My “turnt up” lifestyle almost made me take my own life.

Are you stuck? Most of us hate to admit it, but your life is a reflection of your choices. This is my story.

My 20’s consisted of heavy drinking, partying, and men. Even though I was having a blast at the time I always felt like something was missing. I started drinking at the age of 17 and I loved, absolutely loved the way it made me feel. I had no care in the world about anything. I was on cloud 9 when I was under the influence. At first, I thought I was just young and enjoying life because this is what we do when we are young, drink and party, right? See, the thing about drinking is that you don’t become dependent on it right away, it takes time and most of the time you don’t think you have a drinking problem because everyone is doing it. I didn’t wake up in the morning and start drinking so I thought to myself, “im good, I don’t have a problem I’m just having fun.”

 I got my first DWI when I was 19. Thank God for my boyfriend at the time, because if it wasn’t for him saving me half the time I don’t know where I would be. Even though he hated how much I was drinking he always took care of me when I passed out, threw up and all the bad that came with binge drinking. He always told me to slow down but I was unstoppable. I was young, fly and had so much confidence. No one could tell me a thing.  He was the greatest boyfriend I ever had but my lifestyle didn’t let me see it. I was too busy getting drunk, club hopping and doing me to be worried about a man at home. He kept trying to get me to see the bigger picture, that there’s more to life than drinking and partying. He tried to save me, when I spent all my money on alcohol he held me down. I had to walk away, my conscience wouldn’t let me stay. He was way too good for me, he deserved someone way better than me, I wasn’t good enough for him.

The relationship ended.

I kept drinking, I kept partying, I kept jumping from relationship to relationship. These relationships wouldn’t last no more than 6 months to a year, some didn’t even get that far. I was dating drug dealers, alcoholics, and addicts. Nothing but dysfunctional individuals. I met a couple good men here and there but I didn’t want to destroy them, I knew they would fall for me and I would leave. It happened once or twice, I felt bad but I didn’t look back I just kept living my dysfunctional life. Good men didn’t satisfy my needs, they were too good and boring for me. I needed bad, dysfunction, someone I can fix, someone I can save, someone who can make me happy. I never accomplished it.

How did I get here? I need alcohol to do everything. I hate being sober, how can people live sober, this is torture! So from going to the beach to just hanging out on my porch I always needed my drink. What I didn’t realize was that without alcohol I was so miserable and angry. With alcohol, I was the happiest girl in the world. I was jumping from job to job with no care what so ever. I lost the best job I’ve ever had at the age of 23 because of my drinking, I was too hung over to make it to work. That still didn’t stop me from drinking, I had no income, I still found a way to drink. Drinking was the only thing that kept me sane, so I kept drinking. Crazy part about it is that I still didn’t think I had a problem. My mindset was, “I’m young, Im just having fun.”

I started to think I might have a problem when people started commenting on my drinking. The main eye opener was when people started hiding bottles from me. I got so mad, I used to yell and tear the whole place up just to find my bottle. I still didn’t stop drinking. I kept drinking for some time. In 2014, I moved out with some roommates. I was excited, I just knew it was going to be fun. For some reason, it wasn’t. I felt so alone. I started getting more and more depressed. Drinking wasn’t fun for me anymore. I hated the person I was when I was drinking, I hated my life, this is not what God put me here for, I have a purpose. Feb 22,2014 was when I decided to put the bottle down and get sober. The first 4 months of sobriety I felt more alone than ever, I had to face everything with no alcohol, feelings that I didn’t even know existed, I had to dig deep, I had to figure out why I was drinking. I didn’t want to face reality, it was scary! It was tough, but after 4 months I started finding myself, it felt good, my life was getting better day by day. I reached 10 months of sobriety, then it slipped away, December of 2014.

I thought I had it under control until, I didn’t have it under control. A downward spiral began right before my eyes. All I wanted to do was drink again. I had so much shame and guilt that I let so many people down, especially my sober buddies. I was so disappointed in myself, I drank some more anyway. Life started getting unmanageable, between a bad relationship and some other things going on I just let myself go completely. Depression came back and it came back stronger than ever. Drinking made it worse. I was hospitalized, put on meds, went to go see doctors, was diagnosed with being bipolar in 2015. I stopped taking the meds.

The thing about me, alcohol, and my mental disorders is that I know what triggers everything. I keep expecting people and bad habits to fill this void in my heart that only God can. My peace and happiness comes from God alone. The strength he gives me on the daily to stay away from the people and things that bring me down is the only reason why I am still alive. I’m not perfect and I will continue to make mistakes. I just want to be better than the person I was yesterday.

My 20’s consisted of unhealthy habits,relationships and a whole lot of dysfunction. I dedicate my last year in my 20’s to my growth.To making better choices. Life is all about the choices WE make. Take accountability and change what you don’t like. My goal is to bring in my 30’s being a completely different person than I was in my 20s. With God by my side I know anything is possible. Reach for the stars KING AND QUEENS.

SKY IS THE LIMIT.

 

 

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