Change is hard.

Staying sober is hard.

Transforming yourself is hard.

This is hard.

Staying away from alcohol is the easy part, dealing with life is the hard part. When you’re always drunk you’re living in fantasy land. You drink to not face reality, people, emotions, “real life”. Everything is tolerable when you are drunk. All that changes when you get sober.

Everything changes.

When you get sober, it’s not about just putting the bottle down. You are changing your whole life. My life was once based around alcohol, everything I ever did was revolved around alcohol, now my life is based on growth, learning, and consistency. Life before sobriety was filled with chaos, fake conversations, fake friendships, drama, toxic relationships, and everything else you can think of that’s self sabotaging. Drunk me didn’t mind being around certain people,  everyone is tolerable when you are intoxicated. The sad part is that I feel bad about not wanting to be around certain people now. We always think that just because we’ve been friends with people for so long, or, that we are family we have to tolerate them and their behavior. I’ve come to the realization that it is absolutely okay to have standards.

I never had standards. From friendships, relationships, to family, I never had standards. I let people treat me however they decided to treat me. Being drunk allows you to tolerate people, it also allows you to make excuses for people’s behavior. I just want everyone to know that I don’t care who you are, you are absolutely entitled to who and what you allow in your life. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE STANDARDS.

It’s not okay for people to disrespect you.

It’s not okay for people to talk about you.

It’s not okay for people to use you.

It’s not okay for people to belittle you.

When I talk about standards, some people automatically assume relationships. You can have standards in every aspect of your life. You deserve to be around loving, caring, and genuine individuals. I realized that I had a lot of toxic people around me, from the men I was sleeping with, to the women I called my friends. Everyone had dysfunction in their lives. A lot of them were toxic. I was toxic as well. Dysfunction loves to be around dysfunction. It’s the only way to fit in. You feel better about things, especially your life, since EVERYONE has problems and EVERYONE is going through it.

For example, if everyone around you is getting disrespected by their significant other you are going to think it’s okay to tolerate it, you start thinking all men are in fact the same. It’s never okay for a man to verbally  and/or mentally abuse you. Cheating is not the only form of disrespect. A man can disrespect you without hitting you or sleeping with another woman. We need to get out of the mindset that they are no good men out here. The reason we tolerate certain behavior is because we don’t want to end up alone, and, because we don’t think there’s better out there. Good men do exist. There’s men out here that will respect you and treat you like the queen that you are. Don’t miss him by dealing and focusing on someone who doesn’t even value or respect you.

Another example, If your whole life you’ve seen everyone around you get divorced and bash the idea of marriage, you will not think highly of marriage. What we surround ourselves with and what we allow others to feed into our brains has a HUGE impact on us, this is why it is so important to protect your space and your mind.

Stop thinking it’s okay for people to disrespect you and treat you however they want just because you have never had healthy relationships in your life. It’s okay to take a step back and work on yourself so you can attract people of good character. You can’t expect to attract certain people in your life when you have bad character. I hate to admit it, but, you are what you attract. If you are messed up on the inside, you will attract people who are also messed up on the inside, you have things in common, it’s easier to connect. Now that I am sober, I can’t be around certain people, I still love them, but, I just can’t be around dysfunction, hate, drama, or negativity.

I wish people understood that sobriety is way more than putting the bottle down. You are learning to love yourself and the life you live. You are learning about yourself and what truly matters in life. Things that you’ve considered acceptable before are no longer acceptable in a sober state of mind. When you get sober you start to respect yourself, you realize your worth as a woman, you don’t tolerate anything from fear of being alone. God made woman for man, not man for woman.

Standards are  a sign of respect. Respect yourself enough to have standards in every aspect of your life. We are all damaged. Do not let your past hurts hinder your future. Change is possible. Healing is possible. Healthy friendships and relationships are possible. It all starts with you. Take care of you and everything else will follow.

Proverbs 4:23 – Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

What standards do you have in your life?



8 thoughts on “Standards.

  1. Love this, Cristal. (Nice to “meet” you, by the way)

    I think what a lot of folks in recovery fail to see is that it’s more than just putting down the drink (or fork, or whatever it is that we choose to do to numb). It’s about a wholesale change. We look at the things which made up pick up in the first place, and deal with THOSE things. And it’s not easy. But we do it, and we are better for it. I have over 5 1/2 yrs sober and I am still unearthing, discovering, examining things in my life. I still make mistakes, but I take ownership. I try to do the right thing. I have and keep boundaries (standards) – something I never used to do before. We are just trying to navigate through this life without trying to check out of it.

    Great post!


    Liked by 1 person

  2. I often have conversations with people that say to me ‘Other people don’t do the right thing so why should I?’. I prefer to turn it around to ‘Other people might act like assholes but why should I?’ I’m far from perfect but I do try to take a moment to react to life in ways that fit with positive and loving personal ethics and standards. Not drinking helps me to stay on the positive side too 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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