The truth behind my semicolon tattoo.

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The meaning behind the semicolon tattoo is much deeper than you think. It represents everything that I have been through. No matter what happens, I have to keep this story going. I’m a fighter.

Giving up is not an option.

Every day this tattoo reminds me to keep going even on the days when I feel like giving up. There’s so much more to be written, including the good and the bad that is to come. Any time I’m having a bad day I look at my wrist and I accept that I’m just having a bad moment and this too shall pass.

When I got this tattoo I was thinking about suicide every single day. I was already planning my death, trying to figure out what day I would end my life. My mind was constantly racing with thoughts of how I was tired of living, tired of EVERYTHING. This isn’t what life is supposed to feel like. I can’t deal, I have to get out . The only way out is death. I cried so hard, I prayed a couple times a day hoping God gave me the strength to get through another day.

My mother already knew I was hurting, I knew she feared me taking my own life. To be honest, seeing my mother every day probably kept me alive. Even though I was already planning to take my life seeing my mother reminded me of why I shouldn’t do it. My mom was already hurting because I was hurting. She was hurting because she couldn’t do anything about it. She tried talking to me so I can snap out of it but it didn’t work. She felt bad. It wasn’t her fault. She couldn’t “heal” me. When you’re as depressed and out of your mind like I was, there’s really nothing anyone can say to bring you back to being “normal”.

I was too far gone.  

This was the 2nd time in my life where suicide thoughts were taking over my mind at an immense rate. No matter what I did those thoughts were always on my mind. They kept getting worse and worse as the days passed. I would go to sleep at night wishing for death. I was trapped. I couldn’t get out. I didn’t want to think these thoughts but, that’s all that took over my mind. I cried , I yelled , “why God I just want to be happy. I want to live ! ” This isn’t living , this is torture , this is not how I’m meant to live , this can’t be life. I prayed every single day for strength. I also cried every single day, multiple times.

I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning.

I didn’t want to speak to anyone.

I didn’t want to go outside.

I just wanted to sleep. I woke up, cried some more ,ate, went back to sleep. Every day it was the same thing. I went to work one day and got called into the office. I almost lost my job for always calling out. I broke down, this wasn’t me. I couldn’t even get out of bed in the morning. I had no strength. I was sent home that day, still employed. I went home, I cried, and I just prayed and prayed and prayed some more . I couldn’t lose my job. I just kept thinking about how this happened to me, why was I so weak? Why couldn’t I snap out of this? Why was the devil trying me !?

” He keeps trying me and he’s about to win. God I know you hear me.  I don’t want to live like this,I can’t take it, I need to get my life back, HELP!”

I started getting up in the mornings and going to work every day. I couldn’t lose my job, that’s all I had. I would go to work but I had just enough energy to get up, get dressed, brush my teeth , get in my car, go to work. I wasn’t showering every day, maybe once or twice a week. I didn’t wash my hair. I didn’t shave my legs. I just didn’t care about anything.I had no energy, no strength, nothing. I was alive but barely. I would come home from work , take off my clothes, eat and go to bed. I was sleeping 14-15 hours a day.

All I wanted was sleep.

I never stopped praying. I knew God was going to give me the strength sooner or later. I know God has a plan for me , those dark moments made me who I am today. I had to force myself to do things, I had to accept things for what they were. I had to work hard to get better and I still work on it daily. I can’t just be, I can’t get comfortable with this “happy” time. Depression can destroy you. Every 40 seconds someone commits suicide, that alone should tell you that depression is no joke.

I wouldn’t wish depression on my worst enemy.

As the months went by I started getting better. Suicide thoughts were slowly getting out of my head until one day they weren’t there anymore.

I’m still alive. I have a purpose.

When I think about the past it shows me just how far I’ve come. I laugh more, I go out more , I’m around my family more , I’m almost back to my old self. Every day I have to work towards being better. I don’t know what else life is going to throw at me but I do know I’ve learned a lot through this experience and I pray to God that he continues to give me the strength to deal with anything else life throws at me without losing my mind.

The thing about depression is that any thing can trigger it. I have to be very careful of who and what I allow into my personal space. Every day is different. Things are always changing. I had to leave certain friendships and relationships behind, it wasn’t easy. I still miss those relationships at times but they were so toxic that I cannot look back, no matter how hard it gets.

I also have to pay close attention to my relationship with alcohol. I love alcohol, it gets me away from reality. I always tell myself I have to give it up completely, I know my life will change drastically. One day I will, I just don’t know when exactly. I am doing one thing at a time and taking everything as it comes my way. I know I have a purpose here, my life isn’t meaningless, I am special and God has major plans for me. I’m glad I didn’t give up.

I’m in a good place right now.

Without struggles there is no progress.

Small progress is still progress, fall in love with progression.

image1National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Provides help to those in suicidal crisis or emotional distress.

Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday
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