The last drinks.

Sad girl holding glass of scotch

I never knew I was addicted, until I tried to stop.

6 days ago, it was Friday. My usual Friday ritual is to stop at the liquor store before going home, not that day. I literally had to argue with myself so I wouldn’t go pick up some Bacardi. As soon as I got home, I went into my room, took off my clothes, and jumped in bed. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I didn’t want to watch TV, I didn’t want to do ANYTHING. I just thought, eventually,I was going to go to bed and sleep the night away. DEFINITELY NOT!

I kept tossing and turning. I was so upset, angry, anxious, everything you can think of. I don’t really know how to explain it but the feeling was just way too much for me. I really wanted to punch someone in the face if I could. It was that bad. I literally had no idea what was going on with my body. I called my mom and asked her, ” do you ever feel like fucking shit up?”, that’s exactly how I feel right now. She didn’t really know what was going on with me so she just asked me if I was okay, I replied with idk, grabbed my keys, and walked out the door.

If you didn’t guess it by now, YES,I ended up at the liquor store. As soon as I walked into the liquor store all my anxiety went away. At that very moment I realized that I really have a problem. I kind of always knew but I was able to brush it off because my problem wasn’t “that bad”. I never  thought it was that bad, especially, when other people tell you it’s not that bad, well if no one thinks it’s that bad then it’s not bad. That’s just how my mind works. Of course, you don’t feel as guilty indulging in something that’s messing up your life when people tell you it’s not that bad. My life looks well put together to everyone else, so, I can’t be that bad. WRONG.

I knew this was the last time when my anxiety turned into happiness as soon as I got my bottle. I knew it was time for change, immediately.

That night I got so drunk. I drank at home for a bit and then went out for some drinks. Before I left the house I was sure to fill up a water bottle with bacardi and coke. I looked at the bottle and realized that only 1/4 of the alcohol was left. I just told myself that this was my last night and I was going out with a bang. I definitely went out with a bang. I finished my “water bottle”, ordered more drinks when I got to the club, and by the time I got home I was wasted.

I woke up on Saturday morning feeling like shit. I was drinking gatorade, trying so hard to bring myself back to life so I can enjoy my Saturday. Definitely not.

I made a promise to myself that day, that I was done with alcohol, for good.

I’m on day 4.

 

 

 

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32 thoughts on “The last drinks.

    1. Thank you for reaching out! People that I called my “friends” don’t even check on me lol so I really do appreciate it . But I’m okay I’m on My 8th day right now. Taking things a day at a time and trusting God with this one . Hope all is well with u 😊 I wish there was a messenger app on this lol

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You don’t have to thank me… I care as a friend because I’ve been in your shoes. If they don’t check up on you then there probably not your friends… I’m just saying… I’m happy to here your ok… Great! Ya it is what it is with me. I’m just in the house cooking dinner and chillin. What’s a message app? Anyway I no I’m a stranger to you but if you ever want to talk bout anything its Kool. I hope you have a great day.

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      2. Well you know how that go Cristal you got to just want it. And I know you get so depressed some times and you feel like there’s no one there to genuinely care. And life is just a boring rerun but hey I’m hear to extend my hand And like I said you can talk to me whenever. But I won’t bother you any longer with me talking your ear off. Just stay intouch… If you want… It’s up to you Yooo…

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Thank you ! And word , I’m just tired of the same old ish. Just ready for a different life at this point. I appreciate it though. And I don’t really know how to stay in touch on here . U have email?

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I’ve known plenty of alcoholics whom were perfectly decent people. If you don’t hurt anyone, and it improves your life, I say go for it. But then, I’m a smoker of 15 years, who smokes because life has been unkind to me.

    That aside, you might want to consider your much larger problem of drinking Bacardi by choice. That, not the alcoholism, is far more disconcerning to me.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. When you get to feeling the itch, remember to play the tape all the way through to the end. Meaning, imagine drinking all the way to wasted and then how you will feel after it’s over. When I was quitting smoking, that always helped me to stick to the plan. ❤️👍

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  2. Wow, I so remember those days (and it wasn’t that long ago). Get your toolbox ready so when you get those feelings again you will know how to handle it. It’s rough, but you are doing AMAZING. So proud of you! It is worth it. {hugs} D

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  3. Best of luck to you again my love.
    I know how hard addiction is to deal with, especially like you said “When others tell you you’re not bad off .” We all know the truth within ourselves . And you have it in you to make a change, but the longer you feed into your addiction the harder it will be to stop for good . Just keep that in mind .

    Liked by 1 person

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