When I got saved I knew I wanted to grow spiritually, but, I had no idea that God was going to instruct me to wait until marriage. All of my past relationships and situationships started off with sex. I never waited to get to know someone, if I wanted to have sex with someone I would. I thought I was free to do whatever I wanted. If a man can do it why can’t I, was my mentality. I lost my virginity at 14. I started drinking around 17, that’s when I started having a lot more sex. A lot of drunk meaningless sex. I wasn’t building any strong foundations with anyone. I was literally getting drunk and having sex with whoever I was dating at the time. I did that for a very long time. When I got out of one relationship I was jumping into the next man’s bed without getting to know him. I was literally doing whatever I wanted because I could. I’m almost positive that if I didn’t have a drinking problem I wouldn’t have a crazy past. I say that because I can count on both hands how many times I have had sex sober. That’s sad, I know. That’s what happens when you drink like a fish and place your worth in the hands of man. All that sex and alcohol led to destruction and broken-ness.
Up to this day I have never had a healthy relationship. I have been in relationships with 2 alcoholics, dated 2 men that were molested at a young age, a drug dealer that is currently in jail, and a married man. A bunch of other men in between that I just didn’t care much about to remember. As you can see I dealt with a lot of dysfunctional men. I always say that dysfunction attracts dysfunction. Now that I am a follower of Christ it makes perfect sense as to why you are attracted to certain people.
I got saved around the time that I became sober, I cut off the randoms I was dealing with and started my no sex journey. This was hard. Celibacy means no sexual acts, not even masturbation. I been watching porn for years, breaking that habit is tough. I still haven’t been delivered from it. I can honestly say that sometimes I don’t even try to stay away.
“I’m not having sex and I’m being obedient in these other parts of my life, let me enjoy this porn, it’s all I have God.” – my mind.
Every time I watch porn I always say, “this is the last time, just one more time”. If you ever experienced any type of addiction struggles you know that one more time just keeps turning into another “one more time” .
I chose to stay away from men to heal. I never had a healthy dating life. I believe healthy dating starts with taking care of yourself in every aspect of your life. I want to keep getting closer to God. My spirituality means A lot to me. It is the only thing that brings me true peace. I’m learning how to live life all over again. Sober, living for Jesus, and, honoring him with my body. But, am I really honoring him with my body if I’m watching porn? NO. WHY? Because those are God’s people. Those are human beings with souls that I objectify for my own pleasure. ugh SELFISH!
I decided to open up about my celibacy journey to have accountability. I don’t want to have sex and I do want to honor God with my body, but, I would be lying if I told you it was easy to do. It’s not. This is the reality of a Christ follower. Yes, we love God, but, we also struggle. Christians aren’t perfect at all, so please do not think that. I am far from perfect which is why I need a savior.
My past was full of dysfunction. God chose me for such a time as this. This is where the growing is going to occur. This is when those strongholds will be broken in the name of Jesus. I want to honor God in every part of my life. I’m choosing celibacy because it is important not to tie my soul with someone who is not my husband. Soul ties are real. Soul ties are the reason why a lot of people stay in dysfunctional relationships. I’ll speak about soul ties in another post, but, just know that soul ties are VERY REAL. I’m choosing celibacy because I want to be free. I don’t want anything to have power over me except GOD.
Today marks day 1 of my celibacy journey. I know with God I can do anything. This fight is a lot more spiritual than it is physical. In order for me to grow spiritually I need to practice obedience and discipline in every aspect of my life. Everything I do is to bring glory to God. I am his daughter, he didn’t make me to settle for mediocrity, he made me for GREATNESS.
Greatness comes with great discipline.
1 Peter 4: 3-4 – You have had enough in the past of the evil things that godless people enjoy. Their immorality and lust, their feasting and drunkenness and wild parties, and their terrible worship of idols. Of course, your former friends are surprised when you no longer plunge into the flood of wild and destructive things they do.
1 John 2: 15-17 – Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world. and this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever.