As much as I loved to get drunk, I’ve come to the realization that sobriety is one of the best gifts I could have ever given myself. I’m only 40 days in and my mind gets clearer by the day. Before I got sober I was so depressed, my mind was constantly filled with so much negativity, everything that I’ve been through, things I wasn’t able to let go of, and, so much emotional baggage that was literally weighing me down.
This time around it was different for me, I knew I had to stop for good, my life depended on it.
I got sober for the first time in 10 years, in 2014, for 10 months. I got to a point where I was so confident that I could handle alcohol again like a “normal” person, WRONG. I thought I had things under control, I promised myself that I wouldn’t let myself go down that road again, I failed. Addiction lies. For 2 years, 730 whole days, I indulged in self-destructive behavior. My life was in shambles. It’s a mental battle going on in your mind, you’re trying to figure out if you’re really an alcoholic or if it’s just a phase. I believed it was just a phase, months later my life was unmanageable, again.
In order to save myself, I had to stop drinking. I had no choice. Before I got sober I constantly prayed on it, I asked God for strength almost everyday. I couldn’t do this alone, I was so scared to get sober again. I knew everything about my life had to change, not parts of it, but , ALL OF IT. I cried my eyes out when I prayed, I begged God to change me if being sober was his plan for my life.
The week of Thanksgiving 2016, I got drunk every single day. I would look in the mirror, eyes small and chinky, cheeks rosy red, I would just stare at myself and just think about how I’m destroying myself, day in and day out. Thanksgiving day was the last day I got drunk. I remember waking up that Friday, November 25th, and I said to myself, “this is it, I can’t live like this anymore”. It’s so crazy, because, that day I felt it in my spirit, I had to get off social media for a while, stop talking to certain people, stay to myself, and just focus on God. I was praying every day, a couple of times a day, reading the word, and watching sermons on-line like clockwork. My main focus is to get closer to God, that’s the only way I’m going to survive, I knew I couldn’t do it by myself. It was like God was calling me to get closer to him, so crazy and dope at the same time.
The thing about getting sober is that it’s so much more than just getting sober. When you put the bottle down, that’s when your life really begins. Reality starts to hit you and now you’re overwhelmed with emotions. Guilt,shame,anger, depression, everything you can think of, I experience it. I have to face everything I was running from, everything that made me want to drink in the first place, I have to deal with it, sober.
Every day is a new day to keep striving towards the life God has planned for me. I’m not perfect, I still get moody, anxious, and annoyed at the smallest things, but, I know it’s because I’m still fresh in sobriety and I’m learning to deal with life again, without alcohol. I feel like a child learning new things, learning what makes me happy, and what makes me, me. This sobriety thing is pretty exciting, you learn a lot about yourself, you start to realize what’s really important. I’m so blessed to get another chance at life. I’m unpacking this emotional baggage, and it feels great. I’m forgiving people who weren’t even sorry, that feels GREAT. I’m letting things go, and that feels AMAZING. I’m starting to feel free and alive. I know every day won’t be sunshine and smiles, but, I do know that every day sober will always be better than my best day drunk. I’m trusting the process.
Healing is a process, don’t prolong the process. If you’re thinking about change, just do it, start. The most important thing is to start. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other, start. You can’t skip the process, it’ll be waiting for you, you have to start it sooner or later. Start now, heal, you won’t regret it.
Change is a beautiful thing. Fear kept me paralyzed for a very long time, not any more. I will keep putting one foot in front of the other, and, I will succeed in all areas of life. With God by my side, I will always be okay.
Psalm 34:18 – The lord is close to the broken-hearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
2 Corinthians 5:17 – The old life is gone; a new life has begun.