my past relationship, I start thinking that I’m not worthy or lovable. That all stems from previous life experiences, but, that relationship magnified my deepest issues. This is the first time in my life that  I’m digging deep. I knew that I shouldn’t have lost myself over no man, I knew I had to figure out why. That’s what I have been doing since I got sober. Why does it hurt me so much when someone leaves me? why do I feel abandoned and rejected? Why do I get depressed to the point that I cant get out of bed. Something isn’t right. I know heartbreak hearts, but, this was different. My whole life stopped. I couldn’t live without him. I didn’t want to. I needed him! I don’t ever want to feel like I NEED anyone but GOD. God is ALWAYS here. Human beings come and go. I don’t  even think that I truly loved him, I was attached in an unhealthy way.

Healing is a process. It doesn’t happen overnight. Just when you think you are healed, something reminds you that you are not truly healed. It’s okay. I had a moment today and I will not dwell on it. God is my provider, my healer, my EVERYTHING. This is part of the process. I do not want to go into another relationship with emotional baggage. This time right now is for me. To stay to myself, get closer to God, and grow. Heal, be happy, and LIVE.

 

 

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