See, all I want to do is drink, eat, have sex, and do it over, and over, AGAIN. I need this high, this high Is the only thing that makes my life worth living. Life sucks sober, pass me the bottle. I don’t want to be sober if I don’t have to, life is too real, I can’t deal. When I’m intoxicated nothing else matters. Self-destruction feels great. Being drunk feels even better. Eating pizza and laying up with a man who can’t do anything for me but give me good sex feels great. Pizza, good D, and alcohol is all a girl needs. Life is a b*tch. The only way to feel good is to get drunk and entertain the idea that someone loves me. He only “loves” me temporarily. He only “loves” me because it feels good. He only “loves” me because I’m convenient. He only “loves” me because I’m F*CKIN him! I don’t care, I rather entertain the false idea of love than to spend time alone. I rather keep hope alive than face the truth. Feed me lies, tell me what I want to hear, stroke my ego, and keep hurting me. After all, I’m addicted to the pain.
I’m addicted to being drunk. I’m addicted to having random sex. I’m addicted to the chase. I’m addicted to the dysfunction.A life with peace? What is that, I don’t know that life, you can keep that.All I know is chaos, I know I shouldn’t be getting drunk and having sex with you but it feels good, why would I stop? I know you have other women, but, so what, nobody is me. At least that’s what I thought. You break my heart over and over again, but, every time we get drunk and have sex again, my mind tells me you’re the one for me. It’s a cycle that I can’t get out of. It’s a cycle that brings me pain. It’s the only cycle that I know, so, I stay.
One minute you love me, the next minute you hate me. One minute you ignore me, the next minute you’re telling me to come over. One minute you want me to leave you alone, the next minute you can’t live without me. What is it going to be? You don’t even know, because you’re just as messed up as me.
My friends are telling me I need to do better. Leave him alone, he’s no good for you. See, that’s the thing, you don’t know what’s good for me. After all these years, after all this alcohol, and after all these men, this is all I know. You want me to change, but, you don’t even understand my pain. See, I know I deserve better, I know I need to love myself, and I know I need to walk away from this life, but how? THIS IS ALL I KNOW.
I love my sin. How can I change? God don’t want me, he don’t want to hear anything I have to say, I’m a mess. I’ve ignored him for years. I cry myself to sleep, but, that’s not enough to walk away. Pass me the bottle, let me numb this pain. I hate this life, but, I also love it. I know my sin is eating my soul away but, I can’t seem to turn over this page. If I walk away, no alcohol, no men, no sex, how do I live? Will I end up alone? At least in my dysfunction I can always find somebody to lay up with. At least in my addiction I can always find someone to get drunk with. Alcohol makes the world go round, it’s everywhere, literally. We have more liquor stores than churches, you tell me how I’m suppose to walk away.
God if you hear me, HELP ME.