Change.

Sometimes I sit and wonder if it’s really worth changing. Do you know how hard it is to commit to a change? People often say things to me like..

“Well if you don’t like the way you look, work out.”

“If you know drinking gets in the way of your progress, stop.”

“You don’t have to quit drinking, just cut back.”

“Only drink when you go out.”

I can go on and on about all the advice people have tried to give me in the past. See, the thing about people giving advice is that most of the time they haven’t experienced what you are going through or have been through. When we want advice we always turn to our family and friends and expect them to have the answers. You cannot give me answers to something you know nothing about, but I’m going to vent to you anyway because I need someone to talk to. Sometimes I stay quiet to prevent becoming a burden to anyone. I don’t want anyone to worry about me, even though I can use all the help I can get. I don’t want you to judge me and look down on me when I fail, I need you to hug me and tell me it’s okay because I can always get back up. At times, all I really need is a hug. THAT’S IT!  See, the problem is that a lot of us are too busy judging others or too busy with our own lives to even put energy into caring about the ones we say we care about. Do you know how many times I have reached out to people that mean A LOT to me and asked to just simply hang out? I don’t even think I can count how many times I have been turned down because people are too “busy”. I totally understand we are all adults and are busy with our own schedules but seriously, do I matter? do you really care about me? or do you just tell me you love me because you have known me for a long time. I never once doubted that people enjoy being around me, I have this special type of personality where you can always catch me smiling, laughing and having a blast but you have no idea I’m falling apart inside.  When it’s time to get drunk or high I never once had a problem finding someone to get faded with, but lets switch it up and hit up the city on a random Saturday or even go visit an aquarium, now everyone is busy. Do you see how that works? How can I stay sober when it’s so much easier to find someone to get drunk with? Everyone always tells you that change is good and that you should change, but no one ever tells you how hard it is to change. The many challenges you face when you do change can be enough for you to go back to your old ways without any hesitation. Don’t tell me it’s easy when you never had a drinking problem. Don’t tell me to just do it when you never had to lose 80 lbs. Don’t tell me everything is going to be okay when you never experienced severe depression. Don’t tell me I am over reacting, because if I did go through with killing myself you would of cried your eyes out and wished you could of helped.

I am still alive, help.

 

 

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”

 

 

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