I remember one day when I asked one of my friends, “hey, how long do you think it’ll take for me to heal from this situation?”. I was not expecting his answer at all. He replied with, ” well, the truth is you never know, it can take days or months, or, it can take years.” That response stayed with me for a while. I didn’t really know what to do, I just knew that I wanted to heal from everything life has thrown at me so far. I never realized how much baggage I was carrying until I tried to heal.
That’s the hard pill to swallow, accepting the fact that you need to heal. A lot of us never heal because we don’t think we have anything to heal from. The minute you mention healing, all of a sudden everybody is good and needs no healing what so ever. I prolonged my healing for so long. I didn’t want to face the truth. That’s the thing, a lot of us don’t want to face the truth, because, it hurts. The reality of what you have been through is the truth. It is your life, your feelings, your hurt. I personally don’t think there will ever be a perfect time to heal. Healing is one of the hardest things to do. Healing confronts the uncut, raw, truth. A lot of us aren’t ready for that. We don’t want to accept the things that happened in our lives. We’d rather never address the issues, and, act like they never happened.
We numb ourselves. We numb ourselves with work, sex, alcohol, drugs, relationships, porn, school, food, etc. We numb ourselves because it is the only thing that makes life worth living. I remember getting drunk and having sex with whoever I wanted because it made me feel good. It numbed the pain. It was all so perfect when I was intoxicated. The men seemed so great when I was drunk. Life was just better that way. See, when you are around other hurt people you just deal with it. You start thinking everyone is damaged. You start thinking this is life, there’s no other side to this, this is it. But, there is another side. It’s called freedom.
You can heal, but, the only way to actually heal is to accept the fact that you need healing. The easiest way for me to work on the areas of healing was to ask myself “why’?
Why do I drink so much?
Why do I have sex with men that I don’t even like?
Why do I feel rejected when someone tells me no?
Why am I so hurt that the relationship ended?
Why can’t I forgive that person?
A lot of us can get answers if we ask ourselves why. A lot of my issues came from feeling unwanted. I felt like nobody cared about me. The people closest to me hurt me, so, that became my definition of “love”. I thought certain things were acceptable because of what I experienced in my childhood. Most of us are still dealing with childhood issues, that is the problem. We are children living in adult bodies. At some point you have to tell yourself that it’s time to forgive. It is time to forgive your mother, father, brother, sister, uncle, friend, etc. Holding on to past hurts is hurting us in our daily adult lives. Holding on to past hurts is why some of us get into dysfunctional relationships and think it is okay. A lot of us are prisoners to our past, you have to let that stuff go. I know it’s hard, I know it hurts, but, you have to let that go. You will never truly be free and enjoy life the way you should if you don’t let go.
Forgiveness is for you, not for anyone else, YOU!
One thing that helped me forgive is that some people just don’t know any better. Some men didn’t grow up with fathers. Some people were abandoned by their own mother and/or father. People hurt us because they are hurting. Maybe, your parents never recovered from their childhood. A lot of my hurt came from my parents, I had both of them in my life, but, once they got divorced things were just different. I held on to that for more than 10 years and I still have some work to do. I’m not saying it will be easy, but, it will be worth it.
Nobody is perfect. We are all flawed. We have to accept people for who and what they are, sometimes you have to forgive people and love them from a distance, that’s okay. You cannot change your past, you cannot change people, the only person you have control over is you.
Are you going to face the truth and heal, or will you be a prisoner to your past?
I personally think we will always be healing, when we recover from one thing we will have to recover from another, that’s okay though. Just remember, take all the time you need to heal. Do not rush it and don’t let other people rush your healing. Take your time, cry, reach out to people, try to get answers to your questions. You didn’t deserve anything that happened to you, but, the one thing you do deserve is healing.