Addicted to the pain.

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 See, all I want to do is drink, eat, have sex, and do it over, and over, AGAIN. I need this high, this high Is the only thing that makes my life worth living. Life sucks sober, pass me the bottle.  I don’t want to be sober if I don’t have to, life is too real, I can’t deal. When I’m intoxicated nothing else matters. Self-destruction feels great. Being drunk feels even better. Eating pizza and laying up with a man who can’t do anything for me but give me good sex feels great. Pizza, good D, and alcohol is all a girl needs. Life is a b*tch. The only way to feel good is to get drunk and entertain the idea that someone loves me. He only “loves” me temporarily. He only “loves” me because it feels good. He only “loves” me because I’m convenient. He only “loves” me because I’m F*CKIN him! I don’t care, I rather entertain the false idea of love than to spend time alone. I rather keep hope alive than face the truth. Feed me lies, tell me what I want to hear, stroke my ego, and keep hurting me. After all, I’m addicted to the pain.

I’m addicted to being drunk. I’m addicted to having random sex. I’m addicted to the chase. I’m addicted to the dysfunction.A life with peace? What is that, I don’t know that life, you can keep that.All I know is chaos, I know I shouldn’t be getting drunk and having sex with you but it feels good, why would I stop? I know you have other women, but, so what, nobody is me. At least that’s what I thought. You break my heart over and over again, but, every time we get drunk and have sex again, my mind tells me you’re the one for me. It’s a cycle that I can’t get out of. It’s a cycle that brings me pain. It’s the only cycle that I know, so, I stay.

One minute you love me, the next minute you hate me. One minute you ignore me, the next minute you’re telling me to come over. One minute you want me to leave you alone, the next minute you can’t live without me. What is it going to be? You don’t even know, because you’re just as messed up as me. 

My friends are telling me I need to do better. Leave him alone, he’s no good for you. See, that’s the thing, you don’t know what’s good for me. After all these years, after all this alcohol, and after all these men, this is all I know. You want me to change, but, you don’t even understand my pain. See, I know I deserve better, I know I need to love myself, and I know I need to walk away from this life, but how?  THIS IS ALL I KNOW.

I love my sin. How can I change? God don’t want me, he don’t want to hear anything I have to say, I’m a mess. I’ve ignored him for years. I cry myself to sleep, but, that’s not enough to walk away. Pass me the bottle, let me numb this pain. I hate this life, but, I also love it. I know my sin is eating my soul away but, I can’t seem to turn over this page. If I walk away, no alcohol, no men, no sex, how do I live? Will I end up alone? At least in my dysfunction I can always find somebody to lay up with. At least in my addiction I can always find someone to get drunk with. Alcohol makes the world go round, it’s everywhere, literally. We have more liquor stores than churches, you tell me how I’m suppose to walk away.

God if you hear me, HELP ME.

 

 

 

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10 thoughts on “Addicted to the pain.

  1. God is waiting for us to give Him our troubles…
    I thought I was the only one to be “addicted to sin”!
    I encourage you to get to some support group meetings. You’re in a bad situation when you’re alone, and up in your head. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hiya,

    Thanks for stopping by my blog. I’ve been reading through yours as well and I see some common themes. I thing bloggers have a natural tendacy to gravitate to the topics that mean the most to us, even if it’s not what was intended. Have you ever sat down to write a post about something and it ends up coming out completely differently than you had planned?

    I admire how you have revealed yourself over the timeline of your posts. It’s obvious to anyone that you’re incredibly intelligent, both logically and emotionally, and that you have the gift of what I call “personal objectification” — that is, to be able to look at yourself objectively as though from various angles. Like a photographer snapping shots of a model as she poses and moves, you can capture a sense of the scene by the grace of your perspective alone.

    I say this as both a compliment and as a warning: those who can introspectively analyze themselves are capable of great personal knowledge, but are also doomed to be especially hard on themselves when it comes to judgement. I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced that, but if you have, I can only say that you are far more magnificent than you think.

    Consider an abstract art painting (Google Images>”Abstract Art” for some examples). When viewed from far away, the eye and the mind naturally pulls together something within it. Two people may look at the painting and see wildly different images. When examined closely, you can admire the quality of the brush strokes and perhaps divine more about the craftsmanship and skill of the artist.

    This grants you insight that others, namely those who don’t look as closely, may not have. It raises your intelligence about the painting as a whole. But consider what’s missing if you spend too much time being so close to the picture: the art!

    You are the art, both the master-crafted brush strokes and the wildly amazing and interpreted image that those around you see. You grow and breath, think, influence, and change the world each day without even knowing it.

    Perhaps this isn’t at all applicable to you, or perhaps it is, and perhaps this will or will not help you. But the next time you are unsure about your place in the world, or in life, consider that you might be looking too closely at the brush strokes to see how it plays into the rest of the piece.

    Thanks again for stopping by my blog and I look forward to reading more of yours!

    — With love.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Omg that was so on point !!! I’ve always been super hard on myself , and that is a bad thing for me at least because I overwhelm myself and fall back into depression. so glad you pointed that out . I have to pay close attention to that and make sure I’m not obsessing about being perfect and just relax. Thank you so much for your words

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Addiction is way beyond bad habits. God helps those who help themselves. Find help. Go to AA. Call a therapist. Surround yourself with support.

    Each of us has intense, heartbreaking pain. But to find joy, you have to have pain. Numbing it all results in a grey and bleak life.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m not God, or even any semblance of something good, but there are times in life that facing pain is important. Maybe you’re at a dropping off point where you can accept the crap around you, so that you can take control of yourself and do the things that are important to you.

    If I were to ask you what is the one thing that benefits you, what would be your answer?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well this is not my current state , I wrote this so people can get an understanding of why it’s so hard to change at times. I’ve accepted everything for what it is and took full responsibility for my life . I’m at a point where I’m just growing every single day, taking my sobriety one day at a time. The one thing that benefits me is that I don’t have ties to anything, I don’t have anything holding me back from changing and being a better person. It’s just me , and that can be a blessing at times.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. I’m embarrassed, I probably sounded like I was lecturing…

        I’m glad you’re in a better place. I haven’t quite figured it out yet, but I’m taking it one day at a time too. 😊

        Like

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