As the year is coming to an end, like many of us, I’ve been thinking about everything that has happened this year. My life now is different from how it first began in 2016, and to me that is nothing, but , PROGRESS. Progress is a great thing. Most of the time we get caught up in our struggles, and how long we have left to reach a certain goal that we drive ourselves crazy. We are always chasing something, whether it’s a job, degree, or a relationship, we feel as if once we get that “thing”, we made it. Stop chasing things that “supposedly” define you. It’s okay to have goals and want certain things in life, but don’t let those things take up your whole world to the point where you are stressed out, unhappy, or discontent.
When this year started I was going back and forth with my ex, and, me and my best friend were still the bestest of friends. Unfortunately, things don’t always work out the way we want them to. My ex moved on, and, me and my “best friend” are no longer friends. I lost 2 relationships that at one point I thought would get better and potentially last forever, but, they didn’t. Who knows what the future holds, but, as of now this is what it is.
This year was a huge mess. All I did was drink,run up my credit cards, work, and date randoms. I went on a couple of vacations and had some great experiences, but, I was drunk majority of the time. I wasn’t happy at all and I couldn’t figure out why ANOTHER relationship failed. I blamed myself for a lot of things, I felt I wasn’t worthy, or lovable, the breakup triggered a lot of abandonment issues from my past which made me feel like I wasn’t enough, like I was the problem.
Life has a way of breaking us down to the point where we lose hope. I had no fight left in me. I just wanted to die. I kept searching for happiness in a bottle but kept coming up empty. I got to a point where I just had to give it all to God. He was my only hope. I knew that in order for my life to get better, I had to let go of my past life and surrender it all to Jesus. My life was in shambles, I wanted a man to love me so bad that I kept falling into the arms of the most unstable men, men that were nowhere near capable of loving me the way God created women to be loved. I kept running from God, I thought that the things of this world would fulfill me one day. That day never came.
I haven’t had a drink in 35 days. These past 35 days I’ve been so focused on God and getting to know him better. I’ve come to the realization that no matter how much I search, this world will NEVER fill this huge void in my heart. Alcohol and men will never truly satisfy me. They are addictions that just leave you wanting more and more, thinking that the next time it will be better, the next time you will be happy. It’s always next time. Addiction is a lie.
My struggles have brought me to where I am right now. I am thankful , content, and absolutely blessed. The biggest lesson of the year for me is learning how to be content in my current season. I focused a lot of my time on what I didn’t have that I totally lost focus in what I do have. I was so pressed for a relationship, a husband, and some kids. God knew if he gave me those things I would mess it all up. I was and still am nowhere near ready for all of that. God has broken me down into pieces and is molding me into the woman who I’m meant to be. A woman full of love, peace, joy, forgiveness,contentment, and patience. I have areas of my life that I still need to work on in order to be a better woman,and an even better wife and mother. I trust God whole-heartedly in what he’s doing in my life.
Even though I may be in a season of loneliness, this season will prepare me for something great. We are all called to different seasons for different reasons.
I have purpose and I’m worth so much more than my addictions.