Confessions of a Binge Eater.

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This is such a tough post to write and I really don’t even know how it’s going to come out, but… here it goes.

I started playing basketball at the age of 12. I fell in love with basketball and played all through High School. My parents divorced when I was 16, out of nowhere I just lost the love for basketball. My parents were constantly fighting and on top of the divorce, me and my brother got separated. I decided to stay with my dad and my brother decided to go with my mom. It was tough. I was young. Our parents didn’t really talk to us about what was going on, it just happened and we had to deal with it. At the time, me and my brother never really talked about it, I mean, we were just teenagers trying to figure it all out. My emotions were all over the place, I just knew I had to keep it together for the time being. A lot of things went on that I may talk about one day, but for now I’ll just leave them out. I can tell you this though, the divorce made my parents two different people. I am now understanding  that they were humans going through a rough time. I’m learning to forgive.

I turned to alcohol, partying, and men. At first , it was here and there. Then I turned 18. I was able to get into clubs and I always found someone to buy me liquor.That’s when my life changed completely. This is when the weight gain started. I was partying and drinking ALL THE TIME. I was also eating after the club. The next day I would also eat whatever I wanted because I needed to get over a hangover. We all know that when you are hung-over the last thing you think about is healthy eating. Nope, pass me that pizza and carbonated soda. The pounds just kept coming on. 11 years later I’m 100 lbs heavier. I lost weight here and there but I never lost those 100 lbs. I might have lost 50, 2 or 3 times, but, I always gained it back. I never had a healthy relationship with food. My life was full of dysfunction by the time I was 18, I didn’t even care about my health because it just wasn’t important. Partying and getting drunk was a lot more important. It was the only thing giving me life. Without it I hated the way I felt. I hated being sober, I couldn’t face reality yet.

When I wasn’t drinking, I was eating. I’m a sugar lover, so anything that is filled with sugar and carbs, I LOVE!  I realized  that food made me feel better. Food does the same as thing as alcohol, the high is amazing! So, when I wasn’t drinking I was eating, even when I wasn’t hungry. Eating because I was happy, sad , lonely, etc. I knew the weight was coming on, but it was coming on slowly so I didn’t pay it any mind. It started taking a toll on me when people started calling me an alcoholic and a failure. Those words just stuck to me. I could not get them out of my head for NOTHING. That’s when I really turned to food. Next thing you know I’m weighing over 200 lbs.

A basketball athlete. A point guard and shooting guard. A popular well-known smart athletic girl turned into a binge eating alcoholic. I couldn’t stand that. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. I just kept drinking and eating. I was so depressed. Sex, food, and alcohol were my life. My life was in shambles and I had no idea how to get it under control. Thoughts of suicide were in my head like no other. I cried a lot. Deep down I knew I didn’t want to kill myself, but I knew it was the only way to stop the pain. No one knew what I was going through. I pretended like everything was great, it wasn’t. Far from great. People just kept calling me fat and lazy. It wasn’t coming from strangers either, it was coming from FAMILY. Do you know how much that hurt? The people you didn’t choose, the people who you love because they are family, the people that you have known your whole life, these are the people that are hurting you.

They often tell you to lose weight, eat better, and just work out if you don’t like the way you look. The thing about it is that it’s not a physical fight that you are battling with. It’s ALL MENTAL. It’s a mental battle that you are constantly fighting, day in and day out. You don’t get a “break”. This is your mind, you are trapped with no way out. I have lost weight and gained it all back because I never figured out how to have a healthy relationship with food. When you have nothing else, you always have food. I’m 3 months sober, but, I have food. This is the reality of it. The reality of addiction. .

This has been my life since I was a teenager, I am 29 now. I am trying! I am trying to figure it all out. I am trying to be healthy. I am trying to be free from addictions. I AM TRYING MY BEST. So, please stop telling me what to do. Stop thinking that your words help when they are far from motivation. Stop giving me “tough” love. I don’t need that. What I need is for you to understand what I am going through. If you don’t understand,that’s  okay , I don’t really expect you to. What I do expect you to do is educate yourself on mental health. Educate yourself on addictions. Educate yourself on how the brain works. JUST EDUCATE YOURSELF! If you really care about me, educate yourself so you can see how you can help me.  Knowledge is pointless if you don’t put it to use. No, I am not “playing” victim. This is my life, my REAL feelings. Hispanics are real ignorant when it comes to mental health and it makes me sick to my stomach. Before you make an ignorant comment, just think before you speak. You have no idea about the battles that I face daily, so please if you have nothing nice to say DO NOT SAY IT AT ALL.

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13 thoughts on “Confessions of a Binge Eater.

  1. You are so strong! So brave and have such a powerful voice. I know what it is like to feel less than and indulge. This is something so many deal with you are amazing for speaking out! Thank you for sharing!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I struggle with food, and sugar as well. I can easily medicate with food. Very easily. I easily mimic my alcoholic habits with food (and mostly sugar). I hide / get secretive. I stash wrappers. I pre-eat when going out for dinner. Etcetera. Now, it’s not every time. I am much better these days, but I can still get into those habits. I have to be aware of myself. It’s easy for me to say “fuck it” and just gorge on sugar. I get sick from sugar sometimes. Have sugar hangovers. I eat sugar sometimes when I don’t really feel like it, but I force myself too.

    I am slowly trying to apply what I have learned in recovery for alcohol to food. But it’s hard because, well, we have to eat. My scale is my frenemy. ha ha. Like you, I look forward in cultivating a healthy relationship with food.

    Thanks for this!
    Paul

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so sorry. People have no clue.
    I’m a starver. And I got so much positive reinforcement when I restrict. I felt I could never eat because I would disappoint others and then what…

    Food is a hard one. I still monitor my own emotions around it and over 3 years sober it is still a big topic of my therapy.

    Hug. You will be ok. Focus on you. On feeling ok.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I think it is terrible that eating disorders do not get appropriate attention. Eating a lot after drinking is familiar to me. I did that too. Plus when I wanted to lose weight I simply did not eat anything for days…did not work of course.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Exactly which is why I feel like I need to open up about it. Eating disorders do not get attention the way alcohol and drugs do . Good luck to you tho πŸ™‚ Food is something we can’t just cut out unlike drugs and alcohol, we actually need food . Im looking forward to working on a healthy relationship with food. The struggle is real !

      Liked by 1 person

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