Wasted.

Last night I got wasted. 2 days before that I was wasted. The day before that I was wasted. LETS GET WASTED! Wasted to the point where I’m still drunk a couple hours after I wake up. I’ve been drinking a lot. I’ve also been spending a lot of money on alcohol. I’ve been eating like crap, I don’t sleep well, and I’m not being productive at all. I really never understood high functioning alcoholics, how do they do it? Even though they may have a problem, they still get shit done, that’s pretty impressive. I can’t get shit done when I drink. I just want to drink some more, eat , sleep, repeat. 

Nothing makes me feel as good as that first sip of alcohol makes me feel. That first sip reassures me that everything is going to be okay. I keep drinking until I’m not thinking of anything. I keep drinking until I start thinking about everything. See, at first alcohol is great , you feel good, you’re laughing , everything is cool.. until it’s not. 

I can’t even count how many times I’ve said that I was going to cut back and stop drinking all together. WAY TOO OFTEN. 

Alcohol is my best friend. 

I’ve depended on alcohol to get me through life. I’ve made a lot of stupid decisions under the influence, but, I didn’t care enough to let that be a reason to stop. Guys have told me that they couldn’t take me serious because I drank too much. That didn’t make me want to stop either, I just moved on to the next.  They didn’t tell me at first, they just cut me off. When I spoke to them again, months or even years later and asked them about their sudden disappearance their response usually goes like this, “you were always turned up, you were always drunk, you get drunk and don’t know how to act.”  That still didn’t make me stop drinking. 

The thing about having a drinking problem is that you never think you are the problem. Honestly, I don’t really know if I’m an alcoholic. I do know that I abuse the shit out of alcohol. I drink to get drunk, nothing else.

 My mind is always telling me that I don’t have a problem. I’m over-reacting. Just slow down. Drink in moderation. Only drink on the weekends. Drink only when you go out. Don’t drink alone. 

I’ve already tried all of this and some way some how I always end up getting plastered on the regular. ALWAYS! Drinking and driving. Sleeping with someone I shouldn’t sleep with. Dating people that I wouldn’t even date if I was sober. Not making it to work on time. Texting and saying shit that I shouldn’t be saying. I get drunk and I just don’t give a F*ck, whoever doesn’t like it can keep it moving. 

Definitely not a good attitude to have, but that’s me. I have a chemical imbalance , I’m fxcked up! I know alcohol makes shit worse but I STILL drink. I keep trying to convince myself that I don’t have a problem. 

I HAVE A PROBLEM! 

I LOVE TO GET FUCKED UP! 

I NEED TO STOP. 

I’m nowhere near as depressed as I was last year, but I’m drinking to hide from reality. I have good days and bad days, no suicide thoughts, yet. How can my life get better if I keep indulging in unhealthy habits? It won’t. I have to save myself. I have to stop feeling bad for myself. I have to believe in myself. 

The only person that can save me is ME! 

I’m ready to give it up. I know it’s going to be hard. I know I will have cravings. I know I’m going to think that I can handle just a couple drinks. I know I will get tested. I know it’s about to get REAL.. 

I have to do this for me, my future, my life, my health, my happiness. It’s time to get sober. 

DAY 1.💗