The last drinks.

I never knew I was addicted, until I tried to stop.

6 days ago, it was Friday. My usual Friday ritual is to stop at the liquor store before going home, not that day. I literally had to argue with myself so I wouldn’t go pick up some Bacardi. As soon as I got home, I went into my room, took off my clothes, and jumped in bed. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I didn’t want to watch TV, I didn’t want to do ANYTHING. I just thought, eventually,I was going to go to bed and sleep the night away. DEFINITELY NOT!

I kept tossing and turning. I was so upset, angry, anxious, everything you can think of. I don’t really know how to explain it but the feeling was just way too much for me. I really wanted to punch someone in the face if I could. It was that bad. I literally had no idea what was going on with my body. I called my mom and asked her, ” do you ever feel like fucking shit up?”, that’s exactly how I feel right now. She didn’t really know what was going on with me so she just asked me if I was okay, I replied with idk, grabbed my keys, and walked out the door.

If you didn’t guess it by now, YES,I ended up at the liquor store. As soon as I walked into the liquor store all my anxiety went away. At that very moment I realized that I really have a problem. I kind of always knew but I was able to brush it off because my problem wasn’t “that bad”. I never  thought it was that bad, especially, when other people tell you it’s not that bad, well if no one thinks it’s that bad then it’s not bad. That’s just how my mind works. Of course, you don’t feel as guilty indulging in something that’s messing up your life when people tell you it’s not that bad. My life looks well put together to everyone else, so, I can’t be that bad. WRONG.

I knew this was the last time when my anxiety turned into happiness as soon as I got my bottle. I knew it was time for change, immediately.

That night I got so drunk. I drank at home for a bit and then went out for some drinks. Before I left the house I was sure to fill up a water bottle with bacardi and coke. I looked at the bottle and realized that only 1/4 of the alcohol was left. I just told myself that this was my last night and I was going out with a bang. I definitely went out with a bang. I finished my “water bottle”, ordered more drinks when I got to the club, and by the time I got home I was wasted.

I woke up on Saturday morning feeling like shit. I was drinking gatorade, trying so hard to bring myself back to life so I can enjoy my Saturday. Definitely not.

I made a promise to myself that day, that I was done with alcohol, for good.

I’m on day 4.