I just don’t give a fxck! 

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be f*cking happy as much as I want to be. As I sit here drinking my rum and coke I know I have to do better, I know I have to change, I know I could be great. My potential to be great is insane. 

Ya’ll know I believe in God. He’s got me through some of the worst days ever. I’ve had a few encounters with God and I know for a fact he has a greater plan for me, but, I just can’t get past all this worldly shit that brings me temporary satisfaction because it actually leaves me feeling more empty than ever. I keep blocking my own blessings. I keep chasing everything that brings me down! I want to stop but I can’t. Do you know what it’s like for you to try and give something up and that exact thing is the only thing running through your mind? Sometimes I wish I can turn off my mind. Why tf do I have to think so much? Why tf do I have to make everything so complicated? Is it really complicated or am I just being overly dramatic? 

Every time someone asks me if I’m okay I just want to cry and pour my heart out but I can’t. People don’t really care, I really want to believe someone cares but who really cares? I talk to God and literally break down. He’s not physically here and wrapping his arms around me so at times my faith isn’t as strong as it should be. I doubt him . I don’t believe 100% at times. I know he exist though because I’ve had encounters with him. 

I really hate when people tell me to just get it together, stop drinking, and lose the weight . Blah blah blah. That’s all I hear . You don’t know my struggles , don’t tell me what to do, help me ! I need your help. I need your compassion, love, and support. It’s like I’m waiting for someone to save me but no one is going to. I have to save myself and that’s the hardest shit to do. I saved myself once, and the fear of doing it again is just VERY OVERWHELMING. Do you really think I want to be obese? No, but I really never had a healthy relationship with food. Sad? Eat. Happy? Eat. Angry? Eat. Anxious? Eat. Bored? Eat. Same thing with alcohol. Started drinking at 17 and I loved how it made me feel, the rest was history. It’s almost like I’m addicted to everything that destroys me from the inside out. How can I possibly have a healthy relationship with a man if I don’t even have a healthy relationship with myself? Dysfunction knows dysfunction. Dysfunction is attracted to dysfunction. Is this life? Why tf did I want to grow up so bad? Everything is fxcked up! 

It’s like I’m addicted to everything that’s not good for me , I have to break this cycle. I have no choice. This is my life. 

If you break your arm everyone can understand your pain, but when your brain malfunctions no one gets it and your just told to get your shit together.  

I’m human. I’m not perfect. We all struggle in one way or another. I just want to win, but it’s so much easier to lose.

The struggle is real. Mental health is real. I never thought I would be battling depression, AGAIN.  It feels like I’m trapped. I don’t even have the energy to get out, but I have to find it. 

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